Critics of Jehovah`s Witnesses/Having Escaped a Bullet, Yet in Pain

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Expert: - 7/22/2010


Question
Hello Andrew,
I love the way that you write...this is the first information that I have read that really helps me to understand Witnesses.  Our son is 27 years old, a musician--several CD's out becoming well known.  We'll just call him "T."  He has been dating a girl--23 years old--for about four months.  She is great---we love her!  I am a strong Christian although "T" is somewhat agnostic, has questions.  Yesterday, "R" ended things with "T."  He is devastated.  "R" is a Jehovah's Witness and has shared her Watchtower pamphlets with "T."  However, she did not share with her parents that she was dating "T" until just a few days ago--and only with her mother, not her older sister or her father.  Her mother told "R" not to wait too long to tell her father (?)  I understand that the grandmother is a pioneer, although I am not sure what this is.  We adore this girl and we have no clue what has happened--we really do miss her.  Any ideas?  Thanks so much, Karen

Answer
Dear Karen,

Thanks for making your question & answer public so that others can benefit from your experience. I'm glad my column has given you clarity on a difficult and cloudy issue.

As you may or may not know, the Jehovah's Witnesses have very extensive and unusual policies and rules of behavior for their members; and these rules all have one central purpose: To erode the relationships of Witnesses with their non-Witness family and friends. The more disconnected a Witness' personal habits and customs become from their family and former friends, the more dependent they become on the Witness community; and that is the core purpose of Witness policy, because creating that dependence means the Witness leadership has a very effective weapon to use in enforcing their power. To be cut off from one's family, community, entire social world is a very strong motivator which makes Witnesses "tow the line" and conform in thought and word and deed with every whim of Witness leadership.

As a non-Witness, you may not have been aware of how extensive such controls are, and how much social distress occurs when Witnesses and non-Witnesses are involved together. Most non-Witnesses really cannot fathom it.

It is likely that your son's girlfriend broke it off because it became clear to her that he would not become a Witness, being the agnostic with good critical thinking faculties that he is. She likely held to a fantasy previously that eventually his resolve would wear down and he would join her. When faced with the reality that she had to choose between her boyfriend and her God (in the way Witnesses would mentally frame the situation), she chose her "God", which means her "spiritual" community, and it's way of perceiving the world.

Although this may be devastating to your son and yourself now, I really believe it will be less painful to you in the long run. Had they remained together, imagine some day having your grandchildren avoid you because you are "worldly" (the Witness term for non-Witnesses). Imagine your grandchildren being raised in a mind control cult, and the more you learn about how it works, the more you would groan in pain for them, yet be able to do nothing about it. Imagine your son no longer attending family functions, as he gradually loses his personal freedoms in order to please a more and more demanding wife.

Witnesses do very often display laudable personal qualities, and this makes them appear to be good friends and good potential relatives. But scratch that surface and you find a very different story. Although this is painful for you in the short term, I am very glad for your son that he has escaped a fate far worse. I suggest you allow this to pass, and support one another until it does. That is what family does. Witnesses have no clue about this; but you still do, and your son still does. Cherish that you and he will preserve that precious habit.

My family is fractured beyond hope, and has no concept of mutual support. May your family not end up like mine.

Best wishes,
AndrewXJW

Critics of Jehovah`s Witnesses

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I don't object to Witness theology, but rather their use of social pressure & deceptive manipulations to undermine family ties and control minds. (This may seem contradictory to Witnesses, who draw no distinction between spiritual belief and organizational policy.) I do not engage in theological debate. I support persons impacted by an experience with the Witnesses and advocate early education for everyone so that they can protect themselves from cults by understanding what to watch out for. (It's not what most people think.)

(Ex-)Witnesses: I know how upsetting it is to experience doubts (or anger) about your experience. Time does not heal this wound until you first remove the splinter, which takes more time and effort than you may realize. So, unless you have already put in that time and effort, don't be surprised if you are deeply affected long after the experience. But there is good news! You're NOT an enemy of God for doubting or for failing to meet the requirements of a human organization. An organization that lies cannot be the exclusive spokesman for the God of Truth. Tell me where you're at. I'll understand. I can show you how to begin or continue your recovery and make a life for yourself worth living.

Non-Witnesses: Describe your experience with your friend/relative who is (becoming) a Witness. I can help you understand the Witness indoctrination and social dynamics that are affecting him or her. I can help you put your options into perspective. Keep in mind that people do make their own choices (even though they may sometimes do so under outside influence) and you may not be able to affect this person's choices, even though they impact on you. After all, you do not have the arsenal of tactics that a cult does (and wouldn't want to). A few people manage to save their friend/relative, but don't count on it. What you can count on is navigating the maze more successfully by becoming more informed about your own options.

Experience

I was a Witness for 30 years, and a volunteer at their headquarters in Brooklyn, New York, for a year. I have attended meetings with many Witness congregations across the United States, a thorough cross-section, carefully observing patterns of behavior. Although being a Witness was difficult, and I gradually had more and more doubts about Witness teachings--I was a true believer, so I kept trying to make it work somehow. I stopped attending meetings in 1997 only after receiving an answer to a prayer about doing so, and have since been actively involved in recovery. This includes both my own and supporting others in theirs. Recovery can include reading books, communicating with others in recovery, and participating in support groups and/or therapy. It always involves reclaiming one's own mind and discovering the other sides of the issues that you have been blinded to in the past.

My gradual awakening was socially, psychologically, and spiritually tumultuous. I lost everything from my former life. My suffering was substantial.

But I have gained everything, so it was worth it. Only after beginning my recovery did I gain social, psychological, and spiritual healing and growth, peace of mind, and self-respect. Only then did I discover who I am; and--for the first time--the meaning of real brotherly love.

For more resources on this topic, try these web sites:
http://freeminds.org/
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/freedomofmind/



Education/Credentials
Like most Cult Recovery Counselors, I am a cult survivor. I have life experience, not professional training. Also I feel no need to apologize for that. People with professional training cannot understand what it is like to survive a cult unless they have been through it themselves, which few professional therapists have. Understanding what really happened and what works in this unusual social context is as important as psychological training. Most professional therapists are not specifically trained to support cult survivors. Those who are represent a rare and precious resource.

I sometimes refer people to professional therapists regarding deep personal issues. But surviving a cult is a broad experience with other dimensions. Professional therapy can be very helpful as part of your recovery process, assuming that you choose the right therapist. When choosing a therapist, remember that you are the client and they are a service provider. You are the one who holds authority about the relationship. You get to interview the therapist and decide which one to employ.

Be sure to ask what specific training and experience they have around recovery from cult mind control. Most therapists do not have relevant training. Some carry serious misunderstandings about what cult mind control is; and therefore will misunderstand your struggle. So it pays to be selective as a consumer of professional therapy services.

Past/Present Clients
The Witness organization is not like other churches. Most non-Witnesses really cannot imagine what it is like to be a Witness. The organization has unimaginably extensive rules and monitoring that affect every aspect of life, so there is no privacy and no sense of personal independence. "Independent thought" is considered their greatest "sin".

The organization insists on absolute conformity, and claims to directly represent God; so dissent is not tolerated, and authority is totalitarian. Being a Witness is more like living in China or the former Soviet Union than being a member of a religion as you know it. It was the research of Robert J. Lifton, who was studying--not religions--but totalitarian governments, who first began to illuminate the problem of religious cults around the world, which employ exactly the same tactics as totalitarian governments. His work remains a cornerstone for Cult Recovery Counselors still today. (This may be why many governments are tolerant of cults, to avoid exposing their own control tactics.)

Witnesses often experience unusually dysfunctional lives and an extensive array of personal problems stemming from broken family ties, stunted social development, inner unrest resulting from repressed doubts, inability to defend boundaries, and an extreme, persistent feeling of irrational shame. I can help people impacted by an experience with the Witnesses by revealing in detail the policies and social dynamics in the Witness organization that cause these problems.

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