Critics of Jehovah`s Witnesses/JW Girl Hid Her Religion

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Expert: - 12/1/2010


Question
Dear Andrew
This year I learned that my girlfriend of 2 years has been a Jehovah's witness for 4 years. We've known each other for most of our lives and it was rather shocking to me when I had to figure it out myself. Feeling rather betrayed about the fact she didn't tell me over those years, I began to think to myself why she hadn't told me. When I asked her though, she said it was because I was an atheist and was too afraid to tell me. Considering her timid personality, that was totally understandable.
However when I began to learn about the Jehovah's witnesses more in depth and learning about the point that she believed their doctrines I was unmotivated. After all the time we've spent talking about evolution and how she doesn't believe in it and the effects on her thought process, I feel like we've gotten next to nowhere. With everyone outside of the hold of the Jehovah's witnesses she has an open mind, however when it comes to topics that they control she's unwilling to question their beliefs. My question is, how would I be able to show her the hold they have on her thinking. How to I show her the flawed way of thinking she has now? How controlled it is? How do I get her to keep an open mind about things?

Answer
Dear A. Hab,

Thank you for making your question public so others can benefit from your situation.

I'm sorry you suddenly found yourself in this difficult situation. I'm not sure I can help you do anything to effectively solve this problem as you might have hoped; but what I can do is help you understand your options.

As you already suspect, it is quite a red flag that you have been close to this woman for two years, and she kept such a central part of her life hidden from you. That by itself should give you pause. Don't be too quick to let her off the hook on that count. Think carefully about how that dynamic would affect your life together, should you and she be lifelong partners. Think this through with your HEAD, not your heart, as hard as that might be.

I think perhaps the key question was your last one: "How do I get her to keep an open mind about things?" This problem may be much more tangled than you might expect. It would be relatively easy in my opinion to influence people to KEEP an open mind who had always done so; but what you are faced with is a woman who has perhaps never done so; so more accurately in her case it would be a matter of GAINING an open mind, perhaps for the first time. This is no small matter. The longer she has been involved with the Witnesses, the more difficult this problem will be for her. Four years? If she has been seriously participating for four years, her indoctrination is probably complete, and there is little likelihood that you can change her mind.

Religious belief is one of the most tenacious and sensitive areas of a person's inner life, and cult mind control gives this particular religious system all the more tenacity over her, and creates a mine field for those who might want to help her. If you even try to...

"show her the hold they have on her thinking...the flawed way of thinking she has...how controlled it is"

...then it is much more likely she will label you an agent of the Devil than that you will actually get through to her in the way you hope to get through to her. Yes, it's possible that you might have an effect, if you prepare thoroughly, exercise immense patience, and stick with it for a period of years. But it's much more likely that the challenge will overwhelm you, or she will label you an agent of the Devil and end the relationship, or worse yet, that you will become ensnared by the same control tactics she has been.

I can't emphasize enough how many men got involved with Witness women, telling themselves that they would never give in, that they would never become a Witness. But water dripping on a rock can and does erode the rock over time. There are literally thousands of men in exactly your situation who eventually gave up their freedom of mind and became Witnesses. Those who stick with it and managed to keep their freedom of mind endure year after year of distortion in their home life and social life, especially relations with extended family. Is that what you're signing up for?

If you want to give her a few years of patient influence in the hope that she will wake up from this nightmare, I suggest you purchase the book "Releasing the Bonds" by Steven Hassan. Have it shipped to you overnight. Read THE WHOLE BOOK without her knowledge before you say another word to your girlfriend. It will help you figure out what to say.

Do not trust in your common sense. While I am normally an advocate of common sense, and I believe it does apply in most situations, this is one unusual situation where IT ABSOLUTELY DOES NOT APPLY. In all likelihood, nothing in your normal upbringing prepared you for the surreal experience that awaits you if you try to "deprogram" her. (By the way, there is no such thing as "deprogramming".)

There is a proper time to walk away. Only you can decide whether this is one of them. But if you stay, you can quite assuredly expect that you will need an immense reserve of patience, determination, and strategic planning just to get by, and the higher levels of relationship success are very likely unreachable.

Please let me know if I can help you further to navigate the insidious dynamics this kind of relationship presents. May you have success and patience and love and satisfaction. You deserve it.

Blessings,
AndrewXJW

Critics of Jehovah`s Witnesses

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I don't object to Witness theology, but rather their use of social pressure & deceptive manipulations to undermine family ties and control minds. (This may seem contradictory to Witnesses, who draw no distinction between spiritual belief and organizational policy.) I do not engage in theological debate. I support persons impacted by an experience with the Witnesses and advocate early education for everyone so that they can protect themselves from cults by understanding what to watch out for. (It's not what most people think.)

(Ex-)Witnesses: I know how upsetting it is to experience doubts (or anger) about your experience. Time does not heal this wound until you first remove the splinter, which takes more time and effort than you may realize. So, unless you have already put in that time and effort, don't be surprised if you are deeply affected long after the experience. But there is good news! You're NOT an enemy of God for doubting or for failing to meet the requirements of a human organization. An organization that lies cannot be the exclusive spokesman for the God of Truth. Tell me where you're at. I'll understand. I can show you how to begin or continue your recovery and make a life for yourself worth living.

Non-Witnesses: Describe your experience with your friend/relative who is (becoming) a Witness. I can help you understand the Witness indoctrination and social dynamics that are affecting him or her. I can help you put your options into perspective. Keep in mind that people do make their own choices (even though they may sometimes do so under outside influence) and you may not be able to affect this person's choices, even though they impact on you. After all, you do not have the arsenal of tactics that a cult does (and wouldn't want to). A few people manage to save their friend/relative, but don't count on it. What you can count on is navigating the maze more successfully by becoming more informed about your own options.

Experience

I was a Witness for 30 years, and a volunteer at their headquarters in Brooklyn, New York, for a year. I have attended meetings with many Witness congregations across the United States, a thorough cross-section, carefully observing patterns of behavior. Although being a Witness was difficult, and I gradually had more and more doubts about Witness teachings--I was a true believer, so I kept trying to make it work somehow. I stopped attending meetings in 1997 only after receiving an answer to a prayer about doing so, and have since been actively involved in recovery. This includes both my own and supporting others in theirs. Recovery can include reading books, communicating with others in recovery, and participating in support groups and/or therapy. It always involves reclaiming one's own mind and discovering the other sides of the issues that you have been blinded to in the past.

My gradual awakening was socially, psychologically, and spiritually tumultuous. I lost everything from my former life. My suffering was substantial.

But I have gained everything, so it was worth it. Only after beginning my recovery did I gain social, psychological, and spiritual healing and growth, peace of mind, and self-respect. Only then did I discover who I am; and--for the first time--the meaning of real brotherly love.

For more resources on this topic, try these web sites:
http://freeminds.org/
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/freedomofmind/



Education/Credentials
Like most Cult Recovery Counselors, I am a cult survivor. I have life experience, not professional training. Also I feel no need to apologize for that. People with professional training cannot understand what it is like to survive a cult unless they have been through it themselves, which few professional therapists have. Understanding what really happened and what works in this unusual social context is as important as psychological training. Most professional therapists are not specifically trained to support cult survivors. Those who are represent a rare and precious resource.

I sometimes refer people to professional therapists regarding deep personal issues. But surviving a cult is a broad experience with other dimensions. Professional therapy can be very helpful as part of your recovery process, assuming that you choose the right therapist. When choosing a therapist, remember that you are the client and they are a service provider. You are the one who holds authority about the relationship. You get to interview the therapist and decide which one to employ.

Be sure to ask what specific training and experience they have around recovery from cult mind control. Most therapists do not have relevant training. Some carry serious misunderstandings about what cult mind control is; and therefore will misunderstand your struggle. So it pays to be selective as a consumer of professional therapy services.

Past/Present Clients
The Witness organization is not like other churches. Most non-Witnesses really cannot imagine what it is like to be a Witness. The organization has unimaginably extensive rules and monitoring that affect every aspect of life, so there is no privacy and no sense of personal independence. "Independent thought" is considered their greatest "sin".

The organization insists on absolute conformity, and claims to directly represent God; so dissent is not tolerated, and authority is totalitarian. Being a Witness is more like living in China or the former Soviet Union than being a member of a religion as you know it. It was the research of Robert J. Lifton, who was studying--not religions--but totalitarian governments, who first began to illuminate the problem of religious cults around the world, which employ exactly the same tactics as totalitarian governments. His work remains a cornerstone for Cult Recovery Counselors still today. (This may be why many governments are tolerant of cults, to avoid exposing their own control tactics.)

Witnesses often experience unusually dysfunctional lives and an extensive array of personal problems stemming from broken family ties, stunted social development, inner unrest resulting from repressed doubts, inability to defend boundaries, and an extreme, persistent feeling of irrational shame. I can help people impacted by an experience with the Witnesses by revealing in detail the policies and social dynamics in the Witness organization that cause these problems.

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