You are here:
- Home
- Religion/Spirituality
- Jehovah's Witnesses
- Critics of Jehovah`s Witnesses
- Why Jehovah's Witnesses Act Friendly
Critics of Jehovah`s Witnesses/Why Jehovah's Witnesses Act Friendly
Advertisement
Question
Hello Andrew,
Before I begin, I would like to apologize if you receive this question twice. I posted it on Friday, but didn't received a confirmation email, so I'm not sure it went through.
I'm a Christian(Catholic) who met a JW through work a few months ago (we now don't work at the same place anymore).
I had always been kind of curious about witnesses, didn't know anything about their beliefs (all I knew was that they did a lot of door to door), so one day we started talking about religion and she was so friendly and so open about everything I asked her, that I was really impressed. For instance I told her I had heard a lot of people talk about JW as people belonging to a "cult"...etc., and she didn't seem phased or offended by it at all, or any of my other questions (she did have what seemed to have a prepared answer for a lot of things I asked though) but overall, I was impressed by her openess.
So we started to talk more and more about religion almost every day at lunch time, and I have to say I agreed with her on a lot of things she believed in (overall that God was a good loving God and not this scary person that will send you to hell if you don't behave, like a lot of the Catholic's early teachings show), and loved to get such straigthforward answers to some of the big life questions I had always asked myself(What happens after we die...etc.)
It was very informal at first, but then she started bringing me literature, a bible, and then a book that tells you about what the bible really teaches (along with some literature for my kids).
I have to admit that I found a lot of it interesting to read, and I truly enjoyed learning more about the bible. However, when she left and started working at a different place, she suggested that we kept in touch and studied the bible together ever now and then. She made it sound very casual, never mentionned anything about studying with the goal of me becoming a JW, and since I was relatively new to the area, the thought of a new friend was appealing.
My husband was (still is) a little leary about it all, he told me from the get go that she was just trying to "suck me in", and we kind of joked about it, but I really didn't feel like she was, since she knew of my religion and I never mentioned the desire to change it.
However, now that we've been "studying" the bible together for about a month or two, I'm now feeling that she is slowly trying to "convert" me. She has a prepared answer to every question I have and always finds a scripture to demonstrate that such and such belief I have is wrong. It's like I am not allowed to disagree with her, because she always shows me somewhere in the bible that what she says is right.
It's gotten to the point where I have been finding myself doubting everything I've ever believed in and feeling that I will not be pleasing God if I decide against continuing to study with her...which is why I also feel that I have probably already been somewhat "brainwashed" and think that this needs to stop. But I'm not sure how to bring it up, how to actually tell her I want to stop our "study"...I know that she will ask me "WHY" I want to stop studying and why I don't want to become a JW and that no answer will be good enough. She knows me well at this point and knows I hate confrontations, so I am really dreading this.
I just feel kind of stuck right now. I know that the longer I wait, the harder it will be. And I hate to lose her friendship, even though I have a feeling now that the only reason why she ever befriended me was with the goal if making me become a JW. But I really have NO intention of becoming one.
Any suggestions will be greatly appreciated, as I am really determined to stop before any further damage is done.
Thank you!
Dear Katie,
First, I'd like to congratulate you that you saw through the ruse and now realize that her friendship was conditional and carried a hidden agenda. While Witnesses may APPEAR friendly, it is not for the sake of friendship, but always with the agenda to recruit new members. While they may possibly be sincere in friendship (sans agenda) at times, any sincere friendship is reserved for fellow Witnesses, and never "wasted" on non-Witnesses.
You may have heard that the Witnesses meet together for 5 hours per week. 2 of those 5 hours are spent specifically developing their recruitment techniques (aka false friendliness). They specifically learn to how to smile, how to offer kind greetings, how to pretend to be interested in the personal lives of others, how to cleverly turn casual conversations into preaching opportunities, how to use personal tragedies of others as an opportunity to recruit, and so on. This is how they spend their 2-hour meeting every Thursday night, typically.
I agree that the first stages of insidious cult mind control tactics may already have begin to influence you; and urge you to get yourself free (or begin actively studying cult mind control tactics) immediately so as to protect yourself from further unconscious influence.
One way to terminate your "bible study" with the Witness woman is to simply call her and tell her that you're not interested in continuing, and that she should not come over to your house anymore.
Don't worry about losing her friendship; as her friendship was never genuine to begin with. Cultivate friendships with people who have no agenda besides liking you as a person. It is not necessary to state a reason why you wish to cancel. If you are intimidated by her, try calling when you expect her not to be at home, and leave a message on her answering machine.
To further avoid confrontation and uncomfortable interrogatives, try screening your calls for a few weeks. Simply don't pick up the phone or answer the door when she calls. While this may not be the typical good manners you might prefer to practice, consider the consequences. Is it not worth some "bad" manners for a few weeks to protect yourself from being unconsciously influenced by cult mind control, causing permanent damage to your family relations, spiritual life, and freedom of mind?
Another approach would be to overwhelm her spiritual sensibilities by displaying heretical symbols in your home when she visits. You may or may not be comfortable with this, but it is an option if you are able to find symbols that offend her but do not offend you. If she discovers that you are involved in something the Witnesses find heretical, and determined to persist in it, she will eventually give up on you.
Another approach would be to research cult mind control tactics and/or the more controversial aspects of Witness history; and ask her, in a mild-mannered way, open-ended but eye-opening questions that will put her on the defensive, just as she has put you on the defensive. You will have to research your topics well in order to do this effectively. But again, as soon as she sees you are determined to persist in this, she will give up on you and leave you alone. One source of material for this kind of effort might be http://freeminds.org/
Most of all, please overcome the false belief that you owe her an explanation. You do not. Your decisions are yours to make. Please let me know if there are any further specific questions I can help with.
May you have abundant success preserving your family integrity and freedom of mind.
Best wishes,
AndrewXJW
Related Articles
- Escape from the Watchtower Society: Are the Jehovah’s Witnesses a Cult?
- UCMJ - Article 134 - (Testify: wrongful refusal)
- The Fact-gathering Interview - Being a Paralegal
- Debating Jehovah's Witnesses: 10 Things You Don't Know About Jehovah's Witnesses
- Jehovah's Witnesses - World Religions
Andrew
Expertise
I don't object to Witness theology, but rather their use of social pressure & deceptive manipulations to undermine family ties and control minds. (This may seem contradictory to Witnesses, who draw no distinction between spiritual belief and organizational policy.) I do not engage in theological debate. I support persons impacted by an experience with the Witnesses and advocate early education for everyone so that they can protect themselves from cults by understanding what to watch out for. (It's not what most people think.)
(Ex-)Witnesses: I know how upsetting it is to experience doubts (or anger) about your experience. Time does not heal this wound until you first remove the splinter, which takes more time and effort than you may realize. So, unless you have already put in that time and effort, don't be surprised if you are deeply affected long after the experience. But there is good news! You're NOT an enemy of God for doubting or for failing to meet the requirements of a human organization. An organization that lies cannot be the exclusive spokesman for the God of Truth. Tell me where you're at. I'll understand. I can show you how to begin or continue your recovery and make a life for yourself worth living.
Non-Witnesses: Describe your experience with your friend/relative who is (becoming) a Witness. I can help you understand the Witness indoctrination and social dynamics that are affecting him or her. I can help you put your options into perspective. Keep in mind that people do make their own choices (even though they may sometimes do so under outside influence) and you may not be able to affect this person's choices, even though they impact on you. After all, you do not have the arsenal of tactics that a cult does (and wouldn't want to). A few people manage to save their friend/relative, but don't count on it. What you can count on is navigating the maze more successfully by becoming more informed about your own options.
Experience
I was a Witness for 30 years, and a volunteer at their headquarters in Brooklyn, New York, for a year. I have attended meetings with many Witness congregations across the United States, a thorough cross-section, carefully observing patterns of behavior. Although being a Witness was difficult, and I gradually had more and more doubts about Witness teachings--I was a true believer, so I kept trying to make it work somehow. I stopped attending meetings in 1997 only after receiving an answer to a prayer about doing so, and have since been actively involved in recovery. This includes both my own and supporting others in theirs. Recovery can include reading books, communicating with others in recovery, and participating in support groups and/or therapy. It always involves reclaiming one's own mind and discovering the other sides of the issues that you have been blinded to in the past.
My gradual awakening was socially, psychologically, and spiritually tumultuous. I lost everything from my former life. My suffering was substantial.
But I have gained everything, so it was worth it. Only after beginning my recovery did I gain social, psychological, and spiritual healing and growth, peace of mind, and self-respect. Only then did I discover who I am; and--for the first time--the meaning of real brotherly love.
For more resources on this topic, try these web sites:
http://freeminds.org/
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/freedomofmind/
Education/Credentials
Like most Cult Recovery Counselors, I am a cult survivor. I have life experience, not professional training. Also I feel no need to apologize for that. People with professional training cannot understand what it is like to survive a cult unless they have been through it themselves, which few professional therapists have. Understanding what really happened and what works in this unusual social context is as important as psychological training. Most professional therapists are not specifically trained to support cult survivors. Those who are represent a rare and precious resource.
I sometimes refer people to professional therapists regarding deep personal issues. But surviving a cult is a broad experience with other dimensions. Professional therapy can be very helpful as part of your recovery process, assuming that you choose the right therapist. When choosing a therapist, remember that you are the client and they are a service provider. You are the one who holds authority about the relationship. You get to interview the therapist and decide which one to employ.
Be sure to ask what specific training and experience they have around recovery from cult mind control. Most therapists do not have relevant training. Some carry serious misunderstandings about what cult mind control is; and therefore will misunderstand your struggle. So it pays to be selective as a consumer of professional therapy services.
Past/Present Clients
The Witness organization is not like other churches. Most non-Witnesses really cannot imagine what it is like to be a Witness. The organization has unimaginably extensive rules and monitoring that affect every aspect of life, so there is no privacy and no sense of personal independence. "Independent thought" is considered their greatest "sin".
The organization insists on absolute conformity, and claims to directly represent God; so dissent is not tolerated, and authority is totalitarian. Being a Witness is more like living in China or the former Soviet Union than being a member of a religion as you know it. It was the research of Robert J. Lifton, who was studying--not religions--but totalitarian governments, who first began to illuminate the problem of religious cults around the world, which employ exactly the same tactics as totalitarian governments. His work remains a cornerstone for Cult Recovery Counselors still today. (This may be why many governments are tolerant of cults, to avoid exposing their own control tactics.)
Witnesses often experience unusually dysfunctional lives and an extensive array of personal problems stemming from broken family ties, stunted social development, inner unrest resulting from repressed doubts, inability to defend boundaries, and an extreme, persistent feeling of irrational shame. I can help people impacted by an experience with the Witnesses by revealing in detail the policies and social dynamics in the Witness organization that cause these problems.
©2012 About.com, a part of The New York Times Company. All rights reserved.