Expert: Andrew - 7/31/2010

Question
I am a Christian woman. I am divorced with 2 young boys. I began dating a witness about 6 months ago. (My views differ slightly from most religious groups because I don't think just because I person believes differently doesn't mean they are damned.) In the beginning we had the religion conversation and we agreed that that part of our lives would be separate. After much prayer and thought I came to grips with the fact that we would never go to church together or spend holidays together, I was fine with it, I THOUGHT he was also. Recently he began discussing it again and was very adamant about carrying on a conversation that I was not comfortable with and told him so. After a rather heated argument he apologized and said that he was "holding out hope". I told him once again that there would never be a time that I would convert to his religion and he said he would never mention it again.
I just can’t seem to get this conversation out of my head. I am afraid that this is something that will not stop and I don’t want myself or my children to become more attached to someone if this is not something he can come to grips with.
Last night he told me that I COULDN'T get a tattoo or there would be a problem. I am rather upset with this controlling behavior and wonder if this is typical of the witness men.

Answer
Dear Melissa,

It is unsurprising to me that your fiance would "hold out hope" that you would some day become a Witness. The alternative is very stark, from his point of view. Witnesses believe that Armageddon will arrive very soon, probably within the next few years, certainly within their lifetime; and that non-Witnesses will die at God's hands at Armageddon. If he cares about you, he does not want you to die. This sequence of "probable" events, from their point of view, is not conjecture nor faith nor spiritually controversial. It is simply what will happen, from their point of view. If he believes the teachings of the Witness organization, as most Witnesses do, then it would be difficult for him to ever let go of hope that you would eventually become a Witness, because the alternative is that you will die at Armageddon within the next few years, from his point of view. His agreement to respect your wishes and not to bring it up for discussion will probably pale in comparison to the urgency of his wish to protect you from certain death.

The Witnesses have been teaching for about 135 years now that Armageddon is within the next few years, constantly changing the target dates of their predictions to be in the immediate future, like dangling a carrot before a horse. When a date shifts, as it frequently has done, the followers don't seem to object or even notice, because they are subject to deep mental conditioning, and because their critical thinking faculties have been impaired by such conditioning. If I were you, I would be more concerned about what effects that conditioning would have on my family than whether he brings up an unwelcome topic of conversation.

Witnesses practice gender roles in marriage similar to those that were considered normal in mainstream culture in the late nineteenth century. Mainstream culture has changed considerably in that respect since that time, but Witness culture has not, because Witnesses are seperatists in terms of culture. Because of his continuing conditioning at Witness meetings, he is likely to have expectations for a marriage partner that are based, not only on the private agreements between the two of you, but also based in part on Witness culture.

Just as you likely have unspoken expectations of what marriage should be, based on your cultural background, so does he. The problem is that the two of you come from different cultural backgrounds, and therefore those unspoken expectations will differ, so a much greater number of specific agreements will need to be articulated in your case in order to enjoy the same degree of peace and mutuality compared to a couple with similar cultural backgrounds. The sheer volume of necessary articulate agreements can become quite awkward, if not impossible, in such cases.

Witnesses are wrong about using cult mind control to impair freedom of mind and erode family ties. But mainstream feminism has done more to impair freedom of mind and erode family ties than the Witnesses have. In some respects, the Witnesses are more correct than mainstream culture, as influenced by radical feminism, and I believe this includes their attitudes toward marriage. While the Witnesses do cause damage, they affect only tens of millions of people, while feminism affects billions. Divorce rates among Witnesses is extremely low; while mainstream divorce, thanks to feminism, is now as high as 50%. The dynamics and causes behind this deserve a closer look.

Your fiance as a Witness is taught to believe that a husband properly takes a leadership role in the family, that harmony matters, and that it is achieved through kind selfless leadership on his part, and gracious surrender on your part. If you disagree, and your beliefs and values are consistent with mainstream culture (where the ethic of absolute sameness creates vigilant boundary maintenance and contention), then marriage would probably mean something very different for you than for him.

Of course servility, defeatism, or resignation would be unacceptable for a wife in any century, but I believe it is a mistake on the part of modern historians to equate the gracious surrender of a supportive wife for the sake of trust and harmony (which was typical in traditional culture) with these dark things; just as it is a mistake to equate the gentle selfless leadership of a loving husband with domination or oppression. Just as there is a dark side to both possibilities, likewise there is a bright side.

As I understand it, Christianity teaches the bright side of marriage, while feminism teaches the dark side. Feminist writers have made no attempt to hide the fact that they have been seeking to undermine marriage in every form, which means eroding the family itself. In large measure, they have been successful, but it is not too late. All we have to do is wake up and make our own choices rather than accept the ones we've been spoon fed.

Feminist ideology has dominated mainstream culture in the late 20th and early 21st centuries, and that has had an impact on all of us. Many have been influenced in ways that are not consistent with their own values and choices. Most men and women do not agree with the imbalanced radical feminism that is now being extensively funded by governments in order to weaken families, making it easier for governments to control citizens.

In effect, feminism is a cult just as the Witnesses are a cult. We should be asking ourselves why governments are funding radical ideologies that most citizens don't agree with. As usual, follow the money and power to find out.

Current mainstream culture, influenced by government-funded radical feminism, tends to use very selective vision in order to promote a fixed agenda about gender roles. It frames past attitudes toward marriage in a dark light, and downplays the ways in which present attitudes toward marriage are dark. Family interests come before selfish personal interests, not vice versa.

Marriage doesn't work anymore, the way it is practiced in the mainstream, as illustrated by very high divorce rates. Strong families are ceasing to exist on a massive scale, as more and more children are being raised in single families, and more and more of them are ending up in prisons. I think it behooves us to consider the brighter side of traditional marriage rather than to continue painting it as evil. What is truly evil is destroying the lives of children so that adults are all "free" to pursue selfish interests; especially considering that the selfish "interests" of adults aren't even in the adults' best interests: Contentiously guarding personal boundaries and pursuing selfish interests in an effort to prove and maintain artificial sameness doesn't bring anyone satisfaction or joy. Harmoniously erasing boundaries, trusting your partner to guard your rights, and appreciating complimentary differences between the sexes does!

I believe your concept of a "controlling" husband is a product of imbalanced feminist ideology, which has damaged families long enough. That is why feminism is on the way out. You will have a more successful marriage with whichever man you choose to marry, when you reclaim your mind from it's effects. We each have to reclaim our minds, not only from cults like the Jehovah's Witnesses, but also from cults like feminism; and apply our own personal values rather than accepting those that have been fed to us.

Just as importantly, if you and your fiance are not "on the same page" about what to expect in a future life together, you are not likely to find mutual happiness. I hope this perspective is of some value to you as you consider how to respond to your difficult situation. I hope you find peace, ease, and comfort.

Best wishes,
AndrewXJW