Expert: Andrew - 3/16/2010

Question
Hi Andrew,

Many thanks in advance for taking the time to answer my question. I have quickly read your responses to other questions this morning and admire the way you write. As an ex-Witness, I would like to hear your thoughts on a situation that I am slightly concerned about.

My father-in-law to be is a Jehovah’s Witness (converted around 15 years ago), although no other member of his family are. His daughter and I have been in a relationship now for 6 years and we are planning to move to Spain – to the town where my girlfriend’s family reside – in the summer. In fact, I shall be moving over there 2 months before my girlfriend to start in a new job and will be living with my in-laws to be during this time.

I have built up a good relationship with him over the 6 years, however due to living in the U.K. I only see him once or twice a year. In many ways we are similar people; we both like to engage in frank and interesting discussions about many topics – e.g. we both share a great interest in animals and science. I am concerned however (and have noticed increasingly), that the more time we spend with each other, the more difficult it becomes to have an open and interesting discussion about many topics without his strong theological viewpoint affecting the conversation.

I would describe myself as having well thought out non-religious views and have a great passion for intellectual honesty and reasoning, based on knowledge of science, psychology and moral philosophy, all of which are subjects that have interested me greatly since my teens. I have spent years casually studying science, including evolutionary biology and astronomy.
Recently, when talking with my father in law to be, he has increasingly begun to make statements during casual conversations, which counter all evidence-based knowledge and display a real ignorance of facts. I do get very frustrated by him; though I have done well not to show any of this so far thus preserving our healthy relationship. I have however, had to basically keep quiet when he utters, what to me are absurdities, and fear that the more time I spend with him, the more I am going to be pressed to put across my views, which I know will anger him and cause disharmony.

I know I must resist the urge (and I have a strong urge – mainly due to the arrogance and patronising tone he adopts with no evidence to justify his beliefs and poor reasoning) to take him to task over his beliefs, as I feel I am well-armed to do this – I have read a number of books by ex-Witnesses, Captives of a Concept, Crisis of Conscience, plus could articulate my scientific knowledge of evolution etc. very well. I must resist this not only because it will inevitably create tension between him and I, but also because any success I may have in reasoning with him (though improbable) may create a very painful situation for him. I foresee him talking to me more and more about his beliefs and awaiting responses.

My current plan of action would be a response something akin to: (politely of course!) “I would rather not get into discussions of this sort with you. I am aware of Jehovah’s Witness beliefs and know that you and I would disagree on many things, but I don’t think this has to be important as we have always got along very well and I always enjoy talking with you”. If asked what views I have I would state as above “well thought out non-religious views” – as “atheist” may well send him into a spin. I would hope that from this point onward we could carry on as normal (as we do get along well) but with a bit of a barrier erected dissuading him from talking about evolution, astronomy and JW theology.

Ultimately, though I am disappointed that I will always have to maintain a certain amount of distance between us in this respect, as I am moving away from my family and would like to get as close as possible to my girlfriend’s family.

Please let me know what you think of my planned response above, and I would be grateful for any insights you could offer me as to how to best deal with this situation.
Many thanks again for your time,
Mark

Answer
Dear Mark,

Thank you for making your question public so that others can benefit from your experience.

Also, thank you for stating your question so clearly. I think I understand the scenario you're facing, thanks to your clarity. It is very good for you that your girlfriend is not a Witness; that will vastly simplify your future relationship.

It is perhaps merely only a long term annoyance that her father is a Witness, complicated by the fact you'll be temporarily living in his house. However, a missing puzzle piece that might help you in this situation is to understand the probable why. Why does he discuss Witness theology and dogma with you? If you understand his motives, then you may be better able to navigate the situation.

If your father-in-law is like most Witnesses, he believes that the end of the world is imminent, that God will destroy a wicked world, and most of it's inhabitants. Due to having lived a life "faithful to God's will", he probably hopes to be one of the few survivors. He probably believes his daughter will die because she is not a Witnes, and naturally does not want her to die, that is, to survive without her. He probably hopes that he can influence you to become a Witness, and that you, in turn, would influence his daughter to become a Witness, thus saving her life, from his point of view. This is a very high-stakes game for the Witnesses. They really believe that non-Witnesses will die in the near future. Try to put yourself in his shoes.

If he finds that there is really no prospect at all for converting you, he will be disappointed, and feel once again powerless to save his daughter. He probably felt powerless in this way for most of the past 15 years, and now, through you, has been granted a reprieve from that sense of powerlessness. It will be hard for him to discover that he has no hope of converting you.

So, if you wish to preserve harmony in your relationship with your father-in-law, let him down ever so gently. It is difficult to be honest and yet sensitive to the unrealistic expectations of others. I recognize the difficulty you face. Yet if you manage to walk the razor's edge between honesty and forthrightness, upon which every healthy relationship is founded, and sensitivity to his experience, I think that would have the best likelihood of success. Success is by no means guaranteed, of course. It is innately a tinder box you are dealing with. I hope you can walk that razor's edge more successfully by understanding the situation better with my help.

So although I think your general plan is sound, do not be surprised if he does not accept the disappointment as calmly as another man would. If he expressive, he may be "sent into a spin" no matter how carefully you state your case, just by virtue of the fact that he no longer has the hope of converting his daughter (thus supposedly saving her life) through you. If he is stoic, he may respond in a contained way, and later treat you passive-aggressively.

I do not advocate dishonesty. No healthy relationship is founded on dishonesty. However, you really may not have any hope of a healthy relationship with your father-in-law. If you don't feel you can reasonably navigate the maze, you might choose to be less forthcoming with him. That is, you might choose to allow him his fantasy that he can someday convert his daughter through you, thus "saving her life". The net effect would be that he continues to engage with you in a positive way (advantage), and that he continues to try to influence you to become a Witness (disadvantage). Of course, this is a trade off.

That being said, if you choose to "go through the motions" for the sake of harmony, beware of the very real danger of having your resolve gradually eroded. Many people in relationship with Witnesses have told themselves, "I will never convert", then had their decision eroded gradually over time and ultimately became Witnesses, losing their freedom of mind and destroying a broader array of relationships with family and lifelong friends.

Witnesses are masters at influencing people. Converting people is their only goal. Their intentions are good, but they are not honest with themselves or others in the process. They claim to speak for God as a specially-appointed spokesman, in effect, yet are not intellectually honest about the nature of that appointment. (They speak out of one side of their mouth to say they are not an prophet appointed by God, and out of the other side to say that they are.) The leadership is vague and manipulative on this point, as most churches are. So Witnesses are not only dishonest with others, but even with themselves in this regard. There is no malice, just tremendous misguidedness.

If your father-in-law is like most Witnesses, his tactic is to use gradually increasing pressure with you, toward the end of converting you. It may become more and more unpleasant for you over time. It will perhaps become necessary at some point to take a stand for yourself in order to retain your own freedoms in this awkward situation. So you may not be ABLE to allow him his fantasy, even if you might otherwise choose to do so.

If I were in your shoes, I would try to find another place to stay as quickly as possible upon arriving in Spain. The more access your father-in-law has to you during your stay, the more difficult it will be for you to preserve a harmonious relationship.

Or so goes my perspective. I do not know to what degree it will apply in you case; as always I describe TYPICAL Witness behavior, which varies by individual and to some degree by country.

Best wishes,
AndrewXJW