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Counseling/Wife Midlife Crisis and I screwed up


Married for 24 years.  I had an affair at the beginning of marriage about 20 years ago. For 18 years I had been faithful. 3 years ago she got according to a therapist into MidLife Crisis and got into an emotional affair (she insist had not committed adultery).   I looked for help, I had been working with therapy for those 3 years, I had improved many areas of my life.  We live separate by thousand miles.  I am responsible financially 100 percent and I had become very friendly to her but for the last year I sustained an affair (For the last 3 years wife had been rejecting me, asking me to divorce every time I see her and not wanting to see me frequently, she prefer to see me every 4 or 5 months (0 sex or even affection displaying))  She say I am a man with a wonderful heart but she is still very confused.  After being caught by her I just broke the affair (I was not even looking for sex but for affection, company, distraction from the marital problems).   Is my marriage doom?  Do MLC really exist?   My Therapist suggest I should divorce at some point and then start a new just that I love my wife a lot and I have hope one day we will create something good together.  And I know I can be faithful.    Any advice?

Thank you

Hector,  I guess my first question is, "what kind of marriage is it?"  Here are the given facts as I understand them:  1) You and your wife are separated by "thousand miles"; 2) Your wife "rejects" you; 3) You and she are not involved intimately; 4) She requests a divorce.  You state that you have hope that you and your wife "can create something good together."  Other than hope, are there any rational reasons that support that hope?  As Sherlock Holmes says, when the impossible has been eliminated, what ever remains, no matter how improbable, must be true.  It would be presumptuous of me to tell you what to do since I don't walk in your shoes.  The therapist's role should be to help you look at the facts and make a decision about what course to take and that decision needs to be made not only with your heart, but with your head as well.  I suggest that you sit down with your therapist, begin to take a hard look at your situation, move beyond hope to what really is possible and decide on a course of action.  Joel  


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Joel Simon


General questions about counseling, psychotherapy and mental health.


Over 30 years as a therapist, clinical supervisor and solution-focused trainer. I've worked in a variety of settings including adolescent day treatment, inpatient psychiatric hospitals, community mental health clinics, and hospice. Further information is available on my website:

A founding member of the Solution Focused Brief Therapy Association, Academy of Certified Social Workers, Board Certified Diplomate in Clinical Social Work, Licensed Clinical Social Worker (LCSW) in New York State.

Co-authored "Solution-Focused Brief Practice With Long-Term Clients in Mental Health Services: I'm More Than My Label." Authored: "Solution-Focused Practice in End-of-Life and Grief Counseling" Several articles published in professional journals including 2 with Insoo Kim Berg. Further details are available at

Masters of Social Work (Yeshiva University 1978). 5 years training in Transactional Analysis, certified in Advanced Ericksonian Psychotherapy and Hypnosis with the New York Society (NYSEPH), Advanced training and advanced supervision seminar in solution-focused brief therapy with the co-developers of the approach, Insoo Kim Berg and Steve de Shazer

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