Expert: Andrew - 11/11/2009

Question
Thanks for taking the time to read this. For the past 14months I have been dating and having a sexual relationship with a non-practicing Witness (he has not attended meetings for nearly 2 years)I am Catholic, but believe we serve God in many ways, not just by attending Mass. His beliefs run deep and unquestioned, being the youngest of two brothers, the son of a father who due to illness remained dependant on his mother, himself and his brother. His mother was a Baptist until he turned six then became a Witness. My argument being if she had not done so he may well be a Baptist, and I suspect that she was looking for somewhere or something to belong to. None of his pre marriage family were Witnesses, apart from his mum. As a single mother of 3, 4 the last 16yrs, this was the first relationship I have entered into. From the beginning I was honest and upfront about what I wanted from a relationship. It was by sheer fluke that I discovered he was a Witness. Given public opinion about being a Witness, I can sort of understand why he was not upfront about it, but as time has marched on I am beginning to feel like a dirty little secret. His youngest is not a Witness, his eldest is and his second child is soon to be baptized as a Witness. He has said that he is going to go to the elders and disclose our relationship which will lead to him being disfellowshiped, but wants to wait until after his son is baptized so as he can attend. My concern is that he is doing this out of guilt, as we have discussed the possibilitiy he may be able to return to meetings and be reinstated as a Witness if we were to marry in the future. After 14months I have met only one of his children, as he does not want to put them in a position where they will have to go to the elders and disclose our relationship. He has proposed marriage and I have stated that he needs to ask me again in 2 years as I need to be sure that he is marrying me for me and not to "make right" our sexual relationship or appease his guilt for having a S/R out of marriage. He leads a double life, with none of his "worldly" friends or peers aware of his Witness background, a double standard of which on one hand I cannot understand, (be true to what you truly believe) yet on the other side of the coin, I can understand given his upbringing and childhood experiences as a child of a Witness and then as a teenage Witness having to go door to door and Witness. My children are aware of his beliefs and don't pass judgement as they see that he is kind, respectful and to date have made me very happy. I  on the other hand am beginning to harbour resentment against his family for not even taking the time to meet me but basing their non-association on the fact that I am sleeping with their father out of marriage, and a non-witness. I now Q that if we were to marry would that change. Never taking into consideration that their father is happy and inlove. In writing this I seem to be answering my own concerns. He sais that even if he was disfellowshiped he could still maintain a relationship with his children and brother, but from what I've read this may not be the case. Does this differ depending on what country you live in? I am in Australia. I don't want him to regret his decision down the track, and do not want to be part of a reason why he can no longer have a relationship with his family. If this is the case i will end our relationship.
                                         Take Care Jo

Answer
Dear Jo,

Thank you for making your question open to the public so that others can benefit from your experience.

> From the beginning I was honest and upfront about what I wanted
> from a relationship. It was by sheer fluke that I discovered he
> was a Witness.

Sounds like he was not very honest about himself. Not a great way to start a relationship, right?

> Given public opinion about being a Witness, I can sort of
> understand why he was not upfront about it

I don't doubt that some Witnesses are sensitive to the fact that there is a prevailing negative sentiment toward Witnesses in the general population. However, I tend to think this is a legitimate reason for Witnesses to RECONSIDER their career as a Witness, not a legitimate reason to hide that career.

> but as time has marched on I am beginning to feel like a
> dirty little secret....He has said that he is going to go
> to the elders and disclose our relationship which will lead
> to him being disfellowshiped, but wants to wait until after
> his son is baptized so as he can attend.

Yes, I understand.

> My concern is that he is doing this out of guilt, as we have
> discussed the possibilitiy he may be able to return to meetings
> and be reinstated as a Witness if we were to marry in the
> future.

I can only speculate about his motivations. Have you asked him why he feels the need to go to the elders to "disclose our relationship"? What he says in response to that question might offer an important clue which would help me draw conclusions on whether his motivations are typical based on what I know of Witness behavior.

> After 14months I have met only one of his children, as he does
> not want to put them in a position where they will have to go to
> the elders and disclose our relationship. He has proposed marriage
> and I have stated that he needs to ask me again in 2 years as I
> need to be sure that he is marrying me for me and not to "make
> right" our sexual relationship or appease his guilt for having a
> S/R out of marriage.

I can understand why you would feel the need to make such a boundary.

> He leads a double life, with none of his "worldly" friends or
> peers aware of his Witness background, a double standard of which
> on one hand I cannot understand, (be true to what you truly believe)
> yet on the other side of the coin, I can understand given his
> upbringing and childhood experiences as a child of a Witness and
> then as a teenage Witness having to go door to door and Witness.

Leading a double life is very common among Witnesses. Yes, ideally, people should be true to whatever they believe; but in the case of Witnesses, they are squeezed so tightly into a mold that requires absolute conformity that even those who highly value their own personal integrity often find that the requirements are unsustainable.

Human nature must express itself; and cannot be re-engineered in absolute terms, as the Witnesses attempt to do. Extremely high standards result in even very honorable people labelling themselves as bad, enemies of God, liable to death, for ordinary behaviors. Shame is the primary manipulative tool of cults. They make every member feel ashamed, and use that feeling of shame to control ever more tightly. No one is made to feel more shame than expelled Witnesses trying to make a come-back. If you think he is being controlled unduly now, just wait and see how much he will be under their thumb then.

> My children are aware of his beliefs and don't pass judgement
> as they see that he is kind, respectful and to date have made me
> very happy. I on the other hand am beginning to harbour resentment
> against his family for not even taking the time to meet me but
> basing their non-association on the fact that I am sleeping with
> their father out of marriage, and a non-witness.

Your assessment appears to be very consistent with what I know of Witness behavior. You are right that knowing you as a person is less important to them than knowing that you are a non-Witness. Their strict sexual morality code does not allow for any sexual relations outside of marriage whatsoever. Expulsion and shunning occurs in tens of thousands of cases per year, and the number one, most common reason is sexual relations outside of marriage.

> I now Q that if we were to marry would that change. Never taking
> into consideration that their father is happy and inlove. In writing
> this I seem to be answering my own concerns.

Yes, I see that. You are right that whether a relative is happy and in love is of little consequence in the Witness mind, compared to whether one is precisely following the Witness "talmud".

> He sais that even if he was disfellowshiped he could still maintain
> a relationship with his children and brother, but from what I've read
> this may not be the case. Does this differ depending on what country
> you live in? I am in Australia.

No it does not differ from one country to another. Witnesses are remarkably uniform in their behaviors from one country to another. As I understand it, the central factor is whether your partner's Witness relatives live in the same house with him. If they do, and he gets expelled, then he can maintain contact with them except for sharing in household spiritual activities such as prayer and bible study.

If they do not live in the same house, they will be expected to shun him just like any other member of the local congregation except where it is necessary to communicate about family business, such as health care or groceries, should he need such support.

> I don't want him to regret his decision down the track

Have you suggested to him the possibility of not "confessing" at all? Even if you suggest it, his mental conditioning (if he is like most Witnesses) will not allow him to avoid such confession. Cult mind control has very pervasive influence over the psyche of cult members. He probably believes he is an enemy of God for having a sexual relationship with you without converting and marrying you first; and in order to recover from that condition, he probably believes that he has to confess in order to move on and redeem himself. He may not have any idea how difficult the road ahead is, however.

> I do not want to be part of a reason why he can no longer have
> a relationship with his family. If this is the case i will end
> our relationship.

Whether you continue your relationship with him or not, if he feels the need to confess, he will do so. If it is not about a current relationship, he may still feel the need to confess about a past relationship, even after you break it off. It will be only slightly easier for him if it appears to the elders that he broke it off with you in a mindset of "repentance".

Expulsion and shunning are indeed an ugly matter. Terminating family relationships is one of the two primary sins committed by all religious cults, and explains why cults are so badly thought of in mainstream culture. That bad reputation is well earned. Any organization which influences individuals to cut off their relationship with their own flesh and blood is reprehensible, corrupt, and working contrary to the way of love and light.

You are right to be concerned about the course of the relationship. You are right to be concerned about your partner's relationship with his family. That relationship will have dramatic effects on your future together. If he is thoroughly conditioned as most Witnesses are, there is little or nothing you can do to prevent his expulsion and shunning by his relatives. Ending the relationship will probably not improve his relationship prospects with his relatives; but it will save you from having to endure the continuing saga; and it will protect your children from being influenced by a dangerous religious cult.

I think you perhaps answered your own questions as you were writing. Please feel free to contact me again if you have any specific questions.

Blessings,
AndrewXJW