Expert: Andrew - 6/1/2008

Question
QUESTION: my wife and i have been with the jws since very young and we are both in late 20s and early 30s. my question is, we have told the elders of concerns about false prophecy and how Russell was involved with the occult and other things like the end is coming so put off having kids,college, or even moving or buying a house. he said as for Russell the light has gotten brighter. i said these are still core beliefs, and if they are based on the occult, how could Jehovah have anything to do with it? anyway i told him we need space and they gave us 90 days to make up our mind. 90 days are now up and he met my wife at the door and told her we need to make a decision. my question is are they looking for a disassociation? we don't want that we have family in it and just want to fade. what should we do and not do?

ANSWER: Dear James,

Did you see the movie, "Sophie's Choice"? It is about a Jewish woman under the Nazi regime faced with the impossible choice of having to give up one of her two children. The Nazi officer insisted she had to choose which of her two children to keep, that she could only keep one, which probably meant a death sentence for the other. She had to respond, or they would kill both children. What would she do?

Would she have lied if she could have in order to save her children's lives? Of course she would have. Is lying a choice she would usually make? No. Yet good people, when faced with impossible atrocity, sometimes have to make less-than-ideal decisions.

You have arrived at a difficult crossroads, because in order to keep a relationship with your family, you will probably have to lie. I don't advocate lying, and I'm sure you would not choose to lie under normal circumstances, but the elders of your congregation are clearly threatening to cut you off from your family; and family is very important.

My choice, in your situation, might be to make up a story about how I had resolved my doubts, and realized they were ill-founded, to reassure the elder that I believed in the organization as God's one true vessel; so that they will leave you and your family alone.

If you were to do this and return to active service for a few weeks, then you and your wife could still gradually drift away (after presenting a convincing appearance). You and your wife could and should reinforce each other with the truth of your situation so you do not fall back into actually believing the lies. You are very lucky to have each other. Be ready for changes in your relationship. Be sensitive to her changing mental landscape. Get support so the two of you can adapt together (not apart).

If you drift away GRADUALLY, then the elders are likely to leave you and your family alone. Is it not better for your Witness relatives to think of you as weak and eventually faithless, than for them to think of you as a traitor?

People can only hear what they are ready to hear. The elders you are dealing with, and perhaps your Witness relatives, are probably not able to hear the complete truth of what you have discovered in researching your doubts. Do not assume people are rational and can digest any argument as long as it's reasonable. This is not a safe assumption. People believe what they're conditioned to believe, what they're invested in believing. Doubts about the veracity of the premises of a totalitarian system threaten the very foundation of their house of cards. So your discoveries are for YOU, not for the elders or your Witness relatives. They must discover the real truth in their own way in their own time. The best you can do for them is drift away gradually, then wait 6 months, then start asking thought-provoking open-ended questions (that do not raise their defenses) and hope they will gradually realize some of the truths you have discovered.

The Watchtower Society claims to be the ultimate bastion of truth. Yet if you pursue your recovery process, such as by reading the wonderful book, "Crisis of Conscience", you will discover that they very often use lies to achieve their aims. The God of Truth cannot be exclusively represented by an organization that employs complex webs of deception and control. The Watchtower Society does not represent God.

If you were to tell them what they want to hear, that you have resolved your doubts, you would be far less dishonest than the Society has been toward you.

The alternative is to tell them forthrightly that you have decided their organization teaches falsehood. This would require you to either dissociate yourself or be disfellowshipped. They do not care whether you dissociate or wait to be disfellowshipped. They may have a slight preference that you dissociate, because there are some minor legal protections for them if you dissociate, and some minor legal risks for them if they disfellowship you. But one or the other is virtually certain if you tell them your doubts have been confirmed.

As you know, the Witnesses do not tolerate dissent, and they insist that members cut off communication with former members. The reason for this, very simply, is that they don't want their "flock" to discover "the other side of the story", as Paul Harvey would say. You are discovering the other side of the story, and they cannot afford for the entire "flock" to have a fully rounded view of the matter. Their power and control over the "flock" are completely dependent on being able to maintain half-truths in the minds of the rank and file. While the Witness leadership (elders, CO's, Service Department, and GB) probably have what seem like benevolent motives within their own minds, this does not make the end result benevolent.

I don't really believe anyone in the Witness leadership has malicious intent; rather they believe they are helping the "flock" stay on the straight and narrow for their own good, and that everything they teach comes from God. However, it is a delusion. God has not directly communicated with anyone at Watchtower headquarters, and manipulating the life path of other beings is directly contrary to the cosmic law of free choice. So systematically "helping" the "flock" stay on the "straight and narrow" (a questionable interpretation at best) through orchestrated deception and manipulation is an inherently evil perpetrated condition, no matter how kind the motives might be. Further, huge damage is done in terms of family ties, stunted personal growth, spiritual anxiety, and so on. So well-meaning intentions are not enough to ensure benevolent behavior.

I hope you understand your choice more clearly; that is really all I can offer. Please never buy into the destructive Witness claim that former Witnesses become enemies of God by leaving the organization. Leaving them means coming closer to God, because their organization is not "God's wife". It is more like a thorn in God's foot. Please continue your recovery process. It will take years of sustained effort in order to completely recover from this experience; yet the effort is so much worth it. Please seek and obtain the support you need and deserve in order to continue in your recovery.

Blessings,
AndrewXJW

---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: Thank you so much for taking time out for us. we do not want to go back to the hall. if we just avoid speaking to the elders or refuse any meetings i know the circuit overseer is coming around and a shepherding call is probably going to be attempted. the elder told me that i would not be disfellowshipped for these contrary thoughts as long as i kept it to my self. he acknowledged there is no proof of 1914 numerology in Daniel chapter 4 with regard to the tree representing Jehovah. i told him this is blasephemy to compare nebuchanezzar to Jehovah. anyway we havent done anything wrong will they just let us go. if our children who are in school have other witnesses kids see our children celebrate a birthday or do something contrary would this be grounds for disfellowshipment?  also if they want a investigative meeting or possible judicial as you may suggest. if we don't respond can they still disfellowship or disassociate? the only person that has spoken is my wife to her mother who is a jehovahs witness and very angry and already cutting us and the kids off.my wife attempted to explain but her mother really doesnt know what the watchtower teaches so it was more a matter of faith then fact.

Answer
Dear James,

I'm more than happy if I can help.

Just to discontinue meeting attendance has not been enough in my experience; however, since the elder has told you that you will not be disfellowshipped as long as you keep it to yourself, there is a chance that it might work to just "drop out"; but don't be surprised if this plan fails. They are not concerned as much with justice and giving you a fair shake and living up to their promises to you, as they are concerned with "keeping the congregation clean" as they define it.

Refusing a shepherding call is definitely grounds for disfellowshipping; so be prepared for that. If they attempt to make an appointment, and you refuse to see them, they will almost certainly disfellowship for doing so. So considering your plan to just "drop out", perhaps your best hope of success is to accept the shepherding call and try to be apologetic and conciliatory during their visit.

I understand not everyone can do that. Some of us feel the need to draw a line in the sand and take a stand. I was one of them, but it cost me dearly to do so. You may need to draw a line in the sand; and I would certainly not criticize you for doing so; I'm just trying to make sure you are aware of the consequences so that you can make a fully informed decision about how to proceed. You will probably be disfellowshipped if you refuse to see the elders during the shepherding call, or if they see during the shepherding call that your doubts were confirmed.

There is no more serious sin in their minds than "independent thinking", and you would be guilty in their minds of that sin if your doubts were confirmed by research and prayer. Of course their mental process doesn't count for you anymore, but it may count for your Witness relatives; so just something to keep in mind.

I think if other Witness children see your children celebrate a birthday within the initial period, you should expect to be disfellowshipped. After the initial period, after you had been inactive for some time, elders may not remember you and if they do, are less likely to react. How long is the initial period? This depends, will vary from case to case. Possibly as little as 6 months, possibly as long as 3.5 years. It wouldn't hurt to move to a new locality where the Witnesses don't know you, or keep your "disapproved" behaviors out of view of Witnesses for the first 3.5 years in order to protect your relationship with your Witness relatives.

If your wife's mother has already cut you out of her life, and you have no other Witness relatives, then all these precautions I have suggested are pointless; there isn't much more to lose; so you might as well relax and say what you need to say.

It is certainly a cathartic experience to get it off your chest, and it may help launch your recovery process to give the elders a piece of your mind. The only reason to hold back would be to protect relationships with Witness relatives or prevent Witness children from treating your children badly. If that risk does not apply in your case, then there is little to worry about.

I hope this helps.

Best wishes,
AndrewXJW