AboutAndrew Expertise I don't object to Witness theology, but rather their use of social pressure & deceptive manipulations to undermine family ties & control minds. (This may seem contradictory to Witnesses, who draw no distinction between spiritual belief & organizational policy.) I do not engage in theological debate. I support persons impacted by an experience with the Witnesses & advocate early education for everyone so that they can protect themselves from cults by understanding what to watch out for.
(Ex-)Witnesses: I know how upsetting it is to experience doubts (or anger) about your experience. Time does not heal this wound until you first remove the splinter, which takes more time & effort than you may realize. So unless you have already put in that time & effort, don't be surprised if you are deeply affected long after the experience. But there is good news! You're NOT an enemy of God for doubting or for failing to meet the requirements of a human organization. People who lie cannot represent a God of Truth. Tell me where you're at. I'll understand. I can show you how to begin or continue your recovery & make a life for yourself worth living.
Non-Witnesses: Describe your experience with your friend/relative who is (becoming) a Witness. I can help you understand the Witness indoctrination & social dynamics that are affecting him or her (which are probably not apparent to you). I can help you put your options into perspective. Keep in mind that people make their own choices, & you may not be able to affect this person's choices, no matter how much they impact on you. A few people manage to do so, but don't count on it.
Despite my struggle to recover from my experience with the Witnesses, it was worth it. I will never let anyone cloud my clarity of mind again. Let me use that clarity to help you gain clarity. You deserve it. Every living thing deserves truth, compassion, discovery, and wonder; not manipulation, judgementalism, dogma, or control.
Experience
I was a Witness for 30 years, and a volunteer at their headquarters in Brooklyn, New York, for a year. I have attended many congregations across the United States, carefully observing patterns of behavior. Although being a Witness was difficult and I gradually had more and more doubts about Witness teachings, I was a true believer, so I kept trying to make it work somehow. I stopped attending meetings in 1997 only after receiving an answer to a prayer about doing so, and have since been actively involved in recovery, both my own, and supporting others in theirs. Recovery can include reading books, communicating with others in recovery, and participating in support groups and/or therapy. It always involves reclaiming one's own mind and discovering the other sides of the issues that you have been blinded to in the past.
The Witness organization is not like other churches. Most non-Witnesses really cannot imagine what it is like to be a Witness. The organization has unimaginably extensive rules and monitoring that affect every aspect of life (so there is no privacy and no sense of personal independence).
The organization insists on absolute conformity, and claims to directly represent God; so dissent is not tolerated, and authority is totalitarian. Being a Witness is more like living in China or the former Soviet Union than being a member of a religion as you know it. It was the research of Robert J. Lifton, WHO WAS STUDYING TOTALITARIAN GOVERNMENT BEHIND THE IRON CURTAIN, that first began to illuminate the problem of totalitarian cult religions around the
world.
Witnesses often experience extremely dysfunctional lives and problems including broken family ties, stunted social development, inner unrest resulting from repressed doubts, inability to defend boundaries, and an extreme, persistent feeling of shame for no apparent reason. I can help people impacted by an experience with the Witnesses by revealing in detail the policies and social dynamics in the Witness organization that cause these problems.
My gradual awakening was socially, psychologically, and spiritually tumultuous. I lost everything from my former life. My suffering was epic.
But I have gained everything, so it was worth it. Only after beginning my recovery, I gained social, psychological, and spiritual healing and growth; I gained peace of mind; I gained self-respect; I discovered who I am; and for the first time I discovered the meaning of real brotherly love.
Expert: Andrew Date: 6/15/2008 Subject: JW as a school friend
Question Well, I have a group of friends that are all Jehovah's witnesses. I really enjoy spending time with them (one of them in particular is becoming a really good friend of mine) but their parent's don't allow it. The only time we can really spend time with each other is at school.
Usually I would just leave it and accept that it's their beliefs, but I received an e-mail from the one I particularly like basically saying 'My Mum doesn't want me spending time with you, but I think it's illogical because you don't do anything particularly "wrong" and I get along with you really well'.
This is quite hard to put into a specific question, but is there anything I can do to spend some more time with her? And do you think it's worth having a talk with her about her beliefs, as she obviously doesn't really enjoy being a Jehovah’s Witness?
I hope I make sense :)
Answer Dear Kate,
Individual Witnesses are sometimes very pleasant as friends and acquaintances, because they are taught to have very good manners, and they rehearse the way they present themselves to others exhaustively. (In some cases this means the presentation does not represent the real person. It takes time before even close friends can know the difference.)
In order to be an acquaintance or even a casual friend to a Witness, there's nothing special you need to know or be or do; although you are at risk of being seduced into the cult.
Due to that risk, regardless of your intentions, just because you have contact with a cult member, I think it is wise to fully understand the risk in order to protect yourself. Knowing exactly how cults operate enables you to "see it coming" when they try to influence you. If you see it coming, you will have an overview with which to protect yourself from being influenced against your will. I do not recommend continuing your friendship unless you're willing to do the research so as to understand exactly how cults operate, so that you will be able to protect yourself.
However, you have suggested reaching out to your Witness friend so as to penetrate a barrier for your friend's sake. This would make you more than a casual friend. If you really care enough about this friend to try to help her despite her special challenge, you are a real friend. However, it will not be easy to deliver on this intention. Your risk becomes multiplied by "discussing her beliefs" with her. By doing so, you open the door to them seducing you into the cult. Even your friend is probably conditioned to respond this way without realizing it. So you need all the more to understand the risk if you plan to open such a discussion.
Not only do you have to understand the risk to yourself, with this plan you also have to understand the risk to your relationship with your friend. Even though your friend has shown signs that she does not fully buy into her mother's reasons for keeping her separate from non-Witness friends like you, this does not necessarily mean she is ready to see her family and her religion in completely objective terms. I have seen many relationships destroyed because well-meaning non-Witnesses tried to use common sense where common sense DOES NOT APPLY. The mind games that cult organizations use make this a truly surreal situation that people without cult experience are usually completely unprepared for.
It is quite possible for her to resist her mother's instructions and mumble grudgingly about them, even though she may be nowhere near ready to reclaim her mind and begin thinking her own thoughts apart from the teaching of the Witness leadership.
So it would be very easy for you to unintentionally destroy your friendship with this Witness girl by saying the wrong thing. If you wish to avoid that, I recommend you read the book "Releasing the Bonds" by Steven Hassan before you say anything at all to her about her beliefs. This book will help you understand the risk, give you an idea of what to say, and how to say it, in a way that she may be able to hear.
I hope this helps as a first step. Please feel free to ask specific further questions if you like.
