Expert: Andrew - 4/27/2008

Question
For my last 3 years as I witness I started having doubts about certain integral teachings (ie: 1914) and certain interpretations of what is and what is not considered moral according to bible standards. The doubts about the integral teachings caused me to feel like a complete fake talking to people door to door and even teaching the bible to a student or 2 and giving talks (I happened to be a ministerial servant and a full time pioneer at the time - was made a ministerial servant young - at 17). Along with all that pressure and self conflictedness, I also had relentless pressure from my Mother to not slack off in service, meetings, hospitality, bible studies, etc.

Anyway, it got to the point, pretty quick it seemed, that I could barely contain my secret doubts in that my voice would crack when speaking of teachings I had serious doubts about and I had to literally constantly bite my lips and take frequent trips to the restroom during the meetings when they would say things that touched on those doubts.

More than anything, it was the pressure from my Mom (and the fact that JW lifestyle is her life), coupled with knowing that the brothers would try relentlessly to fix me or calm my doubts, that caused me to stay in such a self conflicting situation for those 3 years. My main fear, and I felt by the strength of my doubts that it was a guarantee, that if the brothers found out my doubts and questioned me on it, I wouldn't be able to hold it in any longer and I would say something that would get me labeled as a threat by my Mother and the couple of friends I wanted to keep.

Anyway, over those 3 years I developed an ever increasing  sensitivity to the thought of someone looking at me. To this day, almost now 6 years out of the organization, I still have something in the subconcious part of my brain that does a fight or flight, totally shaken in my own skin feeling everytime somebody looks at me or I perceive they are or could be looking at me with any type of an evaluating eye.

My question is: If my time in that organization and it's ways of educating and operating could alter my mind soo much, wouldn't you think their should be another type of concentrated and focused education that could counter those years? My hunch is that this is an extreme challenge because it is hard for any educational or re-programming to even dwarf the amount of time and effort and words thru our heads that we went thru as witnesses. Isn't it generally unhealthy to focus on any one thing that much?

Answer
Dear Dan,

Thanks for contacting me. I can truly relate to your 3 years of doubt. Likewise, I experienced a period (longer than yours) of feeling very doubtful and conflicted.

As you disclose your self-consciousness when people look at you, you seem to be describing something akin to panic attacks. This also is familiar to me. During my doubting years, I experienced a full year of agoraphobia, during which I could not attend meetings (for the same reason as you), even though I had no plans at that time to discontinue my association with the Witnesses.

My overwhelming fear was that an elder would tap me on the shoulder and call me aside into one of the side rooms, and dress me down for no predictable reason. My heart would race, my breathing would become accellerated, and after a few minutes of this, I would slump down in my chair exhausted from the experience. Finally I realized these were panic attacks, and I knew I could not attend meetings for awhile, even though I was not yet ready to take action on my doubts. During my year "off" I stayed "regular" in preaching through Internet activities. I tried to spread the Witness "good news" by participating in forums and writing letters online.

That was a pivotal year, for there were some thoughtful former Witnesses (whom I would have called "apostates" at the time had I known) who gave me food for thought that later helped me begin my recovery. They posed a useful question, "What will you do if Armageddon does not come during the lifetime of the 1914 generation?" I had to answer, so I said, "That is unthinkable. However, logically, if that occurs, then that would be the end of the Watchtower Society." I was projecting ahead in time logically based on what I knew at the time.

When the Watchtower Society redefined the meaning of the word "generation" in 1995, I remembered back to my own prediction, and realized the society was not coming to an end, it was just reframing a failed prediction as it had done many times before. This was the beginning of the end of my association with the Witnesses.

We were judged mercilessly, so your panic reaction and mine I think are very understandable. Witnesses do not realize it, but they are conditioned and habituated to be extremely judgemental. I spent years afterward focused on removing the judgemental habit from myself, and I'm glad to report that I SUCCEEDED! I am living proof that IT IS POSSIBLE to overcome the conditioning the Witnesses plant within their members.

However it is not easy, and it does take time and effort. Most former Witnesses conclude that "time heals all wounds" so they never actually work at their recovery. They are mistaken. Time DOES NOT heal this wound, and so such persons never actually recover, and take their Witness conditioning with them to their graves, much sooner than they should in many cases unfortunately.

So I am very glad for you that you are willing to work at your recovery. You are right that there is "another type of concentrated and focused education that can counter those years". It is what I call cult recovery work. It is a slow and painstaking process, during which you must be patient with yourself and reclaim your mind, never taking anyone else's word for spiritual realities. You will discover in detail how you were affected, and begin to make conscious choices rather than habitual ones. Your true personality will begin to resurface, and you will for the first time be able to integrate together your own core values and your outer life. Recovery is VERY MUCH worth the effort.

This does not mean, however, that you should share your new discoveries with your relatives and Witness friends. You were right to be cautious among Witnesses if you wish to preserve your relationship with your mother. Witnesses can only hear what they can hear, so if you tell her things, no matter how well reasoned, that she is not ready to hear, she is likely to terminate her relationship with you. I believe it is possible for some of us in recovery to be very open with ourselves and vigorously pursue our recovery in the privacy of our own homes, without divulging it to Witness relatives. Family does matter.

Your recovery may consist of therapy, reading books, participating in online discussions, helping others with their recovery, and/or participating in live support groups. If you choose therapy, be sure to select a therapist who has experience with cult recovery. Many of them do not have that experience, and do not believe our experience is real, and will misdiagnose and mistreat you. Good books to start with include Steven Hassan's "Releasing the Bonds". Live support groups of non-theological former Witnesses are an ideal support to help you with your recovery, but they are not easy to find. I say non-theological because many support groups for former Witnesses are groups of people who have just switched from one religion to another, and therefore truly reclaiming your mind among them cannot occur.

Is it unhealthy to focus on one thing so much? Well, It can be unhealthy to dwell on the negative too much, but how much is too much? If you have spent a lifetime avoiding certain "negative" thoughts, it may be necessary to focus on those thoughts for awhile in order to reclaim your own mind and free yourself from external mental conditioning. Once you have truly freed yourself, then you would not need to dwell on those "negatives" anymore, but the greater danger for most former Witnesses is to allow that conditioning to remain because they are averse to exploring it.

Kaynor Weishaupt, a professional therapist and former Witness, gives this rule of thumb: It takes 1/2 a year of recovery for every year you spent as a Witnesses. So if you were a Witness for 20 years, you should expect your active recovery phase to last 10 years. For some of us that means a very long recovery phase, but IT IS WORTH IT!

I believe it is very healthy to focus intently on our recovery during the active recovery phase, because the improved emotional, spiritual, and social heath contributes IMMENSELY to one's happiness, and because former Witnesses who do not actively focus on their recovery for a sufficient period have a MUCH HIGHER rate of suicide than the general population.

May you have abundant success and joy as you pursue your recovery.

Blessings,
AndrewXJW