I'll start out by telling you that i'm 32 years old, and that I've been seeking help for a long time (years) I'm starting to think that I can not be helped nor can I help myself. But for the sake of surviving and being strong for my husband(the only person in my life who actually loves me) I have got to keep trying. What I was actually looking for on here was someone to help me with my job problem but I couldn't really find someone that fit exactly what I needed. Honestly my job problem fits into my main problem.
I am an introverted person, I'm not what you would consider a social butterfly. I was severely ridiculed as a child, I never seemed to fit in anywhere no matter how I tried. I always felt like I was different, like there was something off about me. I still feel that way to this day. The problem is whenever I try to feel confident in myself or believe that I have the power to change my life a little voice in my head tells me..."that kind of thinking is make believe,it isn't real, you're fooling yourself." It's like I was ridiculed for so long that I don't believe that positive thinking actually works. I have come to believe that some people were born losers and others winners.
Anyway, I have been working at the same company my whole life. I'm not happy there at all, but I have no skills in anything else. I don't drive because of fear of driving. I haven't gone back to school because I had such a horrible time in school as a child. I'm basically stuck in this prison of fear and anxiety. It also seems that no matter how nice I try to be to people they always seem to find fault in me. I have to walk around with this fake smile and fake personality just to try to remotely function with other people. It is the most draining and exhausting thing to try to do everyday. To try to pretend like you're ok when you're really a wreck inside. So I hate it when people tell me "be positive, be confident in yourself." These words hold no weight with me at all because like I said...it's make believe stuff. I know this might seem difficult to answer or offer any advice on. and i'm sorry if I rambled and made no sense. But...what do you think I should do? How do I unravel this mess going on inside of me when I can't even force myself to believe in myself or stop being afraid to move forward in my life?
How are you? I am sorry to hear about your condition regarding how you feel trapped in your situation.
I guess, you haven't had a time yet to stretch a little bit of your faith. And that is what is calling you to do. You have had one though, if I understand it right... your husband whom you said, actually love you.
What a wonderful feeling to have someone really love you, isn't it? Can you imagine yourself always with him, all day and every day. Just relaxing and having fun. So what would you do if you take time off your work and spend the day with your husband? I wonder if you guys will go for vacation, maybe a week or two, or even a month. Is it going to be away from the city or just stay at home, doing regular chores together, or cooking together, watching a movie and/or just enjoying jogging. How would you feel doing all of these things with your husband? If you are going away the city, would you guys go out of the country or maybe just chill out in the sand or beach?
The reason, why I have suggested these things, is because I hear from your e-mail that you need to have a break from your work and you haven't really done it yet. I guess yourself, your hunch, your intuition is telling you to do that to help you rejuvenate. Do you think, it would be a good idea for you and your husband to take a break? Maybe, he can help you decide whether you guys will be happy one working and the other is not. Or maybe as you are away from work during your vacation you can discover yourself what you can do to help you find your passion. Sometimes, we just need to stop, when we hear "STOP!" sign in our lives. This just mean that there is disharmony in our motion and that we have to wait until that motion can come to us.
I hope you can discover it too. I would be happy for you by then.
Take care and have a great evening.