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- Maliciously Toying with Relatives?
Critics of Jehovah`s Witnesses/Maliciously Toying with Relatives?
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Question
My brother, who has always been a bit on the manipulative/unstable side, has been involved in the Witnesses for the last 3 years. It has broken our already shakey family. He and his wife now seem to take delight in pushing our buttons. He lives about 4 hours away and I recently found out he regularly comes to our town for BBQ with his brother and sisters. We don't hear from him for months and suddenly he takes intrest in our lives again. I have given birth to two children in the last 3 years and he has barely shown an intrest. Recently we found he is planning on being in the same town my parents visit every year for a gospel festival. I am sure he isn't planning o attending the festival but it would appear he is trying to upset my father who will barely speak to him. My mother, a devote Christian, is so torn up about this that she just tears up at the mention of it. Yet, because of her Christianity, refuses to cut him off. I guess what I am asking is, is it normal for him to be "messing" with us so much?
Dear Holly,
There are certain acts of intervention that have limited success in some cases, where the intervention is early in the indoctrination process; but I'd say after three years that ship probably has sailed. If you're still interested in intervention, remember that subtlety is the key. Say nothing to him until you first educate yourself on how to save him through subtle acts to stimulate his mind and heart, or you will end up putting nails in his coffin by saying the wrong things. Common sense DOES NOT WORK in this strange situation.
I'm so sorry you've lost your brother to a mind control cult. Such a loss can be devastating to any family. Coping with the situation will not be easy for your family; however, it can be manageable if you are armed with accurate information about what is happening and what actions have worked for others in mitigating similar situations.
I can understand why your mother's ethics doesn't allow her to "cut him off". Family is precious, no matter what, and we would be no better than the Witnesses themselves if we casually cut off our family members. Also we would be no better than the Witnesses if we were judgmental, withholding affection because of disapproval. However, it is sometimes wise to limit contact in order to achieve peace. So it is also understandable why your father chooses not to speak to him much. There aren't a lot of viable choices.
The Witness leadership does not approve of maliciously toying with the feelings of non-Witness relatives. However, members are individuals and have a wide range of behaviors. They are less likely in the early years of their Witness career to conform to the expectations of leadership than in the later years, when conformity becomes more and more complete. Considering that your brother is a new Witness and that he has always been a bit manipulative/unstable, I would consider it unsurprising for your brother to behave this way, even though it isn't typical for Witnesses in general.
What is typical is for Witnesses to cut off or drift away from non-Witness relatives and begin to ignore them almost completely because of considering them unwholesome associates. (Their concept not mine.) This and lost freedom of mind are the two central errors of all cults. Witnesses are no different from any other cult in this respect. People who are separated from their own natural families are easier to control, so all cults work to separate members from their families, and make the cult itself their new "family".
Could it be that your brother is not being maliciously manipulative in these recent cases of visiting your town but not visiting you, but rather simply ignoring his non-Witness relatives, and this ignoring is what pushes your buttons? (That would be typical and normal in such cases.)
This challenge has now become part of your parent's spiritual journey and yours. How will you manage to achieve peace in your personal lives with this new wrench in the works? That is the central issue. Perhaps you cannot have much influence on your brother; but you can certainly become more accomplished in your own internal sense of peace and well being despite these new difficulties. And you can learn to practice unconditional love. That is where you and your family can offer something to your brother that the Witnesses will never offer. If you give him something to come home to--a gently glowing and unquenchable love that only family can offer--it is possible that some day in the distant future, he might wake up to his mistake.
In the meantime, your goal perhaps should be learning not to become hooked into his thoughtlessness and drama.
Blessings and peace,
AndrewXJW
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Andrew
Expertise
I don't object to Witness theology, but rather their use of social pressure & deceptive manipulations to undermine family ties and control minds. (This may seem contradictory to Witnesses, who draw no distinction between spiritual belief and organizational policy.) I do not engage in theological debate. I support persons impacted by an experience with the Witnesses and advocate early education for everyone so that they can protect themselves from cults by understanding what to watch out for. (It's not what most people think.)
(Ex-)Witnesses: I know how upsetting it is to experience doubts (or anger) about your experience. Time does not heal this wound until you first remove the splinter, which takes more time and effort than you may realize. So, unless you have already put in that time and effort, don't be surprised if you are deeply affected long after the experience. But there is good news! You're NOT an enemy of God for doubting or for failing to meet the requirements of a human organization. An organization that lies cannot be the exclusive spokesman for the God of Truth. Tell me where you're at. I'll understand. I can show you how to begin or continue your recovery and make a life for yourself worth living.
Non-Witnesses: Describe your experience with your friend/relative who is (becoming) a Witness. I can help you understand the Witness indoctrination and social dynamics that are affecting him or her. I can help you put your options into perspective. Keep in mind that people do make their own choices (even though they may sometimes do so under outside influence) and you may not be able to affect this person's choices, even though they impact on you. After all, you do not have the arsenal of tactics that a cult does (and wouldn't want to). A few people manage to save their friend/relative, but don't count on it. What you can count on is navigating the maze more successfully by becoming more informed about your own options.
Experience
I was a Witness for 30 years, and a volunteer at their headquarters in Brooklyn, New York, for a year. I have attended meetings with many Witness congregations across the United States, a thorough cross-section, carefully observing patterns of behavior. Although being a Witness was difficult, and I gradually had more and more doubts about Witness teachings--I was a true believer, so I kept trying to make it work somehow. I stopped attending meetings in 1997 only after receiving an answer to a prayer about doing so, and have since been actively involved in recovery. This includes both my own and supporting others in theirs. Recovery can include reading books, communicating with others in recovery, and participating in support groups and/or therapy. It always involves reclaiming one's own mind and discovering the other sides of the issues that you have been blinded to in the past.
My gradual awakening was socially, psychologically, and spiritually tumultuous. I lost everything from my former life. My suffering was substantial.
But I have gained everything, so it was worth it. Only after beginning my recovery did I gain social, psychological, and spiritual healing and growth, peace of mind, and self-respect. Only then did I discover who I am; and--for the first time--the meaning of real brotherly love.
For more resources on this topic, try these web sites:
http://freeminds.org/
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/freedomofmind/
Education/Credentials
Like most Cult Recovery Counselors, I am a cult survivor. I have life experience, not professional training. Also I feel no need to apologize for that. People with professional training cannot understand what it is like to survive a cult unless they have been through it themselves, which few professional therapists have. Understanding what really happened and what works in this unusual social context is as important as psychological training. Most professional therapists are not specifically trained to support cult survivors. Those who are represent a rare and precious resource.
I sometimes refer people to professional therapists regarding deep personal issues. But surviving a cult is a broad experience with other dimensions. Professional therapy can be very helpful as part of your recovery process, assuming that you choose the right therapist. When choosing a therapist, remember that you are the client and they are a service provider. You are the one who holds authority about the relationship. You get to interview the therapist and decide which one to employ.
Be sure to ask what specific training and experience they have around recovery from cult mind control. Most therapists do not have relevant training. Some carry serious misunderstandings about what cult mind control is; and therefore will misunderstand your struggle. So it pays to be selective as a consumer of professional therapy services.
Past/Present Clients
The Witness organization is not like other churches. Most non-Witnesses really cannot imagine what it is like to be a Witness. The organization has unimaginably extensive rules and monitoring that affect every aspect of life, so there is no privacy and no sense of personal independence. "Independent thought" is considered their greatest "sin".
The organization insists on absolute conformity, and claims to directly represent God; so dissent is not tolerated, and authority is totalitarian. Being a Witness is more like living in China or the former Soviet Union than being a member of a religion as you know it. It was the research of Robert J. Lifton, who was studying--not religions--but totalitarian governments, who first began to illuminate the problem of religious cults around the world, which employ exactly the same tactics as totalitarian governments. His work remains a cornerstone for Cult Recovery Counselors still today. (This may be why many governments are tolerant of cults, to avoid exposing their own control tactics.)
Witnesses often experience unusually dysfunctional lives and an extensive array of personal problems stemming from broken family ties, stunted social development, inner unrest resulting from repressed doubts, inability to defend boundaries, and an extreme, persistent feeling of irrational shame. I can help people impacted by an experience with the Witnesses by revealing in detail the policies and social dynamics in the Witness organization that cause these problems.
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