Expert: Andrew - 1/9/2010

Question
Good evening Andrew,

Gradually for the past six months, my mother has become more involved with the Jehovah's Witnesses. This started when she started chatting online with a friend from work who is a JW, and then he started sending her books, DVD's, etc. on JW. These included the JW Bible, Watchtower editions, tapes on the nonuse of blood, and so on. She is seeing this all as truth and is now going to Meetings all the time and having Bible studies in our house often.

All of this started happening at the same time as a violent episode with my stepfather, which ended with him not being around for awhile, but now she is wanting to try to "work things out." I know that JW are not in favor of relationships with non-JW- how do they handle pre-existing (to their becoming JW) relationships with non-JW?

I am a college student and am rarely home; however, my brother is in high school and still lives with my mom. All three of us were raised Lutheran, always going to church and Bible studies. When I came home for Thanksgiving and Christmas, my mother proclaimed that holidays were Pagan and she would not be acknowledging any of them anymore. I think this is ridiculous, especially for Christmas and Easter. She did not even wish my brother a happy birthday. I am afraid of how "sucked in" she is at this point. Luckily, my brother refuses to go to meeting with her and thinks JW are scary.
She has stopped seeing most of her non-JW friends, displaying crosses in the house, and listening to Christian music (that one confuses me- is it because of "wrong" orthodoxy?)

I have always believed that a strong relationship with God is the most important element of a Christian, not the specific faith. I went to 2 Kingdom Halls to see what they were like, and the talks at the beginning were not about God at all! They were about how they were the only ones who would be saved, and about how other religions are all living lies.

Everything I say to my mother about the JW (which hasn't been much, because I'm not sure how to approach her)is countered by a few core verses, especially 2 Corinthians 2:16, regardless of how relevant they are to my specific concerns. Historical context is not taken into consideration. I am afraid for her becoming a full member in the near future because I can see how that organization exercises an unsafe amount of mind control. Judgment should never come before love, and it shouldn't be even close. How should I go about approaching her? Logic does not seem to work.
Thank you in advance for your help,

Paige

Answer
Dear Paige,

Thank you for not marking your message as private, so that others can benefit from your experience.

I'm so glad you wrote me, because in your case there are definitely things you can do to improve the situation or reduce negative impacts. But in order to do so, your actions must be decisive and prompt. The window of opportunity for your next steps is narrow; this is why you must be decisive and prompt.

> I know that JW are not in favor of relationships with
> non-JW- how do they handle pre-existing (to their becoming
> JW) relationships with non-JW?

They will not pressure her to leave him unless he is physically violent or spiritually "abusive". If you explain to the step father that he should play it cool for the time being, that is, not pressure her until he learns how to do so effectively, then the Witnesses will have no excuse for trying to split them up, according to their own rules.

However, over time, she would come to be viewed as a sort of martyr among the Witnesses, one who gives a noble sacrifice because she goes on by herself without the support of a believing husband. This can give her a martyr complex. With or without the martyr complex, she will very likely poison her relationship with her husband. Even though she may say she wants to "work things out", she is choosing a course of action that is absolutely toxic to her marriage. Your mother's husband will become more and more marginalized in her life. His views will become less and less important to her. Making joint decisions will become more and more labored. She will become less and less able to treat him with respect and love. She will gradually treat him more and more condescendingly. (That is, to the extent she is like the typical Witness in her situation.) So this is very bad news for her marriage.

> my brother is in high school and still lives with my mom

This should be the biggest red flag for you. Although there is a chance you can get through to your mother, that is uncertain at best. Your real concern should be your brother. He is at extreme risk of being indoctrinated into a mind control cult. There are things you can do to prevent that. An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure. Even though he appears to have his critical thinking faculties intact for the moment, his resolve can be eroded over time. Your mother still has a lot of influence over him because he lives with her. She will certainly use that influence to try to erode his resolve, because she believes his life depends on his joining her, and she will want to "save" his life.

> When I came home for Thanksgiving and Christmas, my mother
> proclaimed that holidays were Pagan and she would not be
> acknowledging any of them anymore. I think this is ridiculous,
> especially for Christmas and Easter. She did not even wish my
> brother a happy birthday

This is typical. It is one of the ways Witnesses use to divide families. The Witnesses will give you long or passionate or dogmatic explanations of why holidays and birthdays are "wrong", but what it really comes down to at the end of the day is that it is an effective way to split families, and new Witness recruits divided from their families are easier to control. People need their families and other long term relationships as a foundation for their psyche and personal life. These are anchors for their life. The fewer anchors people have, the easier it is for them to start over and build a whole new life, which is of course what cult leaders want a new Witness recruit to do. Those leaders may think they are doing it for your mother's own life, to save her eternal life; but that is only because they don't really understand the monstrous machine they are operating.

It is up to you and your brother (because you still have your critical thinking faculties intact) to learn an effective response to this situation and try to get through to your mother. PLEASE RESTRAIN YOURSELVES until you learn what works and what doesn't. Lots of families go off in the wrong direction and make matters worse because they don't know how to respond. There is nothing in most people's lives that prepare them for a situation like this, so COMMON SENSE ABSOLUTELY DOES NOT WORK. This is a weird and alien situation that requires you to learn a whole new strategy in order to even have a hope of success.

> I am afraid of how "sucked in" she is at this point.

As you should be. You may have already lost your mother. Be careful, be strategic, be quick, be determined, and there is a CHANCE you can circumvent that. You have not yet lost your brother, and there's A LOT you can and should do about that, and your likelihood of success with him is very high if you play your cards right.

> Luckily, my brother refuses to go to meeting with her
> and thinks JW are scary.

Good for him. This is the resolve that could be eroded over time, however. So by itself, this may not save him from being indoctrinated too. My brother was indoctrinated by our mother when he was your brother's age, and he has lived as a Witness ever since.

> She has stopped seeing most of her non-JW friends

This is what I mean by long term relationships that serve as an anchor.

> She has stopped...displaying crosses in the house

Because they believe Jesus died on a stake without a cross-piece, and that it dishonors God to use the symbol of the cross because it was supposedly a pre-Christian pagan symbol. That matters to Witnesses; although it wouldn't matter to most persons who identify as Christian.

> She has stopped...listening to Christian music (that one
> confuses me- is it because of "wrong" orthodoxy?)

Jehovah's Witnesses are separatists. An "us-vs-them" mentality is one of their tools which they use to maintain their separation from the rest of the world. They are absolutely opposed to any form of interfaith, not looking for areas in common and compassion with their fellowman and unity of the human species, but rather they are preparing for the end of the world, and operating under the belief that God himself will destroy non-Witnesses, so their lives depend on making themselves as different as possible from those they consider "pseudo-Christians". They are also purists, and their idealogy is full of all kinds of arguments about why traditional Christianity is wrong. Traditional Christian music would be full of characteristics, mostly in terms of the lyrics, that they would find impure, which to them means inaccurate in terms of their interpretation of the scriptures.

> I went to 2 Kingdom Halls to see what they were like,
> and the talks at the beginning were not about God at
> all! They were about how they were the only ones who
> would be saved, and about how other religions are all
> living lies.

So you know exactly what I'm talking about. It's good that you got this preliminary research out of the way, although you risked your own freedom of mind by doing that without first innoculating yourself against cult mind control tactics.

> Everything I say to my mother about the JW (which hasn't
> been much, because I'm not sure how to approach her)

Excellent. This is definitely a point in your favor. At least you haven't made matters worse by going off prematurely in the wrong direction. You therefore have more credibility with her so that when you learn what is most likely to work, you will have a somewhat fresh slate to work with in her mind.

> Everything I say to my mother about the JW...is countered
> by a few core verses, especially 2 Corinthians 2:16,
> regardless of how relevant they are to my specific
> concerns.

This illustrates how your mother isn't really listening to you anymore. Hearing your point of view no longer matters to her in terms of understanding her world, because she believes she has found it. She is no longer a seeker of understanding as most of the world is; she believes she has already found all the truth that matters. Also your point of view no longer matters to her because there is now a hierarchical relationship between you that didn't exist before. You are an outsider now, who knows no better, so it is now easy for her to dismiss anything you say as coming from an unenlightened mind. In the privacy of her thoughts she will be patting you on the head condescendingly from now on, and trying to figure out how to get past your objections to help you see her version of "the truth". Witnesses receive over 500 hours a year of instruction (indoctrination) about how to do this as effectively as possible, because they believe they are saving lives by doing so. Imagine how important it is to your mother to save YOUR life. This will make her all the more determined with you and your brother, compared to her neighbors. And she will soon be preaching to them too, if she is not already.

> Historical context is not taken into consideration.

Neither is it important to them to consider all sides of an issue in order to make a fully informed decision ABOUT ANY SUBJECT anymore. All they need to know is where a message comes from. They are taught to believe that if a message comes from their organization, then it is from God and therefore trustworthy; if it comes from anywhere else, then it is from the Devil and therefore a lie. Critical thinking faculties are gradually lost over time as they are pressured to stop thinking for themselves. The other side of the issue gets ignored, and incredible atrocities become possible, as they put on blinders to injustices in their ranks. They believe this is a necessary response to their high stakes game. Of course to them it is not a game, because they believe it wholeheartedly.

> I am afraid for her becoming a full member in the near
> future because I can see how that organization exercises an
> unsafe amount of mind control.

You knew this from the start. Good for you. Your critical thinking faculties and capacity for straightforward logic and honest observation appear intact. You are exactly right. You may be able to influence her somewhat to change her mind before her indoctrination is complete; but you must act swiftly and determinedly in order to have any hope of success, and even then it is a long shot. I'm sorry. I hope you are successful.

> Judgment should never come before love, and it shouldn't be
> even close.

Exactly. Yet Witnesses are taught to forget what love is, and substitute some made-up intellectual process, and call that love instead. Something must have been incredibly attractive to your mother to make her even consider doing this. And things that seem too good to be true usually are.

> How should I go about approaching her? Logic does not seem to
> work.

I'm glad you asked before getting in too deep. The answer is not a simple one. You will have to read at least one book, and completely digest it before you say another word to her, in order to know how to approach her, in order to have even a hope of success. In your situation I recommend "Releasing the Bonds" by Steven Hassan. You can find it online. Order it today. Order express shipping. Stay up all night, finish reading it tomorrow. Then sleep and read it again. Then you will be able to begin planning how to approach your mother. There is little time left. Act now.

Your brother needs a different approach. He needs to understand exactly what cult mind control is, so that when his mother and her friends practice it on him, he will see in the moment what is happening and be able to make a conscious choice about it. Cult mind control, in order to be successful, depends on overwhelming the senses. It depends on blindsiding people with sly subtleties so that they don't really realize what's happening. Over time, their mental resistance is worn down. There is a reason why the Witnesses have been nicknamed "The Borg" by Witness critics.

After years of research, I have never found the kind of book your brother needs. I've been thinking of offering a class. It's pretty dry material, and may seem really foreign to the student, but if we can help him understand how cult mind control actually works, before he loses his resolve, it can save his life.

Please let me know if I can help further. Preventing or reducing damage to families and minds in cases like yours so as to reduce your suffering is so worthwhile to me, because it gives purpose to my own past suffering.

Blessings,
AndrewXJW