Expert: Andrew - 10/10/2009

Question
QUESTION: Hi,

I am a non-witness and began dating a witness a few months ago.  From the beginning he told me he questioned himself continuing to be a witness as he felt he was a hypocrite in terms of the way he was living his life (mainly pre-marital relations).  He stopped going to meetings for a while and then started going again because he said he missed it.  Now he has been disfellowshipped but is still thinking he will continue to go to meetings.  I am really confused.  From the beginning I have felt that we had a very strong connection and I know that he really cares for me. He tells me how strongly he feels for me and how he didn't expect me to feel the same way.  He says he doesn't feel like himself when I'm not with him - he isn't as happy of a person, etc.  I just don't know what to do - I want to be there to support him but I need to protect myself as well.  My friends think that he is going to remain a witness and I should protect myself but it is important to me to support him as well.  When he was disfellowshipped he called me and told me I was the first person he called and he wanted to talk to me about it - he was very emotional etc. but I really didnt know what to say?

I would really appreciate an insight you could offer.

ANSWER: Dear Beth,

It is very typical for Witnesses to talk one way and walk another. Your account seems to indicate that he is not walking his talk. He said he questioned himself being a Witness, implying that he would leave the Witnesses, but his actions indicate the opposite. His actions in this case appear to speak louder than his words, don't they?

To me it's understandable that he felt unresolved, in a quandary, about his religious life, because he pursued an intimate relationship with a non-Witness and took you to bed. Both those things are "severe" violations of Witness law. This is the most common reason for expulsion. Tens of thousands of Witnesses are expelled every year.

His having broken their law in "severe" ways would naturally make him wonder about whether he could remain a Witness. However, his choice to continue trying to make it work after he was expelled makes it clear that he does indeed choose to try, despite the odds.

He is nowhere near beginning the path to recovery; and even after beginning, he would have many years of hard work ahead of him in order to complete recovery. A very small percentage of former Witnesses ever pursue their recovery to completion.

So even if he were to have stated (not just implied) he was leaving, that doesn't mean he would have. Even if he were to have left, that doesn't mean he would have begun recovery. Even if he were to have begun recovery, that doesn't mean he would have completed it. Unless he completed his recovery after many years of concerted effort, there's no way the two of you could have had anything resembling what you might consider a "normal" life together.

Is it possible that wishful thinking came into play on your part? When he implied he was going to leave, perhaps you thought you had it made, not knowing how great the obstacles ahead still were despite that hope.

I think your friends are right, and you should protect yourself. He has many years of work ahead before he will be ready for a healthy relationship. Even if you were to decide to sacrifice your health and happiness to support him now, that would set the stage for what kind of relationship? For how long? IMHO, the prospects are not good for beginning a relationship under these circumstances. If you continue a relationship, you are in for many years of drama as he begins his recovery (and even more drama if he does not).

If you decide to break it off, I suggest making a firm stand, so that he knows you cannot live with an unrecovered Witness. If he sees that you are firm, he may decide to begin recovery. That is the best gift you could offer him. If you decide to continue the relationship, be prepared for the likelihood that you will always have a distorted, divided household; or that your decision will eventually be eroded and you will become a Witness too.

Blessings,
AndrewXJW

---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: Andrew,

Thank you so much for your quick response and insight.  It is greatly appreciated.

Yes, I think you are right I did think "I had it made."  I truly had no understanding of what it means to be a JW and how difficult it would be to stop.  Would you have any suggestions for me in terms of keeping myself guarded, yet encouraging/supporting him if he does indeed decide to stop being a JW?  He has asked me my opinion several times and I really wont comment beyond saying I think religion is very personal and I don't think I should share my opinions on it because he needs to decide for himself.  I say this, out of fear that if I did share my HO and he stopped going that it would be something he could resent me for in the future.  I would however like him to know that I think he is being really brave, etc.  Thanks again!

Answer
Dear Beth,

I'm so sorry you got in so deep without knowing what was involved. Witnesses should have "danger" signs on their foreheads to warn the unsuspecting; but instead they are conditioned to seduce and extensively trained in manipulating the perceptions of others. Your partner probably did not manipulate your perceptions intentionally, rather he probably did it unconsciously, as that is how the habit normally expresses itself. But you deserve honesty, something he can't give you, any more than he can give it to himself.

I don't know how anyone can keep themselves guarded yet remain in an intimate relationship. I suggest, if you see the value in guarding yourself, that you consider ending the relationship.

In order to effectively encourage/support him to begin recovery from his Witness experience, you would have to do some study about what to say and what not to say. "Releasing the Bonds" by Steven Hassan is a great resource toward that end. Beware that it's very easy to say the wrong thing and make the situation worse, that is, cause him to raise his mental defenses; and it's impossible to know what's the wrong thing to say without reading the book or doing an equivalent amount of research. If you shift away from your policy of not giving your opinion, you enter a new danger zone; so read the book before you speak up, especially if you plan to remain in the relationship.

I agree with you that one's spiritual path is very personal, and each person has to decide for himself; but besides manipulating the spiritual path of others, the Witnesses also practice extensive social and mental controls. These things do not deserve the same tolerance and respect that spiritual discovery deserves.

You're right that if you influence him to disconnect from the Witnesses, he might resent you later. It has to be a decision he comes to on his own. The book I suggested will give you ideas on how to stimulate his thinking process so that perhaps he would eventually come to that decision on his own.

It does take a brave heart to face difficult challenges and face one's fears; and it would take exactly that of your man to begin recovery from his Witness experience. However, where the challenge is obfuscated, the enemy is unknown, how does one rise to the challenge? He may think he is being brave to put up with orchestrated shaming by continuing to attend meetings now that he is expelled, but really he is just playing into their manipulation more deeply than ever. Because the deception of the Witnesses is his real enemy; and he may not know that yet. Bravery would mean facing a simple truth which he may have never faced before: The Witnesses do not speak for God after all.

The fundamental reason they prohibit intimate relations with non-Witnesses is because such a relationship can divide the loyalties of persons like your partner. They want to be able to control him fully. Even though most churches consider it normal, the Witnesses aren't used to sharing loyalties. All cults demand exclusive and unconditional loyalty so that they can control members fully. This is not a spiritual path that deserves tolerance and respect of the kind written into the US Constitution.

Cults deserve to be suppressed because they actually impair freedom of spiritual discovery, and additionally impair freedom of mind and erode family relationships which stabilize lives.

Blessings,
AndrewXJW