Counseling/REJECTION OF BLACK SHEEP
QUESTION: Hello, my family is one of sick dysfunction to begin with. My mother had my sister by the man she lived with but 13 years later was raped by a brother or brother in law and had me. She kept me because she worried about what it would look like if people knew she gave away her kid she was pregnant with but she always favored the sibling and they got the silver spoon, I am the working poor.I will never know who my father is, she has said she'll take it to her grave with her. The sibling's husband sexually abused me and I was blamed. Long and short of history. My mother is now 88 and of strong mind living in her own home. For the past 5 years I have provided her with excellent care and been on call 24/7 giving up a day job to be there any time of the day or night for her. I did garbage, groceries, laundry, house repairs, anything she wanted. The tv we bought her as a gift she returned under warranty and exchanged it so we couldnt say we bought it for her because sibling got really upset and went into a rage. When she mentioned about the house being sold after she's gone I asked if there was a way I could buy it, since I grew up there and live in a run down town home and the sibling already has a 4 storey exec and does not need it. I was told no I 'm not the right grade of person to live in a house. Sibling has made no attempt to provide care or help but did try to care facility shop to get our mother shoved out of her own home against her will and have all control of money and assets signed over to them with me excluded from everything. The sibling and her daughter engaged me in what seemed like civil conversation, took bits and pieces of my response and twisted them, came back into our mother's life got 16000.00 from her within the first month and presented her the notes making it look like I was doing something deceitful behind our mother's back and now our mother has pushed my kids and I out of her life. Relatives are telling me to get lost and let the sibling take control of everything. My mother also fired the cleaning lady after accusing her of stealing. She accused my mentally retarded daughter of stealing from her. Like me, the cleaning lady is working poor with a disabled son. She accused her of stealing from her and is now accusing me of not being nice to her and not doing enough for her. What my mother did was remove anyone who is working poor or with a disability but accepted into her life sibling, relatives and others who are well off financially, drinks, and lives in big beautiful homes. Oh she told me I could stick around to do the garbage however. I am hurt and at a loss right now. Every time the sibling appears she shoves me out or the sibling takes an abusive rant and threatens her. Anyhow how do I move on from here. I gave her a party and stood up letting her know how much she means to us and how much we value her as a person and how much we appreciated having her in our lives. The sibling is self entitled and has said her mother is her territory and she has automatic right to everything including our mother demanding I be excluded from her life so our mother does it, blaming me because if it weren't for me sibling would never get upset. How do I move forward after the way I've been used and dumped. Thank you.
ANSWER: Hello Sharon,
Read your story carefully, and i must admit i was touched by the ordeal you have gone through. It is painful to realize that all the good you have done have been misinterpreted and in this case, there seems to be a conspiracy against you. Talking about how to move forward, its very simple. All you got to do is learn how to handle rejection my friend. You have tried all you can to please your mum who is aged and other family members and they have rejected all your efforts.
Sharon its time to please yourself and avoid pleasing others who don't appreciate you one bit.Its not a case of been used and dumped. Its something you did out of a good heart and God knows you never did it to get any reward or even acceptance. So don't ever get that feeling of been used and dumped and start feeling sorry for yourself.
You have a whole lot of opportunities ahead of you. Clean yourself up and draw up a program for yourself and kids and start implementing ways to stay happy and healthy instead of leaving under the leech of someone who cant even say thank you.
You can still find time to visit her and share with her, but please live your own life and just be good to yourself and your kids.
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QUESTION: thanks Clement "sharing" with my mother would mean sitting there and taking abuse so I've decided just to walk away and let them deal with their issues on their own...when the sibling pulled the low stunt she did and set me up by having her grown daughter stage a conversation to embellish it for the purpose of destroying what little relationship I had with her, and to destroy my positive rapport with the doctor, and the fact our mother is watching my sibling do this and upholds it and holds her son in law in the highest esteem knowing what he did to me, I've come to the realization that both of them have serious issues and it's not up to me to play the role of scapegoat or act like the family psychologist, they can rant like idiots and abuse each other, I have no plan on letting their toxicity infiltrate my life...they've done enough damage...instead of taking my mother to the doctor this week, I'm hand delivering a letter to the doctor and let the sibling walk in with my mother to face the music, I can guarantee both will be livid, however I've only spoken the truth and if they cannot handle that that is their issue...as for the extended family members who are choosing to judge me because I'm not living up to the high financial standard they have been able to achieve and that is the main reason they uphold the sibling, well I have no use for them...ever since I let everyone know I know the truth about my father and their family member that raped my mother and then they know about what siblings husband did to me, well they don't see a problem with any of it, they seem to think it's normal part of family living...the one came in for a visit took one look at me, went home and made a quick phone call to another relative placing judgments on me and decided at that point she was going to push her way in and take over pushing me out of the way...the other relative came to my home judged it as being substandard to his executive home and high financial status and informed me to step aside and let my financially well off sibling take control of everything, and then they went to my mother who now looks at me like I'm dirt on the bottom of everyone's shoes...but I'm expected to stick around to do the garbage and other chores while nothing is expected of the sibling, so to sum it up, to hell with all of them, they can kiss my ass and the day they reach perfection they can judge me, until then they can keep their mouth shut
I feel so bad getting to read all the wrongs that have been inflicted on you. The deceit,shame, abuse and favoritism put on display can weigh any average individual down. I just feel the pain and deep inside me i wish you can find a place in your heart to forgive them all. Its horrible knowing how the truth is been suppressed and lies are been promoted about you.
I just want to encourage you to think less about the hurt and see how you can build up your life and that of your kids from the scratch.
Mind you, nobody can push or relegate you the the background. You are nobody slave and you have a precious life that you got to live to the fullest. Talking about finance, its a temporary thing and as long as you do your beat, you shall be financially strong.
I was once mocked and pushed aside when i had nothing, but today nobody can ignore me anymore. Just be focus on what you want to achieve my dear and you will get there soonest.
You will definitely face more criticism and negative comments from them, but just be consistent and do what you got to do to be independent. Everyone has the freedom in life to become what they desire and yours cannot be an exception.
Wishing you all the sunshine Sharon