Expert: Gordon Cook - 9/18/2010

Question
My boyfriend is a JW and I'm not. His whole family practices that religion and they seem very devout and conservative. My boyfriends family does not know we are dating, he keeps me a secret. When we first started dating I did not know he had no intentions of telling anyone, until I noticed that every time he wanted to hang out or see me he was sneaking around behind his parents back. When I asked him why he did that he told me it is because he is not allowed to date outside his religion and his parents would not approve. We are still dating but this situation just makes it hard on both of us. I want it to work so bad, I want an honest relationship and he cant give me that. I love him but he is not allowed to love me back.

I have hopes that if he tells his parents they will understand and except us, but its not likely. I just wish he would stand up to his parents and tell them where they can go if they don't like it. But I understand what could happen if people from his congregation find out he is with me. He as a lot to lose so I sympathize with him.

It seems to me at times that he is leading this double life. He is one person with his Jehovah's witness family and friends and he is a another with me. It is almost like he is having his cake and eating it too. He gets what he wants from me and since his family has no idea about me they continue to approve of him. But then on the other hand at times he shows signs of not being completely indoctrinated or brain washed. If he was he would not be dating me. He also does not belief in the whole no sex before marriage thing and he thinks its okay to date outside your religion. Which show me he has some doubts about his religion. And that gives me hope that maybe one day he will wake up and see how false his religion really is.

So my question is how can I go about helping him see that the watchtower society is controlling him and his family. How can I possibly get him out of this cult? I don't know much about the bible but I'm willing to learn. How can I get him to abandon his religion?  

Answer
This is about the 3-4th question dealing with this subject that I have recently had.
You boyfriend is doing something that is totally frowned on by JWs, dating a non-JW person, even worse if you are having sex as well, which you seem to hint at. If he is a baptised JW and they find out then he could be disfellowshipped. This would mean that no other JW, even his own family could have anything to do with him.
You are correct in saying that he will lose a lot if it comes out.

Now on the other hand, to be blunt here, the way you describe your relationship "he gets what he wants from me" then he goes back to his JW way of life. As a JW and he was dating a JW girl, he would not be able to have sex with her. (Thats not to say that it doesn't happen)
Plus if he dates a JW girl, according them, it must be with a view to marriage.
I suggest that on this you have a straight talk with him.

As to getting him out of the JWs. You need to show how the Watchtower organisation is controlling them. Learning the Bible does not mean it will help. Even those that know the Bible well, have a tough time trying to convince JWs they are wrong. The Watchtower controls through fear. Their teachings are such they portray the world outside the organisation, is evil. That it is under Satans control and therefore cannot be trusted. Disobey the Watchtower and you find yourself as I said completely cut off from any JW family and friends.
If you wish to learn about JW teachings have a look at :
www.jwfacts.com

But you do need to have a straight talk with him. You need to confront him over how is treating you. The situation sounds to one-sided, in your words "he is getting what he wants from you"  but what are you getting from him.