Expert: Andrew - 11/29/2008

Question
Hi Andrew,
My mother-in-law is a Witness, though my father-in-law is not, (she
converted shortly after they married. My husband was raised as a Witness but
at 16 he refused to be baptized and left the church. His mother kicked him
out of the house and his father who was never a very present force did
nothing to stop this. Needless to say he has had very little contact with his
family in the years that followed and supported himself and put himself
through school. My husband didn't even tell his family about me until he
proposed, not wanting to deal with what his mother would say about him
marrying a non-witness, even though he'd had no contact with the church for
over 10 years. Incidentally, the moment his family found out about me they
have become super involved in our lives, which is strange since they never
bothered before. His mother did not attend our wedding, although his father
did. My concern comes in with the fact that I know she disapproves of me,
maybe not on a personal level, since she is always very nice to me; I know
deep down she is displeased and has made it her goal to convert me and get
her son back and involved in the church. She has written me several emails
with her translations of scripture that always seems to be pointed in the
direction that "Eve corrupted Adam" meaning I am corrupting her son, etc...
(I know from other family members that she has made several comments as
well about me standing in the way of getting her son back.)
It makes me very uncomfortable because I want to have a good relationship
with his family, but I also feel like I should not have to feel put on the spot for
my beliefs. It gets frustrating having to tiptoe around topics like what we did
for Christmas, Thanksgiving, the list goes on. My question is this, how can I
politely deflect her attempts without offending, or giving her false hope that
I'm interested? Also is it a vain attempt to try to get her to accept me for who
I am and realize that my husband and I will never be part of her faith?  I'm
trying very hard to see things through her eyes, so to speak, and realize that
she is this way because this is her truth and not to judge but it's becoming
difficult. Any advice would be much appreciated.

Answer
Dear Kelly,

I have heard stories very much like your husbands over and over again. Witnesses repeatedly claim that they do not kick their teenage children out of the house for failure to conform to stringent religious requirements. They insistently claim that they do not interfere in the free choice of their adolescent and adult children regarding religious choice. But your husband is one of the many people who are living testimony that the opposite is true.

I'm sorry you're suffering with this. Thank you for making your question public so other people suffering similarly can benefit from your experience.

From your story it sounds like (although your mother-in-law's interference is annoying and uncomfortable and damaging to normal family relations) you and your husband are less at risk from continued indoctrination. You and your husband and (future) children are probably safe from your mother-in-law's indoctrination attempts. So there is a bit of a silver lining in your cloud. Even when the sky is dark, there are blessings to count.

I say you are "probably" safe because the past history likely has created bad blood in your husband's heart toward his parents, and therefore he is probably not motivated to respond well to his mother's manipulations--do you agree?

However, never underestimate the power of a manipulative mother-in-law. Persistence can wear down the strongest resolve, like waves against rocks. So your own immediate family is still at risk if you let her manipulations continue over a long period. (By "let continue" I mean as a last resort you might have to cut off relations with toxic relatives if they won't behave themselves. Although I would never recommend doing so over idealogy like Witnesses do, toxic relations don't help anybody, and only drag more people into the pit.)

> Incidentally, the moment his family found out about me they
> have become super involved in our lives, which is strange since
> they never bothered before.

Their sudden involvement is to exert control. In their idealogy, they believe their son will die when God brings Armageddon against the world of mankind, and their son's only hope of survival is to return to the Witnesses and comply even more now than they ever expected before. They believe you are an influence that will make it less likely he will return to the Witnesses (and they're probably right); which is why the mother-in-law disapproves of you (although perhaps nothing personal). You hit the nail on the head in that respect.

> made it her goal to convert me

If you plan to maintain and try to heal relations with your Witness mother-in-law, and it is her goal to convert you (understandably I think), then your husband is at risk to some degree until he has completed his recovery process. If he is like most former Witnesses, he has never recovered, and is therefore still vulnerable. Time does not heal this wound, and he needs active recovery work in order to become immune to her manipulations.

You also are at risk, perhaps to a lesser degree. Although you have no Witness experience of your own to recover from, you can and should still learn about the tactics of cult mind control so that you can see it coming and reject it when it comes. It is very seductive and insidious. Even the smartest strongest most disciplined people can fall for it until they know exactly what to watch out for. So I recommend you learn the tactics of cult mind control if you plan to maintain relations with such a mother-in-law.

> She has written me several emails with her translations of
> scripture that always seems to be pointed in the direction that
> "Eve corrupted Adam" meaning I am corrupting her son, etc...
> (I know from other family members that she has made several
> comments as well about me standing in the way of getting her son
> back.)

So you understand perhaps with the context above why she would think that way. To Witness mind, "corrupted" means anything that does not conform to Witness dogma. So in her mind you corrupt her son simply by failing to reinforce him to be the robotic minion she's trying to reinforce him to become. There is likely nothing you can do to change that attitude in her mind.

> It makes me very uncomfortable because I want to have a good
> relationship with his family, but I also feel like I should not
> have to feel put on the spot for my beliefs. It gets frustrating
> having to tiptoe around topics like what we did for Christmas,
> Thanksgiving, the list goes on.

Very understandable expectations and reasonable I think, from the perspective of mainstream culture. But your mother-in-law is part of another culture. This is what it's like to be married to a former Witness. It is very normal in a situation like yours. It may not be possible to have what you and I would call a "good relationship" with his family. She will continue to make it toxic because she continues to believe she's doing what she can to save her son's life; and she absolutely cannot see any down side to what she's doing because of her worldview.

I understand your frustration tiptoeing around holidays. Holidays are a centerpiece of what most of us consider "good family relations" which is the real reason Witnesses object to holidays; because they wish to dissolve family ties. Like all cults, they do this because people are easier to control (put dogma first in their lives) when they do not have strong families as a foundation.

> My question is this, how can I politely deflect her attempts
> without offending, or giving her false hope that I'm interested?

As you choose how you respond to her, you must understand her truly bizzare mindset in order to be effective. She believes she is a player in a war between God and the Devil, and her son is a probable casualty; and she is desperate to do whatever she can to save his life because of this inevitable sequence of events she sees on the horizon. So politeness may be a luxury. Be careful.

One possible course would be to show absolute firmness and resolve (no hint of acceptance of her ideas) so as not to encourage her to continue; yet to be completely kind and avoid sniping if possible. This may require you to become very clear about what is right and wrong; that is, what is acceptable for her to ask of you and your husband; and to maintain an absolute firm boundary (albeit with kindness) when she tries to cross.

> Also is it a vain attempt to try to get her to accept me for who
> I am

As you already noted, it is not personal; so yes, I think it is a vain attempt as long as she remains possessed of this dogma.

> and realize that my husband and I will never be part of her faith?  

If she did at some point give up on getting her son to come back to the Witness faith, then she would likely become more reasonable, although it might break her heart.

> I'm trying very hard to see things through her eyes, so to speak,
> and realize that she is this way because this is her truth and not
> to judge but it's becoming difficult. Any advice would be much
> appreciated.

That is VERY dangerous. Please don't try to see things through her eyes until after you have innoculated yourself by studying cult mind control tactics. You cannot apply normal social rules of polite mainstream culture to this bizarre situation involving an extreme dogmatic subculture.

Yes, she is this way "because this is her truth"; however, she will not give you that same respect and accomodation, so can you afford to be so generous?

Not to judge? It may be helpful to get crystal clear about what it means to judge. Is judging a situation not the same as drawing a conclusion? After having given adequate time to gather all the pertinent facts, isn't it OK to draw conclusions, that is, to judge a situation? I think it is.

What the Bible warns against is judging people, that is deciding in our hearts that they are inherently bad or unworthy. If you are a Christian, you will no doubt want to leave that in God's capable hands; however, this does not mean you should not judge the situation.

From my point of view after my experience with the Witnesses, the real problem with "judging" is that drawing conclusions about people can become an excuse to withhold compassion. If you do something I don't approve of, then I'm justified to withhold compassion and turn my back on you. That's judgementalism. It's what the Witnesses do, and understandably not something most of us want to do.

However, it is quite possible to draw conclusions about people and extend them compassion anyway, even if they have done something completely unacceptable like your mother-in-law has. Try to be compassionate regardless, and then you are not judging her. Yet be crystal clear within your mind about what is happening and how you might respond to it so as to keep your family safe and promote good family relations to the extent you are able.

I hope this helps to some degree, at least by providing context if nothing more. Please write me again if you have any further specific questions.

Best of luck,
AndrewXJW