Expert: Gordon Cook - 6/9/2009

Question
4 months ago I met a guy who had recently left his wife.  He left after finding out she had been unfaithful twice and altho tired to stay and work on it for the sake of the children there were too many rows.  6 weeks after he left and 5 months after he found out about the infidelity he met me in a bar.  When he first approached me he came across as typical guy in a bar, drank smoked etc asked me out but he lost my number, then saw him again the following wk and he told me he went looking 4 me when he lost my number but couldn't find me.  We went out on a date and then proceeded to see each other alot.  1 month in his wife found out about me and she went mad causing alot of trouble, abusive phone calls, calling me all sorts of names, turning up at my house blowing her horn outside etc.  In the end I had a harassment order served on her which he encouraged, which she subsequently broke and was then arrested.  Throughout these episodes he started to me how much he loved me, we were constantly in bed! he said he initially had given up on his faith due to how he had been treated (disfellowshiped for smoking) yet his wife had only had a private reproof for what she had done.  Then  he started saying he wanted to go back to it and started talking about Armageddon alot and paradise earth and about marriage with me and If I was to go into it etc etc.  I never really made my position clear on this as tried to keep an open mind, but as a catholic from where i was standing I couldn't understand how Christians could behave the way his wife had and also how unchristian it was that if you get disfellowshipped you couldn't even talk to your own family never mind any other JW's.  Anyway 4 months in I noticed that he was getting more and more distant.  We had spent so much time together every single day and night almost, we clicked and got on so well and he was always saying how I was his soul mate, he had never felt like this about anyone etc etc.  it was a shock when he started to get distant so in the end i eventually forced the issue and got him to tell me what was wrong.  He had recently spoken alot about returning to his faith and when I questioned what if I didn't want to join he was convinced that we would be able to have a relationship as he knew other marriages where one was JW and the other wasn't.  I never challenged him on his beliefs and we only had 2 disagreements one regarding his ex wife and how I felt he was still looking out for her and not me despite what she was putting us through and the other regarding him getting jealous that another guy had shown some interest in me which incidentally was not encouraged or reciprocated by me. Anyway after i forced him to tell me what was wrong and i knew he was being distant he finally said he felt he needed some space and it had all moved too quickly after leaving his wife.  He said to just give him 3-4 wks space and that was 8 wks ago.  We went out the following eve to talk about it he cried I cried and I asked him if it was anything to do with is faith and he said not really but he did feel guilty about having sex.  He asked me to carry on but see each other less but I said no as I felt he was just saying this to lessen his guilt and the result would end up the same.  He cuddled me and even suggested staying with me for the nite but again I said no.  He said he still loves me fancies me and thinks that we could still have something there but just needed to sort his head out as it was a mess.  9 wks later and ive seen him a couple of times where we make polite conversation and he has said that he is thinking of moving away.  He has asked me out for a drink but it has not materialized.  He has rung me to sound off about his continuous run ins with his wife and how he is still pushing ahead for divorce.  And this wk i have asked him to come and collect his remaining stuff at my house and he to return mine which ive no idea will happen as he seems to have a fear of confrontation.  I was deeply hurt from going to an intense relationship where he said he loved me so much and couldn't imagine life without me to nothing.  Now its like speaking to a stranger when I see him.  I suppose my question is was it doomed from the start because of his faith.  I had started to ask questions about his faith challenging it do you think this was a reason.  I am a catholic and do not understand how people who are supposed to be Christians can treat other people this way. I am feeling like a weight has been lifted now and will never date another JW again due to their very tunnel vision beliefs.  But it hurt alot and am struggling to understand why this happened in the first place and also how someones feelings can change so quickly.  3 wks before he asked for space and time he told me his life would be nothing without me.  He has said its nothing to do with his wife and I know for sure that he has not gone back there as she lives just round the corner from me.  I hate judging other people and their faith, lives etc but to me the whole thing is a bit messed up and seems to be a as and when suits religion.  I got the feeling from him that as long as he repents he will still survive Armageddon and go on to paradise earth - is that true??? and he wouldn't celebrate my birthday or Xmas because it was against his beliefs and faith but he was quite happy to smoke, drink and have lots of pre-marital sex.  Very very confused.

Answer
By the sounds of it you have hit JW double standards.
Yes he was quite happy to smoke, drink, have sex.
But at the same time he is trying to salve his conscience by possibly making a return to the JWs.
If he as you say wants to survive Armageddon then he will not only have to repent but return completely to the JWs.
If he is, then he may have been influenced by other JWs, especially the Elders. They will more than likely have told him its either them or you.   

Someone meets a seemingly non-practicing JW, they get on together etc.
Next thing the JW starts to pull away from the relationship.
They have to make the choice between their partner or their faith or I should say the control of the Watchtower over them.
I'm sorry to say its a situation that I have come across quite often.

I hope that things do work out for you.