Expert: Andrew - 11/24/2009

Question
Andrew -

Thank you so much for taking the time to read through this.

I've been dating a guy for a few months now, who I'm falling in love with. Our biggest difference and only problem to date, has surfaced: religious beliefs.

Things to know about my boyfriend:
He was raised a JW but hasn't "practiced" in about 8 years. He was never baptized, just raised with it - turns out, same difference. Before I came along, he was married to another JW (his high school sweetheart) who eventually had an affair with another married man. Needless to say, it was a nasty divorce and he remained single for a few years after that. I am the first person he has dated since his divorce, the first non-JW he has dated, and also the 2nd person he has dated, in his life. He is 34. I also want to mention that he lives 2 hours from his parents who are still practicing JW's and they seem to visit him often. He has said he isn't comfortable talking with them about his personal life (dating a non-JW for example) but they seem to be fairly close outside of that.

Things to know about me:
I was raised without religion. I attended public school through college, earned a Bachelor's Degree, I  voted in the last two presidential elections and I support gay rights! I am by no means a die-hard liberal hippie, but I know where I stand on most political issues and strongly disagree with organized religion. My parents raised me celebrating holidays, having birthday parties, playing team sports, girl scouts, etc. Holidays are about tradition, family and fun for me - not religion. Some of my favorite memories have revolved around these things and I really can't imagine my life without them.

One of my major concerns here is that my boyfriend really seems to have downplayed how important of a role this religion plays in his life, even though he isn't an active member.  He also doesn't seem sure about where he stands on many of the beliefs and the things he feels so strongly about, he can't explain. I can only assume this is a direct result of the JW religion he was raised with. I've done a lot of researching online and what I've learned so far actually scares me. We have sex, he's dating a non-JW, he drinks occasionally, etc. I don't know everything about the religion, but I do know that all of those things are big no-no's! How can he be okay with dating someone outside of his religion but have a horrible pit in his stomach at the thought of celebrating his very own birthday? I honestly feel sad for him. So, I recently asked him how much he would be willing to participate in things like my birthday and eating dinner with my family on Thanksgiving. He responded by saying that it would feel "wrong" to him and uncomfortable. It's possible I'm being selfish in saying this, but it would really hurt my feelings if he never wanted to be a part of some of the things I love. His biggest argument is that he's not asking me to change, so why would I ask him to change.

As of right now, I do not see a realistic solution for this problem. I only see stronger feelings, disappointment and then hurt feelings. He wants to "ride it out" and "see what happens". This is not a solution, in my opinion. My brain is officially on overload and I have no idea how to proceed in this situation. I've been so happy with him. We have such a strong connection and everything is perfect, except for this HUGE difference. I can't stand the thought of ending my relationship with him when nothing has actually gone wrong yet. I'm just very worried about the future.

I've never experienced anything like this and it's very confusing and stressful - any insight will be greatly appreciated!  

Answer
Dear Rebecca,

I'm so sorry for your conflict and turmoil about this relationship.

> he drinks occasionally...all of those things are big no-no's!

The Witnesses don't have a problem with drinking in moderation; only drunkenness.

> have a horrible pit in his stomach at the thought
> of celebrating his very own birthday?...my birthday
> and eating dinner with my family on Thanksgiving. He
> responded by saying that it would feel "wrong" to him
> and uncomfortable.

This is a pretty clear sign that he is an unrecovered former Witness. You can take the boy out of the Kingdom Hall fairly easily; but you cannot take the Kingdom Hall out of the boy without years of sustained effort. Most former Witnesses never pursue the sustained determined effort that is needed to recover from their past experience; and therefore take it with them for the rest of their lives. You should therefore consider him in many ways still a Witness, even though he does not attend their services. He may think he is over it, but he is not, and may have no idea how far he has to go in order to get over it. Yet regardless of his lack of awareness of the road ahead that he would have to travel in order to recover, his condition will dramatically impact your relationship; almost as much as if he were still a Witness. You cannot hope for a semblance of a normal life with such a person, I'm sorry. He could begin an active recovery program, but most former Witnesses just don't see the need to do so, and live out the rest of their days in a relative state of listless despair.

> It's possible I'm being selfish in saying this,
> but it would really hurt my feelings if he never
> wanted to be a part of some of the things I love.

I don't think you're being selfish. You have natural and understandable desires that he cannot meet, and perhaps never will be able to. The ultimate reason all cults require their members to abandon mainstream traditions is to cause those members to disconnect from people outside the cult, and become more socially dependent on fellow cult members. This reinforces the bond between cult members, and makes members easier for cult leadership to control. It is a horrible social environment, and reprehensible sociological manipulation; and you are facing the fall out. You did nothing to deserve this.

> His biggest argument is that he's not asking me to
> change, so why would I ask him to change.

He may identify with the latent unrecovered Witness values and behaviors that he still carries with him, but those values and behaviors are not who he really is. Anytime someone is influenced by forces outside themselves, and has not fully examined those influences, and has not understood the true agenda of the agent of influence, and instead imagines that inherited ideas are actually original ideas, has lost himself. You should not ask him to change who he really is; but Witness values and behaviors are not who he really is. Cult researchers use the term "cult pseudo-personality" to describe the artificial personality that cult members (and in this case an unrecovered former cult member) wear like a mask. You will not even know who he is until he takes off that mask and leaves it off, which will require years of sustained effort in an active recovery program, which he appears unlikely to even begin.

You should ask him to change, because this is not who he is. He should not ask you to change because you are not wearing a cult pseudo-personality. Compare apples to apples. His argument is invalid.

> As of right now, I do not see a realistic solution
> for this problem. I only see stronger feelings,
> disappointment and then hurt feelings.

So do I.

> He wants to "ride it out" and "see what happens". This
> is not a solution, in my opinion. My brain is officially
> on overload and I have no idea how to proceed in this
> situation....nothing has actually gone wrong yet. I'm
> just very worried about the future.

Trust your gut. It is a protection from cult influence. It is an internal early warning system that something is amiss. It may be that the classic signals of what might go wrong are missing, but are you sure nothing has gone wrong already? If you trust your gut, I think you'll agree that something is terribly wrong already.

> I've been so happy with him. We have such a strong
> connection and everything is perfect, except for this
> HUGE difference.

I'm so sorry for your struggle. You are right to be concerned. I am glad you have been happy for awhile. My suggestion is to consider counting your blessings, focusing on the happiness that you have had together, and continue to choose the path that will lead to more happiness.

I just hate giving bad news to good people. As far as I can tell, that path will not include your boyfriend unless you are ready to exercise huge patience, and he is committed to major effort in pursuing his own recovery from his past Witness experience.

To ask him to begin such a recovery may be like asking him to choose between you and his family. That would be a hard choice for him; and even if he decides to pursue recovery in order to keep you, would his heart be in it enough to really make any progress in his recovery?

Blessings,
AndrewXJW