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Critics of Jehovah`s Witnesses/dis fellowshipping
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Question
Hey! This is not a question as such, but i was disfellowshipped when i was 16 having been a JW all my life up to then, i am now 27. I dont feel like i have anyone to talk to about this who will understand, and i always think i have dealt with it cos i push it away but the fact that i am crying as i am writing this is showing me how much this must have affected me.
I dont know what to say apart from i am only just beginning to realise that it is ok to be a bit messed up about it etc but at the same time thinking whats the point in thinking about it cos there is nothing i can do about it, none of my family speak to me etc and all the questions left unanswered from oing from thinking u have them all to just nothing...
i dont know what to say really but just it was a bit of confort to read what u had to say how do u get over it and the guilt of feeling that i have abandoned my family even tho they kind of left me they dont see it like that, i just have to push it away everytime i think about it but its getting harder
Dear Emily,
Thanks so much for writing me. I understand what you've been through and what you're going through. Because I've been there, and I am there. You so much deserve a better life. You really do. You are a beautiful creature deserving every good thing life has to offer.
Most former Witnesses are like you, they push it away and try to ignore it, but that just doesn't work. You've been away for 11 years now, and it hasn't just gone away, has it?
This experience of having been raised a Witness will stick with you for the rest of your life until you actually do something about it. Time does NOT heal all wounds. Time doesn't heal this one. You have to actively work at it in order to heal this wound.
Yes, it's OK to be messed up. We all are in our own way. And yet we're also perfect in our own way. Our condition only seems strange to those who haven't been down the road we have. Considering the road we've travelled, we're exactly where we should be expected to be.
But you don't have to put up with the pain forever. Work at your recovery from this experience, and you will heal, and it won't hurt anymore. You deserve that.
> whats the point in thinking about it cos there is nothing i can do
> about it, none of my family speak to me etc
It's true that you can't change other people. But the wound is in you, and you can heal yourself. It's true you only get one family, but once you've begun your healing process, you will surround yourself with loving, accepting, understanding friends who will be like family to you.
> and all the questions left unanswered from oing from thinking u have
> them all to just nothing...
I had the same feeling. It was as if I understood everything that mattered with a certain comforting certainty. Now I realize that was smug of me. I miss the comfort sometimes; yet I realize I'm OK without knowing everything I thought I knew, and I'm better off now because I'm not deluding myself anymore, or letting others delude me.
> i dont know what to say really but just it was a bit of confort to
> read what u had to say
I'm glad it felt that way to you. That was the intention. And there's so much more where that came from. You deserve to be understood. Not just from me, but from yourself! With working on recovery and healing this tremendous wound, you will be able to accept and love yourself.
> how do u get over it and the guilt of feeling that i have abandoned
> my family even tho they kind of left me they dont see it like that
They didn't just "kind of" leave you if you were disfellowshipped and they turned their backs on you like most Witnesses do. They most definitely left you, and they are accountable to God for their own decisions. You're not responsible for their awful unloving ungodly behavior.
One of the things recovery involves is addressing that feeling of guilt you're describing--figuring out where it comes from, what it means, is it legitimate, and eventually cleaning it out of your system. Guilt is like a poison that's preventing you from healing, so you MUST clean it out, and you CAN if you work at it. But it will never go away if you just ignore it!
> i just have to push it away everytime i think about it but its
> getting harder
When the pain of going forward becomes less then the pain of holding back, you will move forward. It's inevitable. That's how it works. There are lots of resources on the Internet to support former Witnesses who choose to begin their recovery. I'm one of those many resources, and I will help you as much as I can. I hope you're making that choice, because you deserve it! It will make a drastic improvement in all your relationships.
The things they taught you about yourself are just plain wrong. You are not an enemy of God because they kicked you out. You are not a bad person because you didn't conform to their incredibly extensive rules. You are a good person and God loves you and you CAN begin to love yourself again.
Love & blessings,
AndrewXJW
PS: Thanks for not making your question/answer private. Being able to read about your experience will help other people in your situation.
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Andrew
Expertise
I don't object to Witness theology, but rather their use of social pressure & deceptive manipulations to undermine family ties and control minds. (This may seem contradictory to Witnesses, who draw no distinction between spiritual belief and organizational policy.) I do not engage in theological debate. I support persons impacted by an experience with the Witnesses and advocate early education for everyone so that they can protect themselves from cults by understanding what to watch out for. (It's not what most people think.)
(Ex-)Witnesses: I know how upsetting it is to experience doubts (or anger) about your experience. Time does not heal this wound until you first remove the splinter, which takes more time and effort than you may realize. So, unless you have already put in that time and effort, don't be surprised if you are deeply affected long after the experience. But there is good news! You're NOT an enemy of God for doubting or for failing to meet the requirements of a human organization. An organization that lies cannot be the exclusive spokesman for the God of Truth. Tell me where you're at. I'll understand. I can show you how to begin or continue your recovery and make a life for yourself worth living.
Non-Witnesses: Describe your experience with your friend/relative who is (becoming) a Witness. I can help you understand the Witness indoctrination and social dynamics that are affecting him or her. I can help you put your options into perspective. Keep in mind that people do make their own choices (even though they may sometimes do so under outside influence) and you may not be able to affect this person's choices, even though they impact on you. After all, you do not have the arsenal of tactics that a cult does (and wouldn't want to). A few people manage to save their friend/relative, but don't count on it. What you can count on is navigating the maze more successfully by becoming more informed about your own options.
Experience
I was a Witness for 30 years, and a volunteer at their headquarters in Brooklyn, New York, for a year. I have attended meetings with many Witness congregations across the United States, a thorough cross-section, carefully observing patterns of behavior. Although being a Witness was difficult, and I gradually had more and more doubts about Witness teachings--I was a true believer, so I kept trying to make it work somehow. I stopped attending meetings in 1997 only after receiving an answer to a prayer about doing so, and have since been actively involved in recovery. This includes both my own and supporting others in theirs. Recovery can include reading books, communicating with others in recovery, and participating in support groups and/or therapy. It always involves reclaiming one's own mind and discovering the other sides of the issues that you have been blinded to in the past.
My gradual awakening was socially, psychologically, and spiritually tumultuous. I lost everything from my former life. My suffering was substantial.
But I have gained everything, so it was worth it. Only after beginning my recovery did I gain social, psychological, and spiritual healing and growth, peace of mind, and self-respect. Only then did I discover who I am; and--for the first time--the meaning of real brotherly love.
For more resources on this topic, try these web sites:
http://freeminds.org/
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/freedomofmind/
Education/Credentials
Like most Cult Recovery Counselors, I am a cult survivor. I have life experience, not professional training. Also I feel no need to apologize for that. People with professional training cannot understand what it is like to survive a cult unless they have been through it themselves, which few professional therapists have. Understanding what really happened and what works in this unusual social context is as important as psychological training. Most professional therapists are not specifically trained to support cult survivors. Those who are represent a rare and precious resource.
I sometimes refer people to professional therapists regarding deep personal issues. But surviving a cult is a broad experience with other dimensions. Professional therapy can be very helpful as part of your recovery process, assuming that you choose the right therapist. When choosing a therapist, remember that you are the client and they are a service provider. You are the one who holds authority about the relationship. You get to interview the therapist and decide which one to employ.
Be sure to ask what specific training and experience they have around recovery from cult mind control. Most therapists do not have relevant training. Some carry serious misunderstandings about what cult mind control is; and therefore will misunderstand your struggle. So it pays to be selective as a consumer of professional therapy services.
Past/Present Clients
The Witness organization is not like other churches. Most non-Witnesses really cannot imagine what it is like to be a Witness. The organization has unimaginably extensive rules and monitoring that affect every aspect of life, so there is no privacy and no sense of personal independence. "Independent thought" is considered their greatest "sin".
The organization insists on absolute conformity, and claims to directly represent God; so dissent is not tolerated, and authority is totalitarian. Being a Witness is more like living in China or the former Soviet Union than being a member of a religion as you know it. It was the research of Robert J. Lifton, who was studying--not religions--but totalitarian governments, who first began to illuminate the problem of religious cults around the world, which employ exactly the same tactics as totalitarian governments. His work remains a cornerstone for Cult Recovery Counselors still today. (This may be why many governments are tolerant of cults, to avoid exposing their own control tactics.)
Witnesses often experience unusually dysfunctional lives and an extensive array of personal problems stemming from broken family ties, stunted social development, inner unrest resulting from repressed doubts, inability to defend boundaries, and an extreme, persistent feeling of irrational shame. I can help people impacted by an experience with the Witnesses by revealing in detail the policies and social dynamics in the Witness organization that cause these problems.
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