Expert: Andrew - 1/30/2009

Question
QUESTION: Andrew

I am embattled with my wife over our growing children and the WTS
influence. She is 3rd generation, was temp disfellowshipped when we married
15 years ago, and because I was lost then too, I wasted my chance to witness
about true Christianity to her.

Today, we have 3 boys: 16, 12 and 6. The 16 yr old has always gone to church
with me. He sees the ruse because of our relationship, but my wife is forcing
the JW's on him through "my right to teach him my faith" and sinister bible
studies with KH elders through the guise of "homeschooling classes."

My 16 yr old has been confused, but he is ready to become baptised into
Christianity at my church, which will hopefully end her advances.

My 12-yr old has always been in the WTS, and I am starting to conduct bible
studies with him in hopes he'll somehow recognise the differences, and I may
pull him out before it's too late.

I have always held out hope for my wife, as she stated to me 15 yrs ago that
she was "comfortable" in her faith and would discuss with me the differences
(she wasn't going to the KH much back then), but over the past 5 yrs she's
become ingrained again. Big time pressure from her mother, who flat out told
our 16 yr old not to listen to me at all. Needless to say, I've broken off contact
with her.

I know my job is to tell my family of Jesus' sacrifice and love, and I should
talk to her in love. However she's VERY combatitive when I bring the subject
up (spiritual warfare, I know). The more I research the WTS, the more
concerned I become. Yet I hold out hope.

What specifically would you do in my situation? I know what I have read on
other threads from ex-witnesses, but there is wisdom in seeking counsel
from many.

Will my son being baptised into Christ- and away from the WTS - make her
more determined, or will she finally lay off since he has committed? Thanks

ANSWER: Dear Kelly,

Tell me a little more about yourself. I know all about the Witnesses, but tell me about your parenting style, your church, and how do the boys respond to the experience of attending your church.

I don't think your son being baptized into your church will make her lay off. The son who is being baptized into your church, what is his attitude toward his mother and her religion?

Are you and your wife basically successful in your relationship aside from this one touchy issue, or is a split possibly on the horizon?

With a better perspective on your situation, I might be able to offer something helpful.

Best wishes,
AndrewXJW

---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: We are a house divided in many ways.

Our relationship has been rocky and cold for the better part for years. Our
kids have been torn apart by the differences. We are both stubborn and have,
at times, been very childlike in our behavior. Essentially we should have
separated for good years ago, but neither of us is willing to live apart from
our children, whom each of us loves very much. And we do have our
moments together...

My parenting style is very traditional and straight-forward. I was raised by my
WW 2-era grandfather, as my dad ran off when I was 6. I see things in B & W.
Spare the rod, spoil the child thinking. Although I was raised in one of the
first non-denominational charismatic churches in the region and was
baptized at 13, I quickly fell away from the Lord for many years when I hit
college. It really took what has happened with my JW wife situation to really
lean into the Lord, and for that I guess I can be thankful. I am active in my
local church (a PCA affiliated church, although I don't put much weight into
the affiliation - I look at the manner of worship and the word taught), and
belong to a great men's weekly prayer group that isn't affiliated with that
church. I routinely spend many hours a week in bible study, which has
humbled me in many ways. I have also spent the past 1.5 years trying to
understand the WTS.

When I married her, I didn't realize I was also marrying my mother-in-law.
The influence and control of that woman from 500 miles away made me very
bitter for years. I am trying to overcome that with prayer. She was raised in a
household just like ours - her mother was raised a JW from birth, and her
father was a non-JW (he at the time was agnostic). Her parents divorced
when she was 15.

Our largest problem (for me) is that my wife has never-ever let me discipline
our sons without stepping (literally) in front of me to stop my
rebukes/corrections. Not just spanking - I mean if I tell them to stop doing
something wrong, she will at once start to rebuke me for trying to correct
them, and then turn around and step into the situation. She was NOT like this
when we were first married. Years of this behaviour used to send me through
the roof, sometimes into a frenzy. Counseling about this horrible situation
never went anywhere - I found most counselors to be sponges, just collecting
insurance money and offering no advice or direction that was plausible. Soon
enough I learned not to step in when she is around, and only to act most
times when I'm alone with the kids. For that reason, our kids play us against
each other like a fiddle. Many times now she calls me "no good father"
because I won't do anything about our kids, not realizing she is the reason I
won't act when she's around - it only leads to conflict. My kids act perfectly
fine when she's not around. Not to paint a picture they're monsters - they're
not - but with our 6 yr old we definitely have our moments.

My health is very very poor. At 45, I am facing a pre-mature death. I do not
have the luxury of waiting out the JW influence. It is vital to teach my kids
NOW. I may be here another 5 months or 15 years - only the Lord knows
(diabetes and serious heart problems). This weighs heavily on me at times,
even though the salvation of my wife and kids lies with the Holy Spirit and not
me.

My oldest son feels at home in our church, and he feels "alone" the few times
he's been to the KH. My 12 yr old worries me most. I still hold out hope that
my wife will come around, but I don't know that I'll live to see it. Don't get me
wrong - we have our good times too. But inevitably things go south as our
beliefs clash. Her efforts to convert our 16 yr old have only exacerbated the
problem ten-fold.

My 16 yr old son gets frustrated with her as well. He has wanted to be
baptised now for over a year, but hasn't because of the inevitable conflict
with her. He knows she'll flip. In an effort to appease her (and me), he is
giving in to her demands to have "equal-time" just to keep peace. But the
more he studies with the witnesses, the more he tells me they make good
points. I tell him he's playing with fire and I explain why, usually every day
now. He's becoming tired of the pulls, and at times swears off religion when
he's frustrated.

We have homeschooled our kids (begrudgingly for the eldest) for the past 2.5
years. I opposed this at first. It has its merits. My eldest still longs for High
School, and my wife has considered it lately for the first time. He has no
friends except one from our church, and she fought that tooth and nail. She
has isolated him and is now trying to (deceitfully) pair him up with kids from
the KH is the guise of "Homeschooling." The more I put my foot down on this
activity, the more the resistance I get. The poor kid longs for friends and a
normal teenaged life. She won't let him get a driver's license or date.

I have read much about the mental problems of the rank and file JW's. My wife
is paranoid about the safety of the kids - she has to know where they are
every second and doesn't trust me to watch over them. My kids totally agree.
I strongly believe this is a result of the JW's. Although she clings to them like
they're air itself, she doesn't go into service much, and at times won't attend
the KH for weeks. That gives me reason to hope.

I am certainly no saint, and I am just as much at fault over other things as
she is. But a house divided cannot stand, and we are far from being equally
yoked. Our central issue is the WTS and their influence on our house. I pray
that a split isn't in the cards, and we've screamed the "d-word" at  each other  
for years. But at the end of the day we can't do it. Next day brings another
sunrise. And so the vicious circle continues...

I am fervently seeking the Lord's intercession in our marriage, house, and all
that is in our family. Many people are praying for us. We are in serious
spiritual warfare. This has to come to a resolution sometime.

My question to you was whether you felt the baptism of our son would help
that issue come to a head and she might lay off him and really question what
he was doing and why. I understand you don't think so. I hope you are wrong,
but I agree.

I need advice from someone who has been in your shoes as to what you'd do
if you were me. I will prayerfully consider the wisdom you have to offer.

Thanks.

Answer
Dear Kelly,

Usually the questions I address deal with politics and psychology, which I am adept at navigating; but your situation seems to go beyond that. I pray and search my mind to find something that might apply in your situation. There doesn't seem to be much for me to offer.

One thing that I can think of that might help: Witness children exposed only to the Witness community never experience unconditional love. It can be an eye opener for them to experience what sacred scripture means by the words "God is Love". His love is limitless, carries no conditions, overwhelms all else that stands against it.

Since the Witnesses never experience unconditional love, to find it elsewhere can be an eye-opening experience. It was for me. Perhaps the best way you can help your children find their way out of the Witness labyrinth is to show them absolute love without conditions. Even if you have only a short time left with them, even if they do not abandon the Witnesses immediately to join you in your church; your unconditional love for them will be a remarkable testament that will stay with them for a lifetime.

There is probably little you can do to change your wife, now that this battle has already become entrenched, because as I understand it, successful influence against cult mind control must be subtle, and subtlety is excluded where a long-time battle is already entrenched.

However, you are not necessarily locked in battle with your children; so subtle efforts to open their minds may work for you. Do not mistake this as merely a battle of one religious faith system against another. The Jehovah's Witnesses are a cult because they practice the tactics of cult mind control to overwhelm critical thinking faculties and deprive rank and file members of free choice and destroy families. That is what cults do.

By gaining an understanding of how cult mind control tactics work, you could perhaps patiently and gradually help open your children's minds. Do you have enough time to be patient? I don't know. Even if you only prepare a few choice words to be uttered with your last breath, your gaining that understanding so as to know exactly what to say at the right moment could save their lives.

Assertive steps do not work in the face of guile and manipulation. Trying to teach your children, those who already believe Witness lies, the truth by means of assertive steps would be like trying to hold oil in cupped hands. It slips away elusively. Assertive parenting may work with those who are not yet mentally captive to the Witness lies.

Keep praying, Kelly. Learn about cult mind control tactics, and how you can use truth and subtle open-ended thought-provoking questions to awaken critical thinking faculties. We cannot control the outcome. Letting go of control can be scary; but if we want them to achieve freedom from cult influence, we must let go of control and trust that the children will find their way.

Blessings,
AndrewXJW