Critics of Jehovah`s Witnesses/Marriage Problems of Ex-Witnesses

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Expert: - 9/5/2008


Question
Hello, I am a friend of two ex-witnesses, who are having problems living together after they have left the JW. He is 40 and she is 13 years older, have not much in common, probably they would have never got married if it were not for JW. They have lived happily together when they believed it is the right thing according to Jehova. They have a son, he is 11, they like each other. Now the husband would like to live differently, but the wife blames him for being bad, in fact she likes the way of life she used to have when she was a JW. A psychologist the husband visited reccommends to separate the pair, do you think there is a therapy that would enable them to overcome the problems so that they could stay together? Thank you in advance, D.

Answer
Dear Dominika,

I am not a psychologist and cannot recommend any specific type of therapy. However the question of whether a family should split does not belong to psychologists. Such advice is only advice.

Such a decision can only be made by the couple. From one point of view, they already made that decision long ago, and would now have to break a vow in order to make a different decision. Is that a valid point of view? Do vows mean anything? If vows mean nothing, then marriage and family mean nothing. I personally don't believe that.

In my view, one of the few things the Witnesses got right was their treating the marriage vow as sacred. Keeping vows from my point of view, what little it may be worth, matters. Differences can be healed. Some things are worth extra effort. If not this, then what? Divorce harms children far more than the collective conscious admits. So I don't believe it's reasonable nor appropriate for any outside counsellor to advise a family to split.

However, healing is only possible when both parties are determined to work at it in order to achieve healing. If either party has elected not to work at healing, healing will certainly not occur. As members of their community, I believe that couple needs the people around them to support them in keeping their vow until they have decided otherwise. Is there any other valid choice for members of their community?

The woman who longs for her past life and labels her husband as "bad" needs cult recovery work in order to begin to understand that what her husband did by moving away from the cult was not "bad" and was in fact healing for all members of the family, if not the family itself. However, she may not be ready nor able to begin her recovery any time soon, in which case the marriage may not survive. If it does survive, they can together begin growing toward a healthier marriage built on healthier psyches and teach their children freedom and love rather than control and judgementalism. Every child deserves that.

My advice to the husband is to give her time, and not challenge her worldview too much. People grow at different rates. My advice to the wife is (unless she is returning to the Witnesses), she needs to reclaim her own mind via cult recovery work (whether she is ready for it now or later), or she will join the masses of unrecovered former Witnesses who suffer from high rates of suicide and a very low quality of life.

Best wishes,
AndrewXJW

Critics of Jehovah`s Witnesses

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I don't object to Witness theology, but rather their use of social pressure & deceptive manipulations to undermine family ties and control minds. (This may seem contradictory to Witnesses, who draw no distinction between spiritual belief and organizational policy.) I do not engage in theological debate. I support persons impacted by an experience with the Witnesses and advocate early education for everyone so that they can protect themselves from cults by understanding what to watch out for. (It's not what most people think.)

(Ex-)Witnesses: I know how upsetting it is to experience doubts (or anger) about your experience. Time does not heal this wound until you first remove the splinter, which takes more time and effort than you may realize. So, unless you have already put in that time and effort, don't be surprised if you are deeply affected long after the experience. But there is good news! You're NOT an enemy of God for doubting or for failing to meet the requirements of a human organization. An organization that lies cannot be the exclusive spokesman for the God of Truth. Tell me where you're at. I'll understand. I can show you how to begin or continue your recovery and make a life for yourself worth living.

Non-Witnesses: Describe your experience with your friend/relative who is (becoming) a Witness. I can help you understand the Witness indoctrination and social dynamics that are affecting him or her. I can help you put your options into perspective. Keep in mind that people do make their own choices (even though they may sometimes do so under outside influence) and you may not be able to affect this person's choices, even though they impact on you. After all, you do not have the arsenal of tactics that a cult does (and wouldn't want to). A few people manage to save their friend/relative, but don't count on it. What you can count on is navigating the maze more successfully by becoming more informed about your own options.

Experience

I was a Witness for 30 years, and a volunteer at their headquarters in Brooklyn, New York, for a year. I have attended meetings with many Witness congregations across the United States, a thorough cross-section, carefully observing patterns of behavior. Although being a Witness was difficult, and I gradually had more and more doubts about Witness teachings--I was a true believer, so I kept trying to make it work somehow. I stopped attending meetings in 1997 only after receiving an answer to a prayer about doing so, and have since been actively involved in recovery. This includes both my own and supporting others in theirs. Recovery can include reading books, communicating with others in recovery, and participating in support groups and/or therapy. It always involves reclaiming one's own mind and discovering the other sides of the issues that you have been blinded to in the past.

My gradual awakening was socially, psychologically, and spiritually tumultuous. I lost everything from my former life. My suffering was substantial.

But I have gained everything, so it was worth it. Only after beginning my recovery did I gain social, psychological, and spiritual healing and growth, peace of mind, and self-respect. Only then did I discover who I am; and--for the first time--the meaning of real brotherly love.

For more resources on this topic, try these web sites:
http://freeminds.org/
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/freedomofmind/



Education/Credentials
Like most Cult Recovery Counselors, I am a cult survivor. I have life experience, not professional training. Also I feel no need to apologize for that. People with professional training cannot understand what it is like to survive a cult unless they have been through it themselves, which few professional therapists have. Understanding what really happened and what works in this unusual social context is as important as psychological training. Most professional therapists are not specifically trained to support cult survivors. Those who are represent a rare and precious resource.

I sometimes refer people to professional therapists regarding deep personal issues. But surviving a cult is a broad experience with other dimensions. Professional therapy can be very helpful as part of your recovery process, assuming that you choose the right therapist. When choosing a therapist, remember that you are the client and they are a service provider. You are the one who holds authority about the relationship. You get to interview the therapist and decide which one to employ.

Be sure to ask what specific training and experience they have around recovery from cult mind control. Most therapists do not have relevant training. Some carry serious misunderstandings about what cult mind control is; and therefore will misunderstand your struggle. So it pays to be selective as a consumer of professional therapy services.

Past/Present Clients
The Witness organization is not like other churches. Most non-Witnesses really cannot imagine what it is like to be a Witness. The organization has unimaginably extensive rules and monitoring that affect every aspect of life, so there is no privacy and no sense of personal independence. "Independent thought" is considered their greatest "sin".

The organization insists on absolute conformity, and claims to directly represent God; so dissent is not tolerated, and authority is totalitarian. Being a Witness is more like living in China or the former Soviet Union than being a member of a religion as you know it. It was the research of Robert J. Lifton, who was studying--not religions--but totalitarian governments, who first began to illuminate the problem of religious cults around the world, which employ exactly the same tactics as totalitarian governments. His work remains a cornerstone for Cult Recovery Counselors still today. (This may be why many governments are tolerant of cults, to avoid exposing their own control tactics.)

Witnesses often experience unusually dysfunctional lives and an extensive array of personal problems stemming from broken family ties, stunted social development, inner unrest resulting from repressed doubts, inability to defend boundaries, and an extreme, persistent feeling of irrational shame. I can help people impacted by an experience with the Witnesses by revealing in detail the policies and social dynamics in the Witness organization that cause these problems.

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