Expert: Andrew - 9/30/2009

Question
Some Background
I married a JW 4 yrs ago, one of the nicest people I know. All of her family are at least 2nd generation JW's  I was 42 she 34. She had no children I have 2, 12yrs old and 16 then. I was raised an SDA but have since come to understand "Grace" and "Spiritual connection" to my God. I have rejected legalistic teaching and organizations that claim to have "The Truth" In fact, I  accept and respect everyone's choice of how to believe, based on their "own" understanding. It is this thinking that allowed me to marry a JW based on how much I "Knew and Understood and accepted" I told her that I did not have a problem with how she chose to worship. I remember telling her that many spouses in the same  church organization do not agree on everything and that God loves all of his children in spite of ourselves. She was disfellowshiped for a year, after telling the elders about dating me. One of the Elders was her husbands best friend. She is very diligent in attending all of the meetings, even when she was disfellowshipped. In spite of all of this we both were committed to each other but our major concern surrounded the question of having a child together.  I was convinced it was absolutely not an option. She said she agreed and based on many hours of discussion including her telling me that her 1st husband (who was the youngest elder ever in that hall) had a vasectomy at age 27,with her blessing.  She and I and mutually agreed that our diverse beliefs systems would not be conducive to raising a child together.  I became convinced that she was sincere in her desire not to have a child. It is also important to know that I had a  vasectomy 10 yrs ago.

The Issue
Today we have an 8 month old little girl. I did NOT get a vasectomy reversal and I have been proven to be the father. I do NOT want to raise this child to be a JW. My sweet bride has now turned on me, she resents me. She has become aggressive and combative in her speech. She has told me that I am a demonic influence on this child and that for the rest of her life she will have to live with the congruences of bad decision to marry me. She has become aggressive in her actions throwing things etc.. It feels to me like her perceived lack of control combined with her fear of losing this child in Armageddon is literally driving her insane. I have no idea how to proceed.  If it were not for the child, I would divorce immediately. Ironically, If we did not have a child we would have a nice relationship. It seems like a hopeless situation I can barely cope. Any advice, thoughts or referrals would be appreciated.
Michael


Answer
Dear Michael,

In order for a Witness to marry a non-Witness, your wife would have had to be in a state of decline in her "faith", and probably in a state of shame and self-doubt regarding her relationship with God, in order to sink to such a low state, indicated by the behavior of having married a non-Witness, even before she was disfellowshipped. Even if she had not been disfellowshipped, this dynamic would have existed for her based on their social values and behaviors. The disfellowshipping only intensified the matter for her, and is not the ultimate source of the problem.

Can you imagine what it means for a person to be so committed to a pattern of thought and social behavior that even after becoming a pariah who must endure shunning, that person continues to endure shame and manipulation by attending all the meetings in order to receive that negative reinforcement? Although you believe you and she are committed to each other, can you see how her commitments to you and to her faith are inherently contradictory? Can you imagine how that contradiction within her might affect her heart and soul?

The eventuality now manifest was somewhat predictable from the beginning considering the context. I'm very sorry that context was not more apparent to you early on so that you could have made a more informed decision. It is unfair that there is so much deception surrounding Witness behaviors so that you may not have known this.

> ...having a child together. I was convinced it was absolutely not an option.

I agree.

> It feels to me like her perceived lack of control combined
> with her fear of losing this child in Armageddon is
> literally driving her insane.

Your assessment seems very clear and accurate to me. The scenario you outline is unfortunately quite common. There is a much higher rate of mental illness among Witnesses than in the general population, both because the pressures they induce cause mental imbalance, and because their message attracts already-maladjusted persons.

Based on what little you have said here, and my admittedly narrow window on your situation, I believe your marriage is irreconcilable. Even if she were to become more conciliatory in her demeanor, she is still exposed to immense pressure via her association with the Witnesses that will continue to deny her a balanced life; and your child will inevitably be exposed to damaging Witness mind control tactics and unhealthy social values and behaviors.

Yet divorce where children are involved are among the most difficult of decisions to face in this life. If you divorce, it is perhaps 2/3 likely that you will lose all contact with the child, and therefore be unable to offer a balancing perspective, making your child an even more committed 3rd or 4th generation Witness. (Of course Armageddon will not come the way the Witnesses expect, as they have been repeatedly predicting and failing at predicting it for over a century now.)

So your choice is to hope for that 1/3 likelihood that, after a difficult and expensive legal battle, you will have primary custody; or that you remain married and maintain detente in a miniature cold war in order to maximize the likelihood that you can provide positive impacts in your child's life.

If you divorce, do your homework first by networking with a local divorced fathers group, as it is very easy to make things worse for yourself otherwise. Be aware that fathers losing all contact with children is very common, and not due to the disinterest of fathers as is commonly believed. Unless you can prove to the divorce court, the most corrupt and profit-driven of all governmental units, that your wife is mentally ill and a detriment to the child (which has occurred in rare cases), also be aware that even if you manage to get primary custody, the likelihood of exclusivity is almost nil, so your child will likely have some Witness contact.

If you remain married, be aware that children who have two lifestyles to choose from most often choose the course of least resistance (the lifestyle you would offer) because the Witness lifestyle is so very difficult for children and characterized by self-denial which children generally do not respond to well. Also be aware that taking time off to care for yourself socially, that is, becoming less dependent on your wife to meet your social needs by developing an enriching social life outside the family, may help you cope. Tangentially, there is also some slight hope that you could influence your wife to begin and pursue a recovery program. If you are interested in that, again do your homework first before you begin, as it is very easy to make things worse otherwise.

I'm sorry you face this ever-so-difficult choice. All I can really do is shine a light for you on your situation and on the fork in the road ahead. May you have comfort and peace and strength to be and do the best you can be and do despite the circumstances.

Blessings,
AndrewXJW