Expert: Andrew - 12/29/2008

Question
I've been dating my fiance now for a year and a half.  When we met, he was married to a JW and he was one himself.  A year earlier, he walked in on his wife with another man. As he had no other witnesses to her indiscretion, and because her father is a former elder, he had no other choice but to forgive her and to try and make their marriage work.  A month later he found out she was pregnant.  I don't think his heart was ever really into salvaging his relationship and he only stayed due to her pregnancy, though they did remain together for another ten months after the baby was born.  Within a month of our meeting, he decided to leave her. She immediately turned him into the elders and he was disfellowshipped.  
His sister was also a JW.  She also cheated and left her husband... But never returned to the hall and was, for that reason, never dfed.  To me, that is just a formality.  My first question is this... Why does his mother, who is also a JW, still talk to his sister?  Isn't it hypocritical to still speak to one, when the situations, if not the punishments, are the same?  My fiance has a very hard time with this.  He was, after all, raised inside the religion.  He was a mama's boy, and having no contact with his mother has been very difficult, to say the least.  
My second question...  His ex-wife still practices.  She is a star manipulator and has learned how to work the system.  Although she was the initial cheater, she was never punished and dates now still withought a chaperone... How does one get reproved if no one ever tells?
And my last question... We have a daughter now, too... How do you celebrate holidays with one child and not the other?  
Oh... sorry... one more... What if, after all this, he decides to go back?  Where does this leave me and our daughter??


Answer
Dear Cortney,

The injustice you and your fiance have experience is outrageous. In your situation, I would be very frustrated. Yet this kind of thing is not surprising in our world, and especially among people who do not control their own minds.

Justice is out of reach among those who have not yet reclaimed their minds and trained their minds in justice. Although it is possible, with much work, for former Witnesses to reclaim their minds, training their minds in justice is difficult in a world where justice has been forgotten. So this same kind of thing (covering the major error of one and exaggerating the minor error of another) is just as likely outside the Witness organization or more so, as it is inside.

Although people are more sensitive than ever to injustice, our species is more lost than ever about how to behave justly. What must we all do to help create a world in which justice prevails? That is beyond my area of expertise, yet I wish you success in helping to create such a world, and hope for my own success similarly.

We must each do what little we can.

> Why does his mother, who is also a JW, still talk to his sister?  
> Isn't it hypocritical to still speak to one, when the situations,
> if not the punishments, are the same?  My fiance has a very hard
> time with this.  He was, after all, raised inside the religion.  He
> was a mama's boy, and having no contact with his mother has been
> very difficult, to say the least.  

Based on what little information about the specific case is available to me, I can only speculate about her motives. All else being the same between the two cases (your fiance and his sister), there are no Witness social dynamics I know of that would cause the mother to speak to one but not the other.

However, looking at mainstream culture in the western world (not specifically in the Witness subculture), I have found that women often side with one another against men because of inter-gender prejudice and because of double standards involving accountability, and this might make it easy for the mother to reconcile, even unofficially, with her daughter, while blaming her son. Something very similar has happened with my mother.

I'm sorry this experience is difficult for your fiance. It might be possible for you to use this experience to gently help him open his eyes and move toward active recovery.

> His ex-wife still practices.  She is a star manipulator and has
> learned how to work the system.  Although she was the initial
> cheater, she was never punished and dates now still withought a
> chaperone... How does one get reproved if no one ever tells?

"Dating" in mainstream culture usually includes sex. Among Witnesses, "dating" typically means merely dinner and a movie in order to find out whether the couple wishes to marry. If the ex wife is dating by the mainstream definition while pretending to live according to Witness rules, your fiance could perhaps hire a private detective.

By Witness rules, the only evidence required to "convict" her in the church court (called a "judicial committee") is that she entered the man's home (or vice versa) in the evening, and did not exit until the morning. All the private detective has to do is sign an affidavit to that effect. Photos would help. Any Witness in good standing can present this evidence to the ex wife's local congregation elders, and they will likely hold her accountable.

It probably wouldn't work for your fiance to present the evidence, as they will not listen to him because he is disfellowshipped. If there is no Witness relative on his side willing to help, then I know of little that can be done.

> We have a daughter now, too... How do you celebrate holidays with
> one child and not the other?  

There is no easy answer, I'm sorry. Witness policies (and those of all cults) actively tear families apart. The reason they do this is because people are easier to control when they do not have the solid foundation that families provide.

Is it not better to teach the one child to celebrate life with joy than to allow Witness foolishness to cast a pall over every holiday?

> What if, after all this, he decides to go back?  Where does this
> leave me and our daughter??

I think a useful analogy is an unrecovered alcoholic, deeply involved in destructive drinking behaviors.

A man can recover from alcoholism, and remain sober. Likewise, a former Witness can recover and remain mentally free. You might respect a man recovered or working diligently at his recovery from alcohol as a worthy life partner; yet would you not draw the line and insist that he must at least work diligently at his recovery in order to be a worthy life partner?

Is your fiance working at his recovery? A former Witness who no longer participates in Witness activities but has not yet completed a diligent recovery program is like an alcoholic who is still drinking regularly.

For most former Witnesses, simply to discontinue participation in Witness activities is not enough. They have taken themselves out of the Kingdom Hall, but they have not taken the Kingdom Hall out of themselves. So it will continue to affect them until they work diligently at their recovery, in some cases for many years.

This may not be what you wanted to hear, but it is better to know where the rocks are and navigate around them than to be blissfully unaware of the rocks and crash your ship into them.

Please write me again if you have further specific questions.

Best wishes,
AndrewXJW