Expert: Andrew - 12/12/2008

Question
QUESTION: After a 15 year hiatus my husband is returning. I'm a devout Catholic
and he has always respected my faith. When I met him neither of us
were very active in out faith but I am now a Christian. And of course
he see's himself as one also. I have been doing much research on the
JW and there for become very worried about the changes that I will
eventually see in my husband. He is a wonderful man, devout husband
and father, loyal, intelligent and trustworthy. I know that allot of
what he is today is because of the way he was raised. He studied JW
since he was about 9, and was baptized sometime in his teens. Where
do I start....... how do I handle this mind control they have over
him.....I don't want to do something and later find out that it just
reconfirms his beliefs. It all started about 3 months ago. That fateful night we met while I was on vacation 10 years ago,  was not fate.  EVERYTHING  has changed and he can't understand why I can't except this. He has now stopped celebrating holidays with
us. For the first 10 years of our relationship is was involved in
everything. It breaks my heart to think for the rest of our lives, it
will only be me and my girls celebrating birthdays, Christmas,
Valentines Day, EVERYTHING!! ! I love my husband so much and this
scares me to death!!! Help. We have a 4 year old together and we
agreed before she was born that we wouldn't get her baptized till she
was old enough to decide on her own. Well that was before he went back
of course. She has been attending mass with me on a regular basis and
loves it.  I have since told him that I wanted to get her baptized and he said he wanted nothing to do with it.  He won't go to the baptism or even have his name on the certificate.  I said fine. I'm going through with it.
After much discussion with my husband regarding his return to the
Jehovah Witness organization. ....And how heavy my heart has been since
he told me....that I don't know if our marriage can survive this. I
know that I can't live with someone that being controlled by the
Watchtower.. ..My God doesn't tell me what to wear, where I can go and
can't go, what I can eat...and so on and so on.....and spending so
much time away from our family. The ball is in his court now....what
are the repercussions? Him leaving the JW's because his wife doesn't
want him to spend so much time praising God??? That is what he asked
me.
If he chooses to leave JW, will he treat me differently because I made
him decide between our marriage and the Watchtower?
I just want what we have had for the past 10 years back. I want the
man I met and fell in love with back then..I want my life back.

What do you think will change in our relationship if he chooses his family over this organization?  He views it as choosing me over his God.  That is very scary!  He asks me "Why cant I worship God the way I want to worship God? Why cant you except that?  It will only be hard for the first year.  Then it wont seem so bad."  No way,  I cant live with someone like this!  Who is this man that has invaded my husbands body?  

Please help,  am I doing the right thing by making him choose?  Is there something else I can do?
I did call him Mom, and she was very concerned.  She was in the JW years ago and still believes some of the things but doesnt agree with a lot of it and said that she wished I was calling about my husband having a affair instead of this.  She knows how serious this is.  That comment was proof of it.  She talked to him, but when I asked him about it he said " I haven't really thought about what she said, I havent had time.  But I don't live my life for my Mom or Dad....they cant tell me what to do."  His Father is a active member in a diffrent state.

I'm tired about going around and round about the "Pagen Holidays"  with Christmas and Birthdays and so on.  He has a response for everything.  

Can I cast a shawdow of dout in his mind?  He dosesnt believe that the Watchtower said the " End is coming in 1914 or 1925 or 1975"- what ever those exact dates are.  He doesnt believe that they published that in their magazines either.  Is there a come back to that?

Wende




ANSWER: Dear Wende,

Thank you for making your question public so others can benefit from your experience.

I'm afraid I don't have a lot of good news for you; although there is always hope, and illuminating the situation will give you better prospects than striking blows in the dark. So I'll illuminate your questions as best I can based on what is typical for situations like yours, based on my knowledge of the Witness mindset.

Of course individuals may vary from the typical scenario, and one hope is that your husband will allow himself to be be more directed by his inner light (or yours) and less by the mind games of that despicable controlling organization arrogantly pretending to represent God. May freedom and light prevail over captivity and darkness in your husband's case.

> loyal, intelligent and trustworthy. I know that allot of
> what he is today is because of the way he was raised. He
> studied JW since he was about 9, and was baptized sometime
> in his teens.

I agree. Being raised as a Witness does teach a person some solid values. Even the darkest clouds may have a silver lining. Yet in the overall picture, it is still a dark cloud.

> how do I handle this mind control they have over him.....I
> don't want to do something and later find out that it just
> reconfirms his beliefs.

That is a very legitimate concern. The Witness indoctrination process causes this very effect. Normal behaviors on your part will reconfirm his belief that you are an agent of the Devil because the very first thing that new recruits are taught (and wayward sons coming home will probably be reinforced about) is that "the Devil doesn't like it when you do the 'right' thing, and he will make it hard for you".

This is a dishonest context they set up, because it frames the Witnesses as unquestionably agents of God, and anything opposed to the Witnesses as unquestionably agents of the Devil. It leaves no room for even a possibility that the Witnesses are wrong in their beliefs nor actions and SHOULD be opposed.

It sounds like your husband has already made up his mind to return to the Witnesses, like he has already decided they were right all along and he was wrong to have ever left. (Warning to unrecovered former Witnesses: work your recovery to overcome this mindset!) That being the case, I suspect he will be quite like a new recruit, inasmuch as anything you do to oppose his "return to God" will be interpreted through the distorted lens they have given him. If you wish to salvage your marriage, please buy and read the book, "Releasing the Bonds" by Steven Hassan immediately, before you say another word to your husband. Time is critical. Order overnight delivery. It's worth the cost. This book will help you decide what you can say to your husband (if anything) to help change his mind without raising his defenses. Don't get your hopes up too much, as there is a great likelihood that he will not respond, but if you walk the razor's edge very patiently and say the right things, there is at least a chance your husband will respond to you.

> He has now stopped celebrating holidays with us. For the
> first 10 years of our relationship is was involved in
> everything. It breaks my heart to think for the rest of
> our lives, it will only be me and my girls celebrating
> birthdays, Christmas, Valentines Day, EVERYTHING!!! I love
> my husband so much and this scares me to death!!!

I understand your pain very clearly, Wende. I hear your fear. The ultimate reason all cults implement separatist policies (and in the case of the Witnesses decline to participate in family events like holidays and birthdays) is because when people are separated from their families, they are suddenly without a strong foundation and are therefore easier to control.

Cults are evil for this reason. Families are more important than idealogies; but cult advocates cannot understand this. They may even distort the words of Jesus to try to prove otherwise. Ask your heart how God feels about family, and trust the answer. Never let anyone tell you different.

> Help. We have a 4 year old together and we agreed before
> she was born that we wouldn't get her baptized till she
> was old enough to decide on her own. Well that was before
> he went back of course. She has been attending mass with
> me on a regular basis and loves it.  I have since told him
> that I wanted to get her baptized and he said he wanted
> nothing to do with it. He won't go to the baptism or even
> have his name on the certificate. I said fine. I'm going
> through with it.

I'm sorry at how this issue has divided your family. Keep on exposing your daughter to diverse experiences, this will be a protection for her from becoming ensnared as your husband has been. Take heart, because there is one statistic in your favor: Where children have a choice between two lifestyles, because one parent is a Witness and the other is not, children very rarely choose to follow the Witnesses. It is just too constrained and controlling. Children who have two options can compare the experiences and feel how constrained a Witness lifestyle is. It is rare that they choose to follow the Witness path; but still do not let your guard down. Give her opportunities to explore all the richness that life has to offer through a variety of experience that the Witnesses may prohibit, support her to live life with joy and celebration, for they will teach her it is a thing to be endured. Teach her the real meaning of faith, with all the mystery and heart that implies, for they will teach her that faith is an intellectual process that requires her to shut down her heart. This will help keep her free from their hooks for a lifetime.

> After much discussion with my husband regarding his return
> to the Jehovah Witness organization. ....And how heavy my
> heart has been since he told me....that I don't know if
> our marriage can survive this. I know that I can't live
> with someone that being controlled by the Watchtower. The > ball is in his court now....what are the repercussions?

Wende, I have never heard of a case where a zealous Witness has chosen their spouse over their organization. There may be a few, but those I've heard about were always the reverse, because he now identifies the Witness organization as the mouthpiece of God, and anything in opposition to it the mouthpiece of the Devil. So make this condition only if you are sure you would rather lose him than live with this ugly condition.

> Him leaving the JW's because his wife doesn't want him to
> spend so much time praising God??? That is what he asked
> me.

It is a typical distorted reframing of reality because, under Witness influence, he is losing his ability to see clearly, to use his God-given critical thinking faculties to weigh pros and cons. He sees only the pros of rejoining the Witnesses. There is no room in their absolutist closed-logic mindset to consider any cons.

> If he chooses to leave JW, will he treat me differently
> because I made him decide between our marriage and the
> Watchtower?...What do you think will change in our
> relationship if he chooses his family over this
> organization?  He views it as choosing me over his God.  
> That is very scary!

Yes it is.

If he leaves the Witnesses for you, you will be very lucky. Eventually their controls will fade from his mind, and you can influence him GRADUALLY to come back to the family. There is far less likelihood of influencing him while he continues to attend all their meetings and participate in all their extracurricular activities; which is the reason they hold such activities.

Some of the same ideas I mentioned regarding your daughter would also help your husband. Don't expect him to attend mass with you, but do show him unconditional love. Show him that life is a gift to be celebrated with joy. That is a tremendous contrast to Witness idealogy that perhaps may not challenge his Witness dogma, and therefore may prevent him from closing his mind to you.

His leaving the Witnesses to come back to the family would be a best possible outcome, but you would still have to be VERY PATIENT and give him time to gradually reclaim his mind. Most former Witnesses never recover for a lifetime, believing they have left God, and are condemned souls for doing so. In his case, if he leaves the Witnesses, his recovery might be even slower to begin. If you are up to the challenge, try patient loving persistence.

> I just want what we have had for the past 10 years back. I
> want the man I met and fell in love with back then..I want
> my life back.

Of course you do. Very natural. I'm so sorry this has happened. You didn't deserve it.

> He asks me "Why cant I worship God the way I want to
> worship God? Why cant you except that?  It will only be
> hard for the first year.  Then it wont seem so bad."  

This is absolutely untrue. It will be hard for the rest of your lives together. Witness dogma will see to it. To them, you are a temptress who threatens your husband's eternal life. You will be ostracized or condescended to by his community, and he will refuse to participate in your community because of their separatist policies.

As you and I know, you are not telling him how to worship God; rather you simply want him to continue to be part of the family. He cannot see how this turn of events is destroying the family because he does not have objectivity about it.

> Please help, am I doing the right thing by making him
> choose?  

I can't tell you the right thing to do, Wende. Pray about it. Ask your heart.

> Is there something else I can do?

Read the book first. It will help.

> I did call him Mom, and she was very concerned.  She was
> in the JW years ago and still believes some of the things
> but doesnt agree with a lot of it and said that she wished
> I was calling about my husband having a affair instead of
> this.  She knows how serious this is.  That comment was
> proof of it.  

Yes, I agree with her. I'm so sorry. Take some time to take care of yourself this afternoon. Get a massage or go for a walk in the woods, whatever helps you recover from difficult problems. Be patient and find your center. You will find your way.

> She talked to him, but when I asked him about it he said
> "I haven't really thought about what she said, I havent
> had time.

This is the reason all cults keep their members busy with activities, so they will not have time to really think about the decisions they are making and come to their senses.

> I'm tired about going around and round about the "Pagen
> Holidays"  with Christmas and Birthdays and so on.  He has
> a response for everything.  

Certitude through rehearsal, without ever having thought through any of it completely. He may think he has thought it through, but in reality, they have held him by the hand through each step of their logic, so that he thinks it is his own, forgetting that they guided him to each and every conclusion.

> Can I cast a shawdow of dout in his mind?  

Read "Releasing the Bonds".

> He dosesnt believe that the Watchtower said the " End is
> coming in 1914 or 1925 or 1975"- what ever those exact
> dates are.  He doesnt believe that they published that in
> their magazines either.  Is there a come back to that?

Later in his recovery process, yes. But not now. It's too early for him. Don't say another word to him until you read the book. You're only digging yourself a deeper hole until you know the right things to say.

Please write me again if you think of any further specific questions. May you have success and joy and peace despite this difficult challenge.

Blessings,
AndrewXJW

---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: Thank you very much Andrew for taking the time to read and answer my long list of questions.  You really helped me in many different ways.  I have ordered the book, but haven't gotten it yet.  I haven't said anything more.  At the end of our discussion on Sunday,  he said that he wanted this to work and didn't want a divorce.  And it was the first time he has cried during the last 6 weeks.  I have cried everyday over this.  Then he went to bed.  It was strained for a couple days and then Wednesday came and I prayed all day for him.  Because he usually does bible study at our house at 5:00.  Well 5:00 came and went and no one came.  And he was taking a nap on the couch.  So I assume that he wasn't expecting anyone.  He hasn't said anything.....has he made his decision?  Is that what the tears were for?  I did find a really interesting letter that I would like him to read,  can you read it and see if it is a good idea?
http://newsblaze. com/story/ 20081209054218zz zz.nb/topstory. html
Thank you so much!!  I think that I finally found someone that understands and is willing to help save my husband.  It means so much!!
Wende


Answer
Dear Wende,

I don't think it's a good idea to share this letter with your husband just yet. It would likely raise his defenses and cause him to close his mind toward you. Later on in his recovery process, he will be able to process information like that and it may help him move forward in the process of reclaiming his mind. For now, I'm afraid it would backfire.

Wow! Yes it sounds like he cancelled his home bible study for you. I'm so glad to hear it, and hope it proves to be so. Hold your breath gently, and pray a lot! I think you're very lucky to have experienced this unusual degree of success, and suggest you let sleeping dogs lie for now.

It is a VERY vulnerable time for him, and a critical time for you. I hope the book arrives soon. Stay up 24/7 and finish reading it before you do anything else, as this time is SO critical for your family!

If he shows even the most subtle signs of wanting to abandon the family and return to the Witnesses again during this critical time and the book has not yet arrived, try using very gentle thought-provoking open-ended questions to encourage him to continue moving toward the family.

Later on, be sure he understands the importance to WORK AT HIS RECOVERY. It does take sustained and persistent effort in order to achieve inner peace and smooth relationships after an experience like his. Some professionals say a year of sustained recovery work for every two years as a Witness. So those who were raised as Witnesses and left at age 25 would need 12 years of persistent recovery efforts. This is real!

Most former Witnesses do not work at their recovery and therefore never recover from their Witness experience, and end up suffering throughout their lives for it. Time does not heal this wound! You will be a tremendous asset to him to help him understand this later on when the time is right. Right now, it might seem like looking a gift horse in the mouth, and besides he is too vulnerable for that conversation right now.

Best of success to you,
AndrewXJW