Counseling/How can I help my fiance?
Alright, well, my name is Alison, and I am 24. I just recently got engaged to my fiancť, Christoph, who is 33. He is the sweetest man I have ever met, and he treats me so well. He is so charming, and he is such a gentleman. Well, he was very close to his father when he was younger, but he passed away when Christoph was only 15 years old. His father was a policeman, and I think that influenced Christoph a lot, because he is a bail enforcement agent now (basically a bounty hunter) and he takes great pride in what he does. Anyways, after his father passed, he became very close to his mother. He is an only child, so it was just him and his mom for a long time. Well, Sunday night, we went over her place to visit her, and found that she had killed herself. Christoph was completely distraught (understandably) and inconsolable. She never showed any sign of depression, and now Christoph says he feels like heís responsible for her death because he never did anything to help her. He insists that this is his fault and that he was a bad son. Every Sunday morning, he would buy both his mother and I flowers and we would bring them over to her when she came back from church, and he spent loads of time with her so she wouldnít get lonely. I have never seen such a good son.
Anyway, he was given some time off of work, since performing a job like his in such a state could be dangerous for him. He has spent a lot of time just laying on the couch staring off into space. I donít know what to do for him. I suggested to him that we go for a walk or do something and he just told me he didnít feel up to it. Again, understandable. I made him his favorite foods and spent a lot of time just sitting with him. Last night he refused to come to bed, and he fell asleep on the couch at around 3 am and he was up by 6 am. Iím just worried about him, and I want to help, but I donít want to pester him. What can I do? Itís killing me seeing him like thisÖ How can I help him through this?
How are you? Reading your letter seem to me that you have a great deal of encouragement working on helping your fiance to cope on what he is feeling. Your intention is right but at the most what you can do at the moment is just really be on his side to make sure you are there for him.
I know that it is hard for you and it has been or had been hard for you. It may take longer yet if you feel that he is that important to you then only you can tell that you will be there for him.
Most cases, the person who is in grief need professional counseling yet if he is not ready the most help you could give is to allow him express his emotions. Be there, by showing affection, just by holding hand will help him understand that you are with him. If he wants to talk about how he feels let him express himself in anyway. In any under circumstances, DO NOT tell him what to do. Find ways that will make him happy that is give him as many special ways of love like a simple song, a simple poetry or maybe a handcrafted gift. If that doesn't work, share a journal with him, a scrap book or anything that can help him release emotion.
Most grievers feel that no one understand them so they have reason to grieve which I don't think you don't understand him but you've tried so hard already and yet he is still not ready to share his emotions. That's not bad at all Alison but there is called HEALING TIME. And it is the time that prohibits them, grievers, to go out of their shelves.
Ask your community centers where you can find a way to help your fiance, or even find a book related to grieving. I am sure there are a lot of help you can get from. Don't lose hope and all the best.