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Counseling/question on the mating game


Good day
My question is on the human mating game.
Interested in finding out how much of the mating game is based on genuine love vs deception / manipulation. A significant amount of marriages end in divorce in the last few decades. Throughout history women have adapted ways to hide their true intent and appearances (for example makeup, pretending, changing their voices etc..)
Have the following questions:
1. what is it in a man's nature that causes him to be blinded and not see through a manipulative, deceptive female intention? Why are men programmed this way so as to not see reality from appearance and to be easily seduced through women charms. In other words what causes most men to place the fake appearance of a woman as love and fail to not see the intent when this game in nature has been played over and over with each generation.
2. women are famous for labeling men as abusive; isn't it just as abusive as well when a female has false or fake intention for a man but uses manipulative techniques and guises such as makeup, pretending, altering their body, seductive dress and behavior which they label as love but their true intent is more selfish.
3. are there any studies that examine the psychological effect on men in situations when they discover that they were lied to by an appearance designed to entrap them

Sam,  The trouble I have with your questions is that it paints a whole gender with the same paintbrush.  While there may be women who lie and manipulate, there are many others who are caring, honest, open, and loving.  There are men who are in fact physically and mentally abusive and I don't see how you can compare that with women who may be seductive, etc.  Having worked with women who have been survivors of domestic violence, I can attest to the damage that male abusers do to the women whom they supposedly love.  There are biological imperatives that drive our species toward survival.  Many of those are directed at propagation of our species.  Women (as well as men) dress and act in order to attract mates.  This is not an issue of entrapment but a biological drive toward eventually producing offspring and finding someone with whom one might develop a satisfying and monogamous relationship. Yes, the divorce rate has been just over 50%.  There are too many societal factors that account for that change.  It would be oversimplifying to suggest that the reason rests solely on one gender.  It sounds from your question that you've been hurt and that you probably have every reason to be angry.  However, the answer is not in blaming all women for your negative experiences.  It may be time to examine yourself rather than finding reasons for your experiences outside of you.  There are too many men and women who have found satisfying, long-term relationships with each other to give credence to your assumptions.  Sorry, but I can't support what I think is your primary hypothesis.  Joel


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Joel Simon


General questions about counseling, psychotherapy and mental health.


Over 30 years as a therapist, clinical supervisor and solution-focused trainer. I've worked in a variety of settings including adolescent day treatment, inpatient psychiatric hospitals, community mental health clinics, and hospice. Further information is available on my website:

A founding member of the Solution Focused Brief Therapy Association, Academy of Certified Social Workers, Board Certified Diplomate in Clinical Social Work, Licensed Clinical Social Worker (LCSW) in New York State.

Co-authored "Solution-Focused Brief Practice With Long-Term Clients in Mental Health Services: I'm More Than My Label." Authored: "Solution-Focused Practice in End-of-Life and Grief Counseling" Several articles published in professional journals including 2 with Insoo Kim Berg. Further details are available at

Masters of Social Work (Yeshiva University 1978). 5 years training in Transactional Analysis, certified in Advanced Ericksonian Psychotherapy and Hypnosis with the New York Society (NYSEPH), Advanced training and advanced supervision seminar in solution-focused brief therapy with the co-developers of the approach, Insoo Kim Berg and Steve de Shazer

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