Expert: Andrew - 12/24/2008

Question
The question I have is not about doctrine. I am not a member of JW nor do I have any desire to become a member for reasons I rather not mention currently. However, my spouse was raise in a JW faith and he stop going to the Kingdom Hall for about 20 years prior to us marrying. Before we where to get married we were engaged for about 1 year and during this time we even lived together (which was in sin) his family never questioned us about this nor did they reach out to us to help us or anything otherwise. The day before my wedding and for the past 11 years of our marriage this has been an issue. First I was married in my home, and was asked because I was not going to conduct my wedding to the traditional JW format could I leave my own home and go to the town Hall to get married. of course I did not do this because I was in my home and not in the present of this indidivual the wedding was also the complete financial responsibility of me and my family. Then I had awake magazines and wacthtower magazines that was drop off at my home given to my children behind my back without my approval or even asking me. When that did not work, my mother in would called my home and speak only with my spouse to convince him not to go to church with his own family to explain to him that church was for us not for him. she would beg him to not become dissfellowship. During this time church was all my children knew, and it hurt them tremendously to not have their father worship God with them. My question in all this was how can you be disfellowship from something you was not in fellowship with for the past 20 years not unless the real issue was for you to now come back to the KH? It has now been 11 years later and my mother in law is dying and we are the one's that have gave up so much to be by her side throughout all of this. However, my spouse family still has not given him that respect of being a believer because he has choose another faith other than JW. I don't see anywhere in my bible that this is Christlike. Christ was brought to all that will accept him, not to a certain religous group. However, my question is this how can a religion dictate to me that I should love my children but disassociate or limit that love that I display because they are in sin? When we all are in sin ( For all have fallen short? our rightness are but filthly raggs) How can we truly have true love (which is God) for one another and simple deined that display to fulfill a religous requirment? Now I know that JW are seeking to follow the Bible but so is the church. We all must put our will aside and follow the will of God to be a true worshipper of God, but in that God dictates that we all are severvants to one another, we are to display the love of Christ without judgement for this is the job of God and God alone. So even when my spouse has to repent like we all have to repent he has freedom that he never had before because his repentant his unto the Lord and this is what true repentance is. God is a loving God, (at least the God I know is) God has never forsaken or limit his love to me. He has never turned his back on me. When I was homeless he was there, when I was hungry he was there, In all the good times and the bad times he was there, and this was enough (In all things I am contend) I say this to say he was there, it was not my religion, it wasn't just a few scriptures I can remember that got me through it was the true sprit of the living God operative in my life. I couldn't image him not being there. I could probably receive what I need by other means but once I have Jesus I don't need anything other. With all this being said how could interpret the Bible into my religous practices and practice disfellowshipping my brother, sister, son, daughter or children. I lost my mother, and what I found in Jesus was another mother. My mother was Jesus daughter she was sent to pour into me and bring to me Jesus not to a religion. Now I know that in the kingdom of God there is order and law, however, there is also grace suffice for lives journey's and all our mistakes. No one can earn the love of God it is a gift. This dosn't give us the excuse to sin what it dose is open us up to the love of God which brings about true conversion to the will of God and not to the will of man. God Bless

Answer
Dear Jane,

I understand most, if not all, of what you've said here. I'm sorry you're suffering with this situation.

There is nothing certain about the actions of Jehovah's Witnesses, as their actions are often arbitrary. However there are often observable and somewhat predictable patterns. I can only answer your query based on what is typical, so it may not apply completely to your situation. With that in mind...

"Disfellowshipping", which is the Witness term for expulsion and subsequent shunning, only occurs when Witness elders convene as a committee to review a case and make a decision about it. Elders are always selected for participation in such committees who know the Witness involved in the case. It is completely unheard of for elders to convene as a committee to consider a case involving a person who has been completely ininvolved (in Witness activities) for 20 years. For one thing, if your husband has been completely inactive for 20 years, it is unlikely that there are any elders who know your husband well enough to review his case or make any decision about it.

So based on the information you provide, it seems like a case of annoying busybody interference from his relatives, not any real risk of disfellowshipping. Your husband's relatives who wish to influence him, in their minds "for his own good", may invent all sorts of stories in their effort to influence him. In their minds, the end justifies the means, so they may likely twist the truth if they think doing so will effectively influence him. I truly doubt there is any risk of disfellowshipping, because I have never heard of it in a situation like his. Although disfellowshipping is possible, I think it's much more likely that this is only a case of busybodying by relatives using the threat of disfellowshipping to influence him.

You have a legal right to decide who has contact with your children. If Witnesses are seeing your children behind your back without your consent, I suggest you clearly tell non-relatives they may not contact your children any further; and tell relatives they may not contact your children without you being present. Even Witnesses must obey the law, and in most countries you can have them brought up on charges for failure to comply. Most judges would be sympathetic to you, as Witnesses are very unpopular in the legal systems of most countries for good cause. This depends to a great degree, of course, on where your husband stands regarding Witnesses contacting the children.

The Witnesses cannot dictate or regulate you in any way, as you are not a Witness and have never been. They know they cannot. So although they may make your life miserable through their manipulations, they know full well that they have no authority in your life. This will not stop Witness relatives from trying to "save" your husband and children, however.

Do not expect the situation to make sense in the context of loving Christlike behavior. The Witnesses claim to be Christians, but have no real concept of love. To them, love and faith are intellectual processes, which of course completely misses the substance of love and faith. This will never make sense to you in the context of loving Christlike behavior. The correct context, in which their behavior might eventually make sense to you, is that of a mind control cult, seeking to control your husband and children in order to satisfy truly convoluted and insidious motives.

I hope this helps illuminate the situation a little, and that with more illumination you can more successfully navigate your situation. If there are additional specific questions, please feel free to write me again.

Best wishes,
AndrewXJW