Critics of Jehovah`s Witnesses/Still Captive Despite Betrayal

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Expert: - 12/30/2008


Question
Perhaps I should explain the situation with my fiance's sister a little more.  She was married to a non-jw but has been a baptised jw herself for 26 years.  She cheated and ultimately left her husband.  She has not since returned to the hall, and so has not been disfellowshipped.  Their mother has neen a jw for 30 years.  She recently remarried and had her one-year anniversary this month.  His sister was invited to the reception, he was not.  His mother has repeatedly told me that his sisters not being dfed is only a formality and that the elders are desperately trying to speak with her.  My fiance confessed his sins.  He did not repent nor show remorse, so was dfed, but she is not remorseful either.  I don't get it.  To add a little more salt to the wound, his sister is now back with her ex husband and is so living with him out of wedlock... The whole situation is a mess and one that I can't seem to make any sense of.  How do I help my fiance?  He sees the hypocrisy, but wants his mother in his life.  
You suggested that he needs to work at removing the hall from himself.  How do I help him do that?  Do you suggest counseling?  I've tried to talk to him about jw beliefs, but he thinks that I'm attacking him and the things he was raised to believe.  He says he won't go back, but not because he doesn't believe... Simply because they turned their backs on him while continuing to support the ex that cheated on him repeatedly.
One other question... Is his other daughter going to one day see him as a child of Satan?  Is she going to believe that he will face a wrathful death?  Will she try to convince our daughter of her beliefs?
I know that I'm a little long-winded and I'm sorry, but thank you.  

Answer
Dear Cortney,

Oh I see, this is quite different from the impression I had before. Simply because your fiance is disfellowshipped and his sister is not, this would be plenty of reason in the Witness mindset for the mother to speak to the daughter but not to the son. Witnesses do not consider the circumstances of the cases. They do not use their own God-given critical thinking faculties to consider the actual culpability of their fellow members. They only consider the boolean condition of "disfellowshipped" or not, as determined by the elders. They leave it completely up to the elders to decide who is a worthy associate, never even knowing most of the time what the offense was, much less the circumstances of the case.

Sounds like you're trying to make sense out of why he was "disfellowshipped" but she was not. Don't bother trying, Cortney. You're trying to make sense out of something that simply doesn't. In order to really understand, your mind would have to be as convoluted as theirs. I could try to explain further about why they elect to disfellowship one but not another, but it wouldn't really help you. Do you really want to know?

If the elders are trying to reach her, and believe she is guilty of some serious sin, but she doesn't return their calls, they will likely "disfellowship" her also for not returning their calls. There is such a thing as "disfellowshipping" for refusal to communicate. It is not at all rare.

I understand completely that your fiance wants his mother in his life. He can pursue an active recovery plan, which would make him a heretic in his mother's eyes, yet she need never know that he is doing so. Part of recovery includes learning how to speak to Witness relatives without triggering them. If he thinks the only way to have his mother in his life is to follow Witness rules more closely, this will most certainly damage your own family relations further. I believe he needs to pursue an active recovery plan, and keep quiet about it with his mother so that she will eventually come around and allow him back into her life.

If he feels "attacked" when you express concerns about Witness beliefs, if he respects the doctrines he was raised to believe, if he won't go back, but "not because he doesn't believe", then he is most certainly still mentally captive to Witness dogma. If he does not change his mind and begin an active recovery plan, I don't believe it's possible for you to ever have even a semblance of a normal family life.

If you still want to try to help him (by showing him that he needs to recover from this and reclaim his mind), even though it is a long shot, then I suggest you keep quiet until you finish reading some books on how to do so. A good book to start with is "Releasing the Bonds" by Steven Hassan.

By the statement that he won't go back because he was betrayed, but still believes they have the truth, he is living in a very dark place. He is at great risk of suicide because of living in a world where there is no hope of justice. He needs recovery desperately.

> Is his other daughter going to one day see him as a child of
> Satan?  Is she going to believe that he will face a wrathful
> death? Will she try to convince our daughter of her beliefs?

If she is a true believer in Witness dogma, then yes, probably, to all three questions. However, if your husband begins recovery, and the Witness daughter visits, and is exposed to a more normal lifestyle, then she has hope of recovery too. Most children who are exposed to Witness and non-Witness lifestyles choose the non-Witness lifestyle because it is far less rigid. However, she will never be exposed to the less rigid more authentic lifestyle until your fiance begins an active recovery program, will she? So her only hope is his recovery.

I hope this helps. Proceed carefully. Now that you've made it clear that your husband is still a true believer despite having been betrayed, I must warn you to be ever so careful. It is very easy to say the wrong thing, even with the best of intentions. Common sense does not apply. Read the book and you'll understand what I mean.

Best wishes,
AndrewXJW

Critics of Jehovah`s Witnesses

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I don't object to Witness theology, but rather their use of social pressure & deceptive manipulations to undermine family ties and control minds. (This may seem contradictory to Witnesses, who draw no distinction between spiritual belief and organizational policy.) I do not engage in theological debate. I support persons impacted by an experience with the Witnesses and advocate early education for everyone so that they can protect themselves from cults by understanding what to watch out for. (It's not what most people think.)

(Ex-)Witnesses: I know how upsetting it is to experience doubts (or anger) about your experience. Time does not heal this wound until you first remove the splinter, which takes more time and effort than you may realize. So, unless you have already put in that time and effort, don't be surprised if you are deeply affected long after the experience. But there is good news! You're NOT an enemy of God for doubting or for failing to meet the requirements of a human organization. An organization that lies cannot be the exclusive spokesman for the God of Truth. Tell me where you're at. I'll understand. I can show you how to begin or continue your recovery and make a life for yourself worth living.

Non-Witnesses: Describe your experience with your friend/relative who is (becoming) a Witness. I can help you understand the Witness indoctrination and social dynamics that are affecting him or her. I can help you put your options into perspective. Keep in mind that people do make their own choices (even though they may sometimes do so under outside influence) and you may not be able to affect this person's choices, even though they impact on you. After all, you do not have the arsenal of tactics that a cult does (and wouldn't want to). A few people manage to save their friend/relative, but don't count on it. What you can count on is navigating the maze more successfully by becoming more informed about your own options.

Experience

I was a Witness for 30 years, and a volunteer at their headquarters in Brooklyn, New York, for a year. I have attended meetings with many Witness congregations across the United States, a thorough cross-section, carefully observing patterns of behavior. Although being a Witness was difficult, and I gradually had more and more doubts about Witness teachings--I was a true believer, so I kept trying to make it work somehow. I stopped attending meetings in 1997 only after receiving an answer to a prayer about doing so, and have since been actively involved in recovery. This includes both my own and supporting others in theirs. Recovery can include reading books, communicating with others in recovery, and participating in support groups and/or therapy. It always involves reclaiming one's own mind and discovering the other sides of the issues that you have been blinded to in the past.

My gradual awakening was socially, psychologically, and spiritually tumultuous. I lost everything from my former life. My suffering was substantial.

But I have gained everything, so it was worth it. Only after beginning my recovery did I gain social, psychological, and spiritual healing and growth, peace of mind, and self-respect. Only then did I discover who I am; and--for the first time--the meaning of real brotherly love.

For more resources on this topic, try these web sites:
http://freeminds.org/
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/freedomofmind/



Education/Credentials
Like most Cult Recovery Counselors, I am a cult survivor. I have life experience, not professional training. Also I feel no need to apologize for that. People with professional training cannot understand what it is like to survive a cult unless they have been through it themselves, which few professional therapists have. Understanding what really happened and what works in this unusual social context is as important as psychological training. Most professional therapists are not specifically trained to support cult survivors. Those who are represent a rare and precious resource.

I sometimes refer people to professional therapists regarding deep personal issues. But surviving a cult is a broad experience with other dimensions. Professional therapy can be very helpful as part of your recovery process, assuming that you choose the right therapist. When choosing a therapist, remember that you are the client and they are a service provider. You are the one who holds authority about the relationship. You get to interview the therapist and decide which one to employ.

Be sure to ask what specific training and experience they have around recovery from cult mind control. Most therapists do not have relevant training. Some carry serious misunderstandings about what cult mind control is; and therefore will misunderstand your struggle. So it pays to be selective as a consumer of professional therapy services.

Past/Present Clients
The Witness organization is not like other churches. Most non-Witnesses really cannot imagine what it is like to be a Witness. The organization has unimaginably extensive rules and monitoring that affect every aspect of life, so there is no privacy and no sense of personal independence. "Independent thought" is considered their greatest "sin".

The organization insists on absolute conformity, and claims to directly represent God; so dissent is not tolerated, and authority is totalitarian. Being a Witness is more like living in China or the former Soviet Union than being a member of a religion as you know it. It was the research of Robert J. Lifton, who was studying--not religions--but totalitarian governments, who first began to illuminate the problem of religious cults around the world, which employ exactly the same tactics as totalitarian governments. His work remains a cornerstone for Cult Recovery Counselors still today. (This may be why many governments are tolerant of cults, to avoid exposing their own control tactics.)

Witnesses often experience unusually dysfunctional lives and an extensive array of personal problems stemming from broken family ties, stunted social development, inner unrest resulting from repressed doubts, inability to defend boundaries, and an extreme, persistent feeling of irrational shame. I can help people impacted by an experience with the Witnesses by revealing in detail the policies and social dynamics in the Witness organization that cause these problems.

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