AboutPam Dyson, MA, PLPC Expertise I specialize in working with children and families. I can address issues and problematic behaviors related to anxiety, depression, grief, abandonment, divorce, blended families, abuse, ADHD, peer difficulties, bullying, aggression and low self-esteem.
Experience I am a provisional licensed professional counselor with extensive training in play therapy.
Organizations American Mental Health Counselors Association, Board Eligible National Certified Counselor, Association for Play Therapy, Chi Sigma Iota,(Counseling Academic & Professional Honor Society International).
Education/Credentials BS in Family and Child Development, MA in Professional Counseling, Provisional Licensed Professional Counselor (PLPC)
Question QUESTION: My daughter started kindergarten this year. She seems to love it and loves going. About a month ago, October, she came home and told me that another girl in her class touched her vagina over clothes during circle time everyday since school started. She was upset about it and told me she did not want to get the other girl in trouble but that she wanted it to stop. I called the school and spoke with the teacher and it has stopped. However twice now my daughter as had a strep infection that has come out on her vagina. I am very nervous that she is "touching" there and that she is still upset about this.
I am not sure what to do, we have talked about it and she says that she is fine with it all.
Also to make matters worse my annoying sister works in the doctors office that my children attend and happened to see a lab slip that had some testing on it for my daughter and over Thanksgiving dinner asked why she was having cultures done on her vagina. My daughter overheard and became upset over it, I did call the doctors office and ask that my childrens records be private. This is turn lead to my sister becoming very angry with me and since I have not told my family what happened to my daughter I am at my wits end here and not sure what to do about my daughter and my sister.
PLEASE HELP
ANSWER: Hi Lisa,
I can see how frustrated you are. I'm glad that you spoke to your daughters school and that the inappropriate touching has stopped.
It's unfortunate that your sister has not respected your daughters privacy concerning her medical chart. You did the right thing by contacting the doctors office. Do you have to tell your family what happened to your daughter? Isn't that also a private matter?
Young children are curious about their sexuality and they will experiment. That is developmentally normal. In your daughters situation at school, it made her uncomfortable and that too is normal. She did the right thing by telling you about it.
Perhaps it is coincidental that she has gotten an infection. These infections do cause irritation and she may be scratching herself to relieve the irritation. Warm baths, with no bubbles, can ease discomfort.
If she is "touching" herself at home, that is normal behavior for a young child. However, if it is causing irritation and that in turn leads to infections you do need to speak with her again.
If you feel the genital touching is excessive, I would encourage you to look for underlying reasons, rather than trying to stop the behavior. Is she tense and in extra need of self-comforting? Are people overreacting and in turn reinforcing the habit? Is she over stimulated and needing to soothe herself? Is she under stimulated and bored? Dealing with the cause will bring the behavior back to a more normal level.
Trying to get a young child to stop touching themselves is a battle you cannot win. You can't just put the objects of their attention up on a high shelf out of reach. If you discourage a child from self-exploration, or if you punish them for "touching" then it becomes a forbidden fruit and they will want to do it even more.
I recommend that if you see it happening you pretend to ignore what she is doing. Try to distract her with some new, engaging activity.
I hope this is helpful,
Pam
---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------
QUESTION: Thanks so much for all that advice. I wanted to let you know that no I did not tell any of my family members about my daughters issue at school and that is why I felt so upset about the inappopriate comments that my sister made.
I appreciate all the advice for my daughter and will try all those things.
I wanted to know what you think I should do about my sister who is now very angry and will not talk at all to me and is saying she wants nothing more to do with me since she thinks I called her work to in effort get her fired, that was not my intention however she will not understand that and is making life a little hard with holidays coming. I am asking for some simple ways to handle her anger towards me when we are at family events like Christmas Eve and other family functions.
Thanks again and great advice.
Lisa
Answer Hi Lisa,
The stress that surrounds the holidays can cause tension during family gatherings. You're wise to plan ahead about how to handle the situation with your sister.
During family events, treat your sister with respect and try to focus on your sisters good qualities rather than the situation that caused her to become angry with you. If she becomes confrontational with you during an event, take a deep breath and tell her that you will discuss things with her another time, that you want the family event to stay positive and focused on the spirit of the holiday season.
