Expert: Pam Dyson, MA, PLPC - 9/26/2007

Question
This is a very complicated situation, I hope you can help. I am 28 years old and I found out my dad was not my "real" dad when I was 12. I was told in such a hurtful way and my parents made me so upset with it, I blocked it out. Whenever we would get into a fight "he" would be brought up. I was always told they would take me to him if I acted up or I would tell them to just take me to him already. It never happened. I never dared to ask about it, the impression I got was that he was a dead beat and didn't care about me at all, therefore I always said I didn't want to meet him. I would always wonder about him though, I knew if i acted like I cared my dad especially would be hurt, so I buried my feeling. 4 years ago, my dad said he ran into him and wondered if I would want to meet him. my dad sounded agitated about it and I felt like I was being guilt tripped into saying no, so I said I didn't want to meet him, but would like my medical history. So my dad got an address to my biological grandma. I wrote to her to get the history and we have been in touch ever since, she is a great lady. Then a week ago I asked for her daughters e-mail address and we started writing to each other. Then I got the guts to ask if  my biological father had an e-mail and he did. From what she told me he really wanted to hear from me. I am also going through the death of my grandma who I was extremely close to and we are buying a house. My parents only know I have been writing to his mom. They know nothing of the last week with his sister and now him. We e-mail each other for a few days and i learned that he always wanted me in his life, they were young when I was born and he had no money, my grandpa apparently told him to stay away from me and my mom always did what my grandpa said. I learned I have been loved and waited for by a whole family i never knew about and I am baffled at why my parents would make me feel like he didn't want me. i love my dad, but why couldn't i have had two dads. My husband and daughter and I met my "real" dada few days ago, we had lunch. It was so emotional, we look so much a like and are so alike on so many ways. I finally felt connected to apart of my life i always wondered about, my impression of him changed and i want him in my life. the hard part is how do I tell my parents about all of this. My dad will be hurt, he will think i want to replace him which is not true, he gets so angry all the time and we have fought about this so many times i can not count. Can you give me any advice, sorry it is so complicated.
Thank you

Answer
Hi Shannon,

I'm glad to read that finding your birth father has helped you connect to a part of your life you've always wondered about.

It will be challenging for you to tell your parents that you are establishing a relationship with your biological father. You know they will be hurt and perhaps angry so you need to be sensitive to that.

I suggest you refer to your biological father as your birth father and not your real father. Otherwise your adoptive father may feel like you are dismissing the role he has played in your life.

Your adoptive father is probably feeling that he will lose you to your birth father. You will need to reassure him that you are his daughter and will always be a part of him. It will probably take him some time to get used to you having another dad. Be accepting of how he feels and remind him often that you love him.

I hope this is helpful.

Pam