Expert: Andrew - 3/30/2009

Question
Hi. My question is in regard to meeting with JW's and in particular meeting with a JW "in-law". I 'm in a very serious relationship with a man who has been dis-fellowshipped for over a year. His 2 wonderful children (who spend the weekends at our house) and ex-wife are still practicing JW's, as is the greater majority of his family. We are not married, therefore "living in sin", yet he is a wonderful and responsible father and we are both excited to be offering his children a balanced upbringing. He is completely non-invested in the cult, which is assuring to me. However, even after a year and a half of dating and living together, I am still appalled by his families treatment of the situation. His Mom will send him text messages telling him to come back to the Truth, that it is the only way they can be a family again. His Dad will call maybe every three weeks (which seems to offer his son a false sense of hope), but that is beginning to occur less and less. Meanwhile, I have bent over backwards trying to see things from their perspective: I'm engaged in research of the Bible/Christianity/Watchtower Society (personally, I'm agnostic leaning towards atheism), I've accepted his children into my life and we have played by his ex-wives rules...even moved so that he could be closer to them. I'm currently in counseling and have turned to meditation, yoga, and holistic approach to healing. Throughout all of this we have been keeping each other in high spirits and have utilized the "being the bigger person" approach to dealing. We are hopeful that the children will not be baptized and therefore not experience the pain he has gone through. Generally, we are OK, besides a few angry moments here and there. But...recently his Mom asked to meet with me, even sent me a letter with reasoning behind the treatment of their son and included Watchtower literature on dis-fellowshipping, stating the so called "biblical" nature of the process. After this happened I kind of fell into an un-announced depression...a buildup of everything that has happened. At first I was happy to meet with her, but now I'm questioning if I should for several reasons: 1.) I do not want to be preached to. 2.) I do not want to blow up at her and ruin her perception of the "normal" and kind me. 3.) I find it unfair that she will meet with me but not her son. So, I suppose my question goes something like this: Is it likely that if I do meet with her that, given I stay composed, she will respect or hear any of my opinions on the matter of how negatively the Watchtower Society is affecting our lives? Is it possible to translate a "worldly" opinion to a devout JW? Or, will I be wasting my time because, sadly, they are brainwashed? Or...none of the above? I know she is hurting, but so are we. If it is a link she is looking for, between she and her son, I will be it, but I'm afraid of losing myself in the process. I'm not sure what to do and I'm afraid of the repercussions. And, finally, what role does "treating others as you would like to be treated" play in the JW society? Margot.

Answer
Dear Margot,

Thanks for making your question public so others can benefit from your experience.

I'm so sorry you've fallen into this difficult, awkward, and depressing situation. I can understand why you would have second thoughts about meeting with your mother-in-law-to-be.

I don't think it's likely that she will be able to "respect or hear your opinions about how negatively the Watchtower Society is affecting lives". She has, in fact, invested a tremendous part of her life in not hearing such things, even to the point that she would sacrifice her son for that investment. People can only hear what they are ready to hear; and I would guess based what you have said of your situation and what I know of the Witnesses, that your mother-in-law-to-be is not at all ready to hear anything critical of their organization. No, I don't think it's "possible to translate a 'worldly' opinion" into language a devout Witness would understand.

She might, however, be able to hear how firm and unwavering your position is. If she comes to believe that you show no hint of changing your mind, because you speak with solid confidence and determination about not wanting to discuss her religion, nor any other idealogical "criteria" she might lay down, she may begin to back off from trying to indoctrinate you.

However, be prepared for the likelihood that, if she gives up on trying to indoctrinate you (even if only insofar as to understand why she treats her son the way she does), she will also give up on all social contact with you and any grandchildren. When it comes to expulsion and shunning, the Witnesses really do mean it. They expel tens of thousands more former members EACH YEAR, and in many cases never speak to the expelled person again, tearing apart families and lives. Your fiance's situation is not unusual, unfortunately.

By "bending over backwards to see from their perspective" you are putting yourself at great risk. Even though you are so far determined against them, that can change. Many people in your situation fell victim to their "charms" while thinking they never would. I applaud you for trying to be the "bigger person", for being civil and respectful, for being an ideal prospective daughter-in-law. THIS ABSOLUTELY DOES NOT REQUIRE YOU TO DISCUSS IDEALOGY WITH THEM. Isn't that right?

Yes, they are brainwashed. Yes, you would likely be wasting your time with an overt argument. It is possible you could help her down the road by asking open-ended thought-provoking questions that give her food for thought, that she might consider later and might gradually open her eyes over time. But it is exceedingly difficult for a casually-prepared person to ask the right kind of question that has that effect. It is very easy to say the wrong thing, that causes a Witness to raise their defenses and further close their minds.

If your mother-in-law-to-be is hurting, it is because of the terrible lies she has come to believe about the relative value of love, family, and religious dogma. You cannot take responsibility for that, nor buy into her insistent determination that you must discuss her idealogy with her in order to qualify as a decent daughter-in-law. Reasonable in-laws do not expect such things.

You cannot be a link between her and her son. You would be signing up for tremendous dysfunction in order to try, just as you already suspect. Should she not fully feel the consequences of her misguided decision? Perhaps that experience might make her reconsider what she believes to be true in a way that no verbal message could.

"Treating others as you would like to be treated" is an example of expecting social order to work as it is "supposed to" work. It is a good idea, the golden rule, given by Jesus Christ in the bible. It is normally a sound policy, and is perhaps the foundation of all law and social order; so I have tremendous respect for this intention.

However, social order among Witnesses absolutely does not work as it is supposed to work. Their social order is characterized by manipulation, pressure, control, isolation, and the constant threat of banishment for those who do not comply.

Do not expect your mother-in-law-to-be to treat you as she wishes to be treated; she is not capable. Unless she has actually been in a situation like the one you or her son is in (which most current Witnesses never have been), it is unlikely she can even understand the full extent of the harm she is causing.

In order for you to treat her in the way you would like to be treated, you would have to understand a tremendous amount about an artificial and dysfunctional social order. Just by gaining that understanding, you would be changed and harmed. Perhaps it would be going far beyond what the great teachers expected for you to do this.

I suggest you be civil yet confident, and insist on reasonable boundaries. The insistence of Witnesses to cross your boundaries IS NOT any reason to allow them to.

If you remain in a relationship with this man, you will likely have continued struggles with his family. It might help you to continue your reasearch about them, beginning with research about how cult mind control works. Your continued research will serve as a protection for you, and help you support your fiance's recovery process from his past Witness experience also.

Best wishes,
AndrewXJW