Expert: Andrew - 3/21/2009

Question
I was born into a Strict second generation Jehovahs witness family and was
raised as such. THis includes only befriending and spending time with those
in the congregation. So I grew up very close to cousins and friends who were
jehovahs witnesses we were all best friends closer than most freindships are
since we exclusively could spend time with only eachother. I was a very
strong believer growing up except the fact that i have always had an intense
sence of love for all people and of understanding why some people may not
follow the life i was susposed to be following. I made many freinds at school
and in grade 10 started seeing a boy i knew for 3 years. this all got out and i
was treated as if i had decieved everyone with something horrible and that i
was a very bad person. I was constantly having to speak with elders who were
overbearing and angry and my home life with my mom and dade lived at diff
freinds homes ..my grades slid ...and i started to drink and part was a
constant fight .... my best friend and cousin called me to tell me they could
no longer be  my freind and the shunning began ... i will also mention i had
never been baptized. teenage years are a time when emotional development
is at its peak and i went through some terrible times.. i left homy all the
time...now this may have seemed like i left to do these things but they were
actually an effect of all the stress and shock of loosing my whole life
basically. from the age of 16 to 19 i had completely lost myself and my
happyness. at 19 i was pregnant with my boyfreind we went through some
tough times. In the end we ended up living together and are now married and
very happy and stable together and our beautiful daughter is now 3 years
old. now that it is the calm after the storm all the issues are still there for me
to figure out and to get some kind of closure. It is worse to lose someone
because they are in a cult and will not love you in a truly unconditional and
supporting way  then to lose someone in death. how can someone chose this
life over someone they love. I cannot stop thinking about how they can do
this.... especially when the whole reason i left was for people i loved isnt this
a natural human action. how do i help them to see the trap they are in they
do not think for themselves and they are so blinded it hurts me in so many
ways. I also dont see how now that i am living a stable normal family life how
some still do not even try to talk to me except on a very superficial level . I
feel that the damage done to me is irraversable in this respect how can i ever
heal from the wound of loosing so many loved ones and my support group
growing up ..its like i lost a huge part of myself that cannot be replaced.  
please explain how these types of wounds are healed and how to express
myself to these ones so they can finally understand and i can have some
closure.

Answer
Dear Erin,

Thank you for making your question public so others can benefit from your experience. I'm so sorry you had such an awful experience with the Witnesses, especially during your teen years when you needed their support more than ever. You deserved better.

> Closer than most friendships since we exclusively could spend time
> only with each other

I know it seems that way. I've been there and felt the same way. But it isn't real friendship because it's conditional (as you learned later). Real friendship is based on a mutually choosing each other as friends, not being prohibited from finding friends elsewhere. Real friendship requires us to behave in a way that attracts people; while the artificial social environment among Witnesses makes it possible to habitually repel people yet still have "friends". It takes years after active recovery begins for former Witnesses to unlearn the toxic social behaviors they learned in the artificial Witness social milieu.

> I have always had an intense sense of love for all people

That was your salvation, I have no doubt. It is what helped you see beyond their scope that there is a wider world, a wider life, worth living.

> It is worse to lose someone because they are in a cult and will not
> love you in a truly unconditional and supporting way  then to lose
> someone in death.

I agree completely. With death there is closure and finality. With living relatives who practice shunning (and non-custodial parent/child relationships), there is no closure. It is like a living death that just goes on year after year. Eventually, even though we know family is everything, just to survive, we might end up shunning them back just to keep our sanity. How can you hold your heart open to people who will stab it every chance they get?

> how can someone chose this life over someone they love

Well that's really the ultimate question, isn't it? How can anybody let a system of idealogy become more important that flesh and blood? How can anybody let themselves be conditioned to forget what love means? Yet, as you and I both know, they can.

> I cannot stop thinking about how they can do this....especially
> when the whole reason i left was for people i loved isnt this
> a natural human action.

Your natural human actions define who you are, and that's a good thing. There is value simply in being who you are, defining yourself by your natural human behavior. You don't need anybody to give you permission or tell you it's OK. You just are who you are. Some basic core seed within you was immune to their mental conditioning because you never fell for their artificial redefinition of "love". Bravo! Take joy in who you are.

> how do i help them to see the trap they are in they do not think
> for themselves and they are so blinded it hurts me in so many
> ways.

You will eventually come to understand that your happiness and your future are not contingent on being able to help anyone else see anything. Rather on being able to help YOURSELF see. You cannot help anyone see anything unless they want to; so watch for opportunities and use your opportunities, but don't hold your breath, and you'll come to a place of peace, realizing that what THEY understand does not define your life.

> I also dont see how now that i am living a stable normal family
> life how some still do not even try to talk to me except on a very
> superficial level.

Witnesses live in a glass house, yet they throw stones. Your life is a living demonstration that you didn't need them. That IDEA is a threat. All kinds of ideas threaten the Witness idealogical glass house, which is the real reason they are taught to shun, so that they never find out how fragile their idealogy is. I know it's painful that former friends treat you this way, but as you progress further in your recovery, you will make real friends, and what those former friends think will matter less and less.

Family is always family, however. If you choose to maintain relations with Witness relatives, keep in mind that since you were never baptized, they may eventually come around. Once they begin to see that you are firm in not wanting to discuss their one-sided dogma, they will gradually leave off trying to convince you to come back.

> I feel that the damage done to me is irraversable in this respect
> how can i ever heal from the wound of loosing so many loved ones
> and my support group growing up ..its like i lost a huge part of
> myself that cannot be replaced.  

Yes, the damage is immense. You deserved better, Erin. But irreversible? No I don't think so. It may take time and effort to heal, but healing is definitely possible, and definitely worthwhile. For former Witnesses, it takes effort to recover. It takes effort and conscious will to undo years of conditioning; otherwise the conditioning stays with you until you uproot it. You can heal. Give yourself time. Give your recovery the effort it deserves; and you will reverse the damage and be healthier than you ever could have been as a Witness.

> please explain how these types of wounds are healed and how to
> express myself to these ones so they can finally understand and i
> can have some closure.

Those are very different and unrelated questions, Erin. Finding closure and healing your wounds DOES NOT depend on making them understand. Active Witnesses will probably never understand the errors of their own organization and idealogy. They are conditioned through hundreds of hours of practice each year to wear blinders to the errors; so do not invest in the hope that you can make them see.

But do pursue the question of finding closure for YOURSELF and healing YOUR OWN wounds. That you can do. It will take time and effort. Don't give up on yourself. You are a loving, wise, and balanced person. You deserve it. See it through. Do it for your daughter. Give her the chance you never had. You will find a way.

Healing for former Witnesses always involves reclaiming our own minds. Even if you have already recognized the basic errors of the organization, you would be surprised how many ways they have conditioned your thinking. So the process of reclaiming your mind must go on for an extended period. How? Through reading books, live support groups, therapists trained in cult recovery, reading recovery articles online, networking with other former Witnesses online, and so on.

If you haven't already done it, an excellent book for a person in your situation is "Crisis of Conscience" by Raymond Franz. As Witnesses we were taught that Raymond Franz was a betrayer; but he is a good man. It was the Governing Body who betrayed us. Read his book and find out how. This will be a helpful way of reclaiming your mind, upon which all your subsequent recovery efforts will depend.

Trust your heart, Erin. Keep working at it. You are worth it. You will get there.

Blessings,
AndrewXJW