You are here:
- Home
- Religion/Spirituality
- Jehovah's Witnesses
- Critics of Jehovah`s Witnesses
- disfellowshipping, disassociation, or leave
Critics of Jehovah`s Witnesses/disfellowshipping, disassociation, or leave
Advertisement
Question
Hello Andrew;
My wife and I have been away from congregation for about 6 months now. The Elders and congregation are confused as to why, see how involved we were. I had decided to read whole chapter of Daniel chapter 4 the Gentile Times prophecy and that started all the research.
My wife was baptized when she was about 17 and for me 11.
The Elders keep coming around to try and catch me say or do something wrong against the Watchtower. I told them we mean no disrespect but want our space, he told me if I said stop coming they would intensify visits. Our question is: Can we tell the Watchtower organization that our ecclesiastical law baptism is not lawful and we have right to leave without penalty {losing all our extended family} because we were minors? We read this on another website as possible 3rd option. I just could not verify this anywhere else. Thank you for your time.
Dear James,
What steps you take next with the elders of the local congregation in which you were formerly involved depends on what steps you have already taken. You say you told them you want your space, and they responded suspiciously. Sounds to me like a witchhunt is already underway; so a casual approach may no longer be possible. Please do be careful. I'm sorry you're suffering this experience.
I have no insider knowledge regarding "ecclesiastical law baptism" or the legal response you imply. There may or may not be any hope in that approach for you. If you suspect there is benefit in it, please continue asking others who might know.
What I do know is that legalities have loopholes. If you try to take a legal approach with the local elders, even if it is binding upon them and they comply, they certainly can choose certain loopholes as their response. For example, they can use innuendo and "marking" speech regarding you from the platform, doing everything but mention your name. Legally, they can plausibly deny that they were referring to you, even though it would be very clear to your relatives hearing such comments from the platform that they are to shun you. So I doubt there is much hope in taking a legalistic approach with the elders who visit you.
I favor practical and effective responses where possible, although they are admittedly perhaps in short supply at times. Have you thought of parking a block away and not answering the door when elders come for a visit?
They can disfellowship in absentia if you refuse to meet with them; so agree to meetings, show up sometimes, be pleasant, be conciliatory, admit to some personal failure. Admit that you heard some negative information which made you have doubts, but you know it's "wrong", and you still believe, and want to please Jehovah. (Admit it to the elders this way, but reinforce each other on the real truth when you and your wife are alone.) Do not answer the door at times, do not show up to meetings at times, show yourself to be "weak" in their eyes, and eventually they will get bored and leave you alone; in which case your relationship with your still-Witness relatives would be protected.
I realize this course of action takes time and patience (which you may not have as you're discovering "the other side of the story"), yet it is more likely to preserve your relationships with your still-Witness relatives than other possible actions I am aware of.
I also realize you want to tell the truth; as I do. But keep in mind the Witnesses have a very poor orientation to the truth, as you are already discovering. They think they know all truths that matter; and can't handle parts of the truth that are beyond their finite scope. They really can't. They have built within and among themselves a fragile house of cards that can easily be knocked down, and they always feel insecure as a result. There internalized repressed doubts that most Witnesses always carry with them; and if you trigger them, they will only repress upon themselves and others harder.
So you may have to choose between telling the elders the truth of your current mindset and keeping your relationship with your still-Witness relatives. I believe the truth is very important; but souls are even more important; more than any ideology, concept, or abstraction. Perhaps your relationship with your family is among the most important things that exist in this world. Love is certainly more important than truth. Jehovah may be the God of truth, but he IS Love. By Witness teaching, Love is the only quality which completely personifies God; and I believe there may be a true cosmic message in that concept.
If you find that you do not have the patience, and need to take a stand for what is really true for you (as I did), you should expect to lose your relationships with your still-Witness relatives. I know no way around this, because their mechanisms for terminating, or at least poisoning, relationships are powerful.
I hope this helps.
Best wishes,
AndrewXJW
Related Articles
Andrew
Expertise
I don't object to Witness theology, but rather their use of social pressure & deceptive manipulations to undermine family ties and control minds. (This may seem contradictory to Witnesses, who draw no distinction between spiritual belief and organizational policy.) I do not engage in theological debate. I support persons impacted by an experience with the Witnesses and advocate early education for everyone so that they can protect themselves from cults by understanding what to watch out for. (It's not what most people think.)
(Ex-)Witnesses: I know how upsetting it is to experience doubts (or anger) about your experience. Time does not heal this wound until you first remove the splinter, which takes more time and effort than you may realize. So, unless you have already put in that time and effort, don't be surprised if you are deeply affected long after the experience. But there is good news! You're NOT an enemy of God for doubting or for failing to meet the requirements of a human organization. An organization that lies cannot be the exclusive spokesman for the God of Truth. Tell me where you're at. I'll understand. I can show you how to begin or continue your recovery and make a life for yourself worth living.
Non-Witnesses: Describe your experience with your friend/relative who is (becoming) a Witness. I can help you understand the Witness indoctrination and social dynamics that are affecting him or her. I can help you put your options into perspective. Keep in mind that people do make their own choices (even though they may sometimes do so under outside influence) and you may not be able to affect this person's choices, even though they impact on you. After all, you do not have the arsenal of tactics that a cult does (and wouldn't want to). A few people manage to save their friend/relative, but don't count on it. What you can count on is navigating the maze more successfully by becoming more informed about your own options.
Experience
I was a Witness for 30 years, and a volunteer at their headquarters in Brooklyn, New York, for a year. I have attended meetings with many Witness congregations across the United States, a thorough cross-section, carefully observing patterns of behavior. Although being a Witness was difficult, and I gradually had more and more doubts about Witness teachings--I was a true believer, so I kept trying to make it work somehow. I stopped attending meetings in 1997 only after receiving an answer to a prayer about doing so, and have since been actively involved in recovery. This includes both my own and supporting others in theirs. Recovery can include reading books, communicating with others in recovery, and participating in support groups and/or therapy. It always involves reclaiming one's own mind and discovering the other sides of the issues that you have been blinded to in the past.
My gradual awakening was socially, psychologically, and spiritually tumultuous. I lost everything from my former life. My suffering was substantial.
But I have gained everything, so it was worth it. Only after beginning my recovery did I gain social, psychological, and spiritual healing and growth, peace of mind, and self-respect. Only then did I discover who I am; and--for the first time--the meaning of real brotherly love.
For more resources on this topic, try these web sites:
http://freeminds.org/
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/freedomofmind/
Education/Credentials
Like most Cult Recovery Counselors, I am a cult survivor. I have life experience, not professional training. Also I feel no need to apologize for that. People with professional training cannot understand what it is like to survive a cult unless they have been through it themselves, which few professional therapists have. Understanding what really happened and what works in this unusual social context is as important as psychological training. Most professional therapists are not specifically trained to support cult survivors. Those who are represent a rare and precious resource.
I sometimes refer people to professional therapists regarding deep personal issues. But surviving a cult is a broad experience with other dimensions. Professional therapy can be very helpful as part of your recovery process, assuming that you choose the right therapist. When choosing a therapist, remember that you are the client and they are a service provider. You are the one who holds authority about the relationship. You get to interview the therapist and decide which one to employ.
Be sure to ask what specific training and experience they have around recovery from cult mind control. Most therapists do not have relevant training. Some carry serious misunderstandings about what cult mind control is; and therefore will misunderstand your struggle. So it pays to be selective as a consumer of professional therapy services.
Past/Present Clients
The Witness organization is not like other churches. Most non-Witnesses really cannot imagine what it is like to be a Witness. The organization has unimaginably extensive rules and monitoring that affect every aspect of life, so there is no privacy and no sense of personal independence. "Independent thought" is considered their greatest "sin".
The organization insists on absolute conformity, and claims to directly represent God; so dissent is not tolerated, and authority is totalitarian. Being a Witness is more like living in China or the former Soviet Union than being a member of a religion as you know it. It was the research of Robert J. Lifton, who was studying--not religions--but totalitarian governments, who first began to illuminate the problem of religious cults around the world, which employ exactly the same tactics as totalitarian governments. His work remains a cornerstone for Cult Recovery Counselors still today. (This may be why many governments are tolerant of cults, to avoid exposing their own control tactics.)
Witnesses often experience unusually dysfunctional lives and an extensive array of personal problems stemming from broken family ties, stunted social development, inner unrest resulting from repressed doubts, inability to defend boundaries, and an extreme, persistent feeling of irrational shame. I can help people impacted by an experience with the Witnesses by revealing in detail the policies and social dynamics in the Witness organization that cause these problems.
©2012 About.com, a part of The New York Times Company. All rights reserved.