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Critics of Jehovah`s Witnesses/Friend converting -- not healthy.
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Question
My best friend met a guy at the end of last year who had
been exiled from the congregation for adultry. He had yet to
be divorced from his ex-wife when my friend and him
started dating. About 6 weeks into the relationship he
decides he wants to go back to the congregation., and tells
my friend he needs to get "back on track". She then starts
attending meetings, and having studies at her house. Over th
e next few weeks the guy keeps going off track on the
weekends, and then when monday comes around he's
wanting to be back on track.. During this time my friend is
becoming more serious about the JW stuff, and starts
preaching to myself and friends. The guy ends up dropping
her completely and starts dating someone else. Over the
last 8 weeks my friend hasn't been as serious about going to
meetings and studies, and then all of a sudden this week
the guy pops back into her life, and she is all about the JW
thing again. Myself and one other friend have done tons of
research to help us better understand what it's all about,
and we have gone to her with questions and facts. My friend
never seems to know the answer, and always ends up
answering by getting off topic. This past weekend she
passed on celebrating 4th of July because it's against her
religion's beliefs -- as she is telling us this Friday night she is
drunk. This is such an unhealthy thing because she is doing it
for a man that isn't even faithful to the beliefs. What can we
do to help her see the light? We've tried, and she just fights
us on it. So we back off and let her do her thing, and then
she accuses us of not being supportive. Any tips or ideas?
Dear Meggin,
I don't know your friend personally, and there is huge variation from person to person; but based on what is typical in cases LIKE yours, I'll try to shine some light on the situation for you. Remember, this is only a guess based on the assumption that your case is LIKE typical cases similar to the one you're describing....
I'm afraid I've got some bad news for you. This experience with your friend is not about her; it's about you. You are grieving and at a loss for how to support your friend. It's a weird situation you've researched but still feel unable to impact upon. Ultimately when a person like your friend becoming a Witness is as determined as she apparently is, there's really not much of anything you can do to make them change their minds. No amount of evidence will matter to her, because the first thing they taught her is how to contextualize and reinterpret the evidence.
If you point out the ills of the organization, she will only view that as a commentary on YOU, because she already sees the organization as the mouthpiece of God Almighty, incapable of wrongdoing. So if YOU are opposed, there must be something wrong with YOU, her thought process will go. Who would oppose God and his own organization? Only the devil or his agents, her thought process will go. So by trying to get her to open her eyes, you will only make her label YOU as an agent of the Devil.
Earlier in the process, before she was fully indoctrinated and determined, you might have had a shot; but now, frankly, it is probably too late for you to do anything.
So this is situation is probably not about how you can help your friend; rather it is probably about how you can set boundaries, recognize your own limitations, and cope with the fact that you're losing a friend, who is choosing to go down a road where you cannot follow. I'm sorry, this is the truth in typical cases LIKE yours, and appears to apply to you.
I know it's probably difficult to hear this, but my working theory is that you can navigate better and make conscious choices better when you are better able to accurately assess the obstacles ahead. Sometimes it's better to get bad news earlier and begin healing earlier rather than wasting years of your life in futility.
You may not be able to save your friend, but you can cope with the loss. Make sure you spend plenty of time with YOUR friends and relatives, YOUR support network, and explain to your closest friends that you're losing someone you care about, they will give you the support you need to help you cope with this. Please don't isolate yourself. You deserve support through this.
If your friend becoming a Witness ever begins to wake up from this nightmare, you will be there for her, ready to gently guide her into a recovery program, but don't hold your breath, it could be years down the road, or even never.
In the meantime you have to live your life. Don't buy into the accusation that you're "unsupportive" as a friend. The simple fact is that everyone has limits; and she's choosing to go down a road where you cannot follow. It's her choice that's lead to this; not yours. Be kind to yourself. You've done as much as anyone could; you've done more than most would by researching it as far as you have. But you are only one woman.
Peace to you,
AndrewXJW
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Andrew
Expertise
I don't object to Witness theology, but rather their use of social pressure & deceptive manipulations to undermine family ties and control minds. (This may seem contradictory to Witnesses, who draw no distinction between spiritual belief and organizational policy.) I do not engage in theological debate. I support persons impacted by an experience with the Witnesses and advocate early education for everyone so that they can protect themselves from cults by understanding what to watch out for. (It's not what most people think.)
(Ex-)Witnesses: I know how upsetting it is to experience doubts (or anger) about your experience. Time does not heal this wound until you first remove the splinter, which takes more time and effort than you may realize. So, unless you have already put in that time and effort, don't be surprised if you are deeply affected long after the experience. But there is good news! You're NOT an enemy of God for doubting or for failing to meet the requirements of a human organization. An organization that lies cannot be the exclusive spokesman for the God of Truth. Tell me where you're at. I'll understand. I can show you how to begin or continue your recovery and make a life for yourself worth living.
Non-Witnesses: Describe your experience with your friend/relative who is (becoming) a Witness. I can help you understand the Witness indoctrination and social dynamics that are affecting him or her. I can help you put your options into perspective. Keep in mind that people do make their own choices (even though they may sometimes do so under outside influence) and you may not be able to affect this person's choices, even though they impact on you. After all, you do not have the arsenal of tactics that a cult does (and wouldn't want to). A few people manage to save their friend/relative, but don't count on it. What you can count on is navigating the maze more successfully by becoming more informed about your own options.
Experience
I was a Witness for 30 years, and a volunteer at their headquarters in Brooklyn, New York, for a year. I have attended meetings with many Witness congregations across the United States, a thorough cross-section, carefully observing patterns of behavior. Although being a Witness was difficult, and I gradually had more and more doubts about Witness teachings--I was a true believer, so I kept trying to make it work somehow. I stopped attending meetings in 1997 only after receiving an answer to a prayer about doing so, and have since been actively involved in recovery. This includes both my own and supporting others in theirs. Recovery can include reading books, communicating with others in recovery, and participating in support groups and/or therapy. It always involves reclaiming one's own mind and discovering the other sides of the issues that you have been blinded to in the past.
My gradual awakening was socially, psychologically, and spiritually tumultuous. I lost everything from my former life. My suffering was substantial.
But I have gained everything, so it was worth it. Only after beginning my recovery did I gain social, psychological, and spiritual healing and growth, peace of mind, and self-respect. Only then did I discover who I am; and--for the first time--the meaning of real brotherly love.
For more resources on this topic, try these web sites:
http://freeminds.org/
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/freedomofmind/
Education/Credentials
Like most Cult Recovery Counselors, I am a cult survivor. I have life experience, not professional training. Also I feel no need to apologize for that. People with professional training cannot understand what it is like to survive a cult unless they have been through it themselves, which few professional therapists have. Understanding what really happened and what works in this unusual social context is as important as psychological training. Most professional therapists are not specifically trained to support cult survivors. Those who are represent a rare and precious resource.
I sometimes refer people to professional therapists regarding deep personal issues. But surviving a cult is a broad experience with other dimensions. Professional therapy can be very helpful as part of your recovery process, assuming that you choose the right therapist. When choosing a therapist, remember that you are the client and they are a service provider. You are the one who holds authority about the relationship. You get to interview the therapist and decide which one to employ.
Be sure to ask what specific training and experience they have around recovery from cult mind control. Most therapists do not have relevant training. Some carry serious misunderstandings about what cult mind control is; and therefore will misunderstand your struggle. So it pays to be selective as a consumer of professional therapy services.
Past/Present Clients
The Witness organization is not like other churches. Most non-Witnesses really cannot imagine what it is like to be a Witness. The organization has unimaginably extensive rules and monitoring that affect every aspect of life, so there is no privacy and no sense of personal independence. "Independent thought" is considered their greatest "sin".
The organization insists on absolute conformity, and claims to directly represent God; so dissent is not tolerated, and authority is totalitarian. Being a Witness is more like living in China or the former Soviet Union than being a member of a religion as you know it. It was the research of Robert J. Lifton, who was studying--not religions--but totalitarian governments, who first began to illuminate the problem of religious cults around the world, which employ exactly the same tactics as totalitarian governments. His work remains a cornerstone for Cult Recovery Counselors still today. (This may be why many governments are tolerant of cults, to avoid exposing their own control tactics.)
Witnesses often experience unusually dysfunctional lives and an extensive array of personal problems stemming from broken family ties, stunted social development, inner unrest resulting from repressed doubts, inability to defend boundaries, and an extreme, persistent feeling of irrational shame. I can help people impacted by an experience with the Witnesses by revealing in detail the policies and social dynamics in the Witness organization that cause these problems.
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