Expert: Robin Sexton - 7/18/2009

Question
My soon to be 17 year old daughter dated her exboyfriend for a little over a year.  The last 6 months of their relationship was very rocky.  He became extremely jealous, demeaning, and insulting.  She tried to break it off with him a few times and he literally broke down and said he was going to harm himself.  She went back out with him out of fear he was going to hurt himself.  I spoke with his mother.  Although she became upset with us and my daughter, she did take him to get help, but that didn't last.  My daughter finally could not take it any more because the verbal abuse escaladed and she broke up with him for good a few months ago.  He has called her and while on the phone tried to hurt himself on several occassions.  I believe with his bed post and an extension cord.  I begged her to let me call his father this time (parents are divorced and don't talk), but she begged me not to that it would make him worse then.  Over the last few months he calls her up at very random times and verbally abuses her with very foul and abusive comments-some are sexual in nature.  He continues to threaten to do something to himself and continually taunts her.  She has lost weight, developed extreme stomach problems that she now sees a gastroentologist specialist, and is extremely stressed.  She is the type of person that is never unhappy, always the life of the party, gets good grades, and attends a performing arts school.  She is not your typical teenager that usually allows teen pressure get to her until this.  What are my daughters rights as to getting this to stop, him out of her life, so she can look towards her future?

Answer
Caoline,

I am truly sorry about what your daughter and your family are going through.  The young man obviously has a serious personality disorder that his mother is not seeing or refusing to deal with. He is also making your daughter a victim.  Your emphasis is obviously appropriate, your daughters welfare.
Your daughter not only needs medical assistance but emotional assistance, a therapist or psychologist would not be a bad idea especially with my next suggestion.
You need to contact your local police and make a report.  Depending on the laws in your state this is stalking, threatening behavior.  I know you are not necessarily looking to create additional problems for this young man but it is not you or your daughter causing this. It is him and his mother.  This is serious not just for your daughter but for him also.  Before you call the police sit down and write out in chronological order everything that has happen,  phone calls, texts, threats on his own life, threats to your daughter. If you have recorded these phone calls or kept emails or text messages give these to the officers also. When you talk to your local police ask them about a protection order also.
Here is what is probably going to happen.  He will either violate the protection order or a warrant will be issued for him for the prior acts.  after he is arrested the court will step in and hopefully require counseling and other assistance
Here is the part you and your daughter must prepare for.  He could attempt to hurt himself or your daughter.  Everyone should prepare for this possibility and mentally and physically.

Good luck


robin