Expert: Andrew - 11/3/2009

Question
QUESTION: I have been with my partner almost 1 yr not till 3wks into r relationship did he tell me that he is a J.W. Only told me because Xmas was coming and didn't want to feel involved init. I had already fallen for him at this time and we had had intercourse etc, I'm not religious in anyway shape of form and he has told me he cannot attend meeting because he has already broken the rules I.e intercouse with me! He is talking about marriage and commitment which is all i want he tell's me he love's me but hasn't explained much about a J.W. I want to know if this relationship could work as i don't want to become a witness and what would the marriage side of thing's involve as in if we were to get married! As after marriage he said he is definitely going to go back to being a true witness where would this leave me!

ANSWER: Dear Marie,

You haven't given me much specific information about your case so that I could zoom in and respond in a way that might specifically apply to you; so my answer can only be general.

I think it's important for anyone entering marriage to be crystal clear about your expectations of the other, and the likelihood of the other to meet your expectations, and your partner's expectations of you, and your willingness/interest in meeting his expectations. That crystal clarity is likely to be extra challenging for you, because Witness culture is nothing like mainstream culture; and their mental, emotional, social, and spiritual life is nothing like mainstream life.

So, although you might be able to somewhat safely take certain things for granted about a partner who was from the same background as you, you cannot take those things for granted about someone from a different subculture; and that either (1) creates huge blind spots that can explode into crisis later in life, or (2) requires you to examine the situation more meticulously than you may be able to, in order to avoid those blind spots.

I would be very concerned about honesty in this particular relationship. Consider as an example the fact that he did not tell you about this incredibly pivotal fact at the outset, that he is a Witness, and plans to resume his life as a Witness. Wow. If he kept that a secret for so long, what else is he dishonest with you about? From experience I would suggest that Witnesses are dishonest about too many things, not only with others, but even worse, with themselves. Can people who have pulled the wool over their own eyes be expected not to pull the wool over yours?

Generally speaking, a marriage between a Witness and a non-Witness is pretty well doomed from the start. The odds against marriage in the current social climate are bad enough if you do it right; but the odds of success and happiness in a situation like yours are not good.

You have invested only one year of your life. Walking away now might feel like tearing off a scab; but if you wait another ten years, it will probably feel more like amputating a limb; yet it is very unlikely you will have a successful relationship with this man ten years from now, unless you join him in becoming a Witness (and can that even be called "success"?)

You deserve success, happiness, and a serene life. I don't believe this relationship can offer you that. My two cents worth, based on very little information, so it may or may not apply well to you.

Blessings,
AndrewXJW

---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: He doesn't tell me alot about J.W all he said is that he want's to marry me and go back to the kingdon hall after to become a true J.W. To be honest i have no idea what a J.W is all about and what could happen after marriage whether he will feel like he own's me and try's to get me to go to meeting with him or what happen's! He know's i will never become a witness and seem's happy with that! He can be a really nice loving guy sometime's insensative tho! I asked him what would marriage do do i have to go into ur religion and he say's no never a good enough answer to me alway's seem's like hard work to communicate with him and get straight answer's! I don't want to get involved in any religious thing's as that's just not me! When he spoke about marriage he said that i am the right person for him and he has never preached to me! I have 3 children from my ex partner so he know's i will alway's celebrate xmas, birthday's etc! I do find him very controlling i.e kids have to eat at table have to be in bed certain time's like's thing's all done his way or noway, If we have an issue to do with mainly my kid's as i feel he doesn't live with me and i feel he has no right's just yet to be setting rule's within my household just yet he will blame thing's or turn thing's around on me if an issue arise's! I just need to know more about the J.W marriage side of thing's he does say that we can't get married in a church but i wouldn't marry him untill i know what it;s about! I have searched many site's and don't get the answer's i'm looking for! His parent's disagree with him being a J.W as none of his family member's are J.W he only became one at the age of 21 after losing his twin brother he is 36 now!

Answer
Dear Marie,

> To be honest i have no idea what a J.W is all about

Some of us hold the position that they are destructive religious cult because they actively practice cult mind control, depriving people of freedom of mind; and actively undermine family relationships to increase dependence on the organization and thereby making it easier for the organization to control members. My column is about how the Witnesses practice these things, and how people can reduce or cope with the impacts.

> whether he will feel like he own's me and try's to
> get me to go to meeting with him

Since you indicated he plans to resume his life as a Witness, and a key aspect of their practice and training is to coerce people to become Witnesses "for their own good", he will very likely try to coerce you to become a Witness. Many non-Witnesses who said "I will never become a Witness" and then married a Witness eventually become Witnesses, because they know how to wear down your resolve.

Will he feel like he owns you? In a sense, marriage partners do own each other. In a sense, this is an innate aspect of marriage, is it not? Although what it means to "own someone" is open to widely varying interpretation, and great damage is sometimes done to relationships where there is no agreement about what this means in the context of a healthy relationship. Whether his view of this concept matches yours is one of many areas I was referring to in regard to gaining crystal clarity about expectations before you get too involved.

> he knows I will never become a Witness and seems happy with that.

That is a thin facade. He may pretend to be happy with it because he knows he cannot force you; but just under the surface, if he is anything like most Witnesses, he is planning to coerce you to become a Witness and believes that is for your own good, because otherwise you will die in the near future at Armageddon.

> He can be a really nice loving guy

And this is part of the reason you appreciate him, no doubt. I grant you, he probably has some good qualities. Nobody is "all bad". However, is the benefit worth the cost?

> I asked him what would marriage do do i have to go
> into ur religion and he say's no never a good enough
> answer to me alway's seem's like hard work to
> communicate with him and get straight answer's!...
> he will blame thing's or turn thing's around on me if
> an issue arise's!

If he is like most cult members, your man will always "turn things around on you". He isn't capable of giving YOU straight answers because he isn't capable of giving HIMSELF straight answers. Cult mind control undermines critical thinking faculties. This means he is not able to follow a straight line of logic within his own mind; conditioning from the organization has intentionally hobbled this capacity. Instead, he has learned to consider a convoluted line of logic normal and acceptable. This is what it takes for an organization to control a person against his will. This is the nature of cult mind control.

> I don't want to get involved in any religious thing's
> as that's just not me!

Good for you. However, even though you have made this decision now, if you marry him, you are accepting a significant risk that your decision will be eroded over time. In other words, being around him long enough, you may change your mind even though you are sure you wouldn't want to now. This very thing has happened to many people in your situation.

> I just need to know more about the J.W marriage side of thing's

Feel free to ask any specific questions. There are lots of networking resources on the Internet so you can ask other people who have been in your situation. You might want to consider reading the book "Crisis of Conscience" by Raymond Franz, for an insider view on what the J.W.'s are about. For more information: http://www.freeminds.org/sales/most_burned.htm

> I have searched many site's and don't get the answer's i'm
> looking for!

Feel free to ask me any specific questions.

> His parent's disagree with him being a J.W as none of his
> family member's are J.W he only became one at the age of 21
> after losing his twin brother he is 36 now!

Well that's a good sign. If he were to ever decide to begin a recovery program, it would take less time because he did not grow up with it, and he would have fewer social obstacles since his family were never Witnesses. However, he will never begin a recovery program unless he himself decides to. You can't make that decision for him; he can only decide for himself.

And if you decide you want to help influence him to make the right decision, that is a very difficult thing to do, and very easy to make matters worse. So I suggest do your homework before you start trying to influence him.

Best wishes,
AndrewXJW