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Critics of Jehovah`s Witnesses/A Deeply Ingrained Habit of Mind Games

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Expert: - 2/27/2010


Question
My boyfriend basically courted me for months trying to get me to go out with him. He was always a gentlemen and was exceptionally attentative and vowed to never give up asking me out.  Finally I agreed and had a surprisingly great time.  He has met my family, however after 18 months, I have not been introduced to his family.  I have mentioned it and he appeared to change.  I am so confused in that he had been relentless in his pursuit of me and most recently he has become almost deceiving in his behaviors.  I get the impression that he is playing mind games so to speak.  Just like the bigger version of his personality change, on a smaller scale....he builds things up like planning a trip together and creating my excitement on what he has planned, then out of no where he will 'create' something that eliminates this trip or 'prize' and then he elminates all contact.  Knowing I should be angry about his stunt, I then become 'manipulated' so to speak in to feeling that I must reach out to him to bring him around because I am now in love with him.  The situation is turned around in such a way that his 'punishing' eliminates my urge to be angry and subconsciously creates my need to 'patch' things up while he should be the one patching things up.  I am manipulated because I love him, and he knows this so he can turn things around so they work out in his favor.  When I have become fed up and walk out, ONLY then does he renew his good behavior in an effort to patch things up without ever apologizing.  The sad thing is that I believe that we do love each other and both my son and myself adore him when he is not Mr. Hyde.

Answer
I'm sorry you've had a difficult experience with your lover, who is a Witness.

I suggest you count your blessings. You are aware enough to recognize what is happening and therefore you can make a conscious choice about how you will respond. Many people get caught up in such manipulations and are never fully aware of even what is happening, much less who is responsible for what.

At this moment, you know that he is responsible for his mental gymnastics, and for having unwittingly deceived you by pretending to be much more "together" than he is. If you elect to stay with him, you are at risk of becoming a Witness, and instead of having the mental clarity you now have, you will gradually sink into the darkness with him, and be unable to recognize what is happening or what can be done or even who is responsible.

I think it is unlikely that your lover will change any time soon, as such dishonest manpulations, or passive aggressive behaviors, if you will, are deeply ingrained habits for typical Witnesses. That is, they are so accustomed to playing mind games with themselves in order to repress doubts about their totalitarian social regime, and thereby remain "faithful to God" that they cannot even stop playing mind games with themselves, much less with others.

So knowing that such behaviors run very deeply into the habituated behaviors of your lover, and he cannot just "wake up" and stop behaving this way without determination on his part to pursue a recovery program, and in view of the fact that he does not have any such determination, and therefore is unlikely to pursue such a recovery program, what will you choose about the future viability of this relationship?

All I can do is help you see what is real so you can make an informed decision about what to do next. I wish you had asked me before you got involved; as it would have been less painful for you to hear the truth and adjust your course at that time. What is that expression--a ship off course by only one degree can miss a continent? illustrating that a minor adjustment earlier can have a major consequence later.

It is completely unfair that people can be so unwittingly deceptive, to appear to be one thing, and actually turn out to be something entirely different. Although your lover may have been an attentative gentleman, and even charming, you had no way of knowing the extraordinary challenge hidden deep within. There is no easy fix. I imagine it is difficult for you to hear this. It is difficult for me to tell you.

But at least you can cut your losses and not have to waste another 50 years of your life with dishonest mind games like many people do. The truth is always better, even if it is painful to hear, because with it, you can make an informed decision.

Peace and comfort,
Andrew

Critics of Jehovah`s Witnesses

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I don't object to Witness theology, but rather their use of social pressure & deceptive manipulations to undermine family ties and control minds. (This may seem contradictory to Witnesses, who draw no distinction between spiritual belief and organizational policy.) I do not engage in theological debate. I support persons impacted by an experience with the Witnesses and advocate early education for everyone so that they can protect themselves from cults by understanding what to watch out for. (It's not what most people think.)

(Ex-)Witnesses: I know how upsetting it is to experience doubts (or anger) about your experience. Time does not heal this wound until you first remove the splinter, which takes more time and effort than you may realize. So, unless you have already put in that time and effort, don't be surprised if you are deeply affected long after the experience. But there is good news! You're NOT an enemy of God for doubting or for failing to meet the requirements of a human organization. An organization that lies cannot be the exclusive spokesman for the God of Truth. Tell me where you're at. I'll understand. I can show you how to begin or continue your recovery and make a life for yourself worth living.

Non-Witnesses: Describe your experience with your friend/relative who is (becoming) a Witness. I can help you understand the Witness indoctrination and social dynamics that are affecting him or her. I can help you put your options into perspective. Keep in mind that people do make their own choices (even though they may sometimes do so under outside influence) and you may not be able to affect this person's choices, even though they impact on you. After all, you do not have the arsenal of tactics that a cult does (and wouldn't want to). A few people manage to save their friend/relative, but don't count on it. What you can count on is navigating the maze more successfully by becoming more informed about your own options.

Experience

I was a Witness for 30 years, and a volunteer at their headquarters in Brooklyn, New York, for a year. I have attended meetings with many Witness congregations across the United States, a thorough cross-section, carefully observing patterns of behavior. Although being a Witness was difficult, and I gradually had more and more doubts about Witness teachings--I was a true believer, so I kept trying to make it work somehow. I stopped attending meetings in 1997 only after receiving an answer to a prayer about doing so, and have since been actively involved in recovery. This includes both my own and supporting others in theirs. Recovery can include reading books, communicating with others in recovery, and participating in support groups and/or therapy. It always involves reclaiming one's own mind and discovering the other sides of the issues that you have been blinded to in the past.

My gradual awakening was socially, psychologically, and spiritually tumultuous. I lost everything from my former life. My suffering was substantial.

But I have gained everything, so it was worth it. Only after beginning my recovery did I gain social, psychological, and spiritual healing and growth, peace of mind, and self-respect. Only then did I discover who I am; and--for the first time--the meaning of real brotherly love.

For more resources on this topic, try these web sites:
http://freeminds.org/
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/freedomofmind/



Education/Credentials
Like most Cult Recovery Counselors, I am a cult survivor. I have life experience, not professional training. Also I feel no need to apologize for that. People with professional training cannot understand what it is like to survive a cult unless they have been through it themselves, which few professional therapists have. Understanding what really happened and what works in this unusual social context is as important as psychological training. Most professional therapists are not specifically trained to support cult survivors. Those who are represent a rare and precious resource.

I sometimes refer people to professional therapists regarding deep personal issues. But surviving a cult is a broad experience with other dimensions. Professional therapy can be very helpful as part of your recovery process, assuming that you choose the right therapist. When choosing a therapist, remember that you are the client and they are a service provider. You are the one who holds authority about the relationship. You get to interview the therapist and decide which one to employ.

Be sure to ask what specific training and experience they have around recovery from cult mind control. Most therapists do not have relevant training. Some carry serious misunderstandings about what cult mind control is; and therefore will misunderstand your struggle. So it pays to be selective as a consumer of professional therapy services.

Past/Present Clients
The Witness organization is not like other churches. Most non-Witnesses really cannot imagine what it is like to be a Witness. The organization has unimaginably extensive rules and monitoring that affect every aspect of life, so there is no privacy and no sense of personal independence. "Independent thought" is considered their greatest "sin".

The organization insists on absolute conformity, and claims to directly represent God; so dissent is not tolerated, and authority is totalitarian. Being a Witness is more like living in China or the former Soviet Union than being a member of a religion as you know it. It was the research of Robert J. Lifton, who was studying--not religions--but totalitarian governments, who first began to illuminate the problem of religious cults around the world, which employ exactly the same tactics as totalitarian governments. His work remains a cornerstone for Cult Recovery Counselors still today. (This may be why many governments are tolerant of cults, to avoid exposing their own control tactics.)

Witnesses often experience unusually dysfunctional lives and an extensive array of personal problems stemming from broken family ties, stunted social development, inner unrest resulting from repressed doubts, inability to defend boundaries, and an extreme, persistent feeling of irrational shame. I can help people impacted by an experience with the Witnesses by revealing in detail the policies and social dynamics in the Witness organization that cause these problems.

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