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Critics of Jehovah`s Witnesses/Must Distinguish Clearly Whether Baptized
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Question
Hi Andrew,
I'm a 28 year-old female, and was raised in a Baptist/Methodist family. We have rich traditions of celebrating birthdays, Christmas, Mother's Day, etc. While I don't attend church regularly, I live a Christian lifestyle.
Over 8 months ago, I started dating a wonderful man. He's 35 years old and was raised as a Jehovah's Witness. His family (parents, two brothers and their wives) are all active witnesses. We've gotten pretty serious, and I'm scared.
With the holiday season upon us, things have been interesting. He did join my family for Thanksgiving dinner and will join us for Christmas Dinner as well as opening gifts. He is more than willing to do this. In fact, he even arranged for us to take a helicopter ride to look at Christmas lights this weekend.
He doesn't knock on doors, go to Kingdom Hall or "preach" to me about converting. Is he considered inactive? His family has been welcoming to me and our relationship. And, honestly, I've never been happier. Our relationship is amazing ... my family adores him, and we all just have the best time together.
What I'm scared about is having children. If we marry (he talks about us marrying often), I definitely want children. He knows I'll raise them celebrating holidays and birthdays, and if they need a blood transfusion, so be it! He says this is fine, but is it really? Are things likely to change? He was aware of my faith from the start, but I learned of his a few months into the relationship. If he were devout, why would he have pursued me?
I'm just very confused. I don't want to end the relationship. Do you have any insight on a marriage between a JW and a non-JW working or not working? Any advice is greatly appreciated.
Thanks,
Melissa
Dear Melissa,
Since you say your fiance is a Witness, I assume this means he is a baptized Witness. If he was never baptized, then a mostly different scenario may apply. So YOU MUST TELL ME whether he's unbaptized or baptized/inactive before I can really give you any relevant information. If he was never baptized, then he is not a Witness, even though his parents may be.
Assuming he is baptized/inactive, I completely understand the reason you're scared. You should trust your intuition on this. Your fiance will be considered the "black sheep" of his family for dating you, a non-Witness. They are very likely exerting pressure on him to reconsider, even though they may be friendly toward you. EXPECT DUPLICITY. If children are born, your in-laws are very likely to be the most difficult in-laws you can imagine, because they believe that in order to save the lives of their grandchildren, they will have to manipulate and strategically influence your children to become Witnesses. All active Witnesses believe non-Witnesses will die at God's hand in Armageddon, which they believe to be "just around the corner". (They may be right about Armageddon, but they are wrong to believe they have a special "in" with God.) If your fiance is baptized/inactive, you should trust your intuition and think twice about the problems you would be inheriting by pursuing this relationship.
On the other hand, you also say "he doesn't go to the Kingdom Hall". There are also children who grow up in Witness families and are never baptized. Some children, bless them, are wise enough to say, "no, I don't want to be baptized" before the age of 13, which is typical for Witness baptism. (Or his family may have converted to the Witnesses after he grew up and was on his own.)
In those cases, which might apply to your fiance, most of the social pressures that would normally apply may not apply in his/your case. Despite their many errors, the Witnesses do believe in a form of free will. (Naturally, they have a few things right.) If they are among the more liberal Witnesses, which they might be, based on your statement that "his family has been welcoming to me", and he is unbaptized, then they may think of him as "not knowing any better" and therefore not hold him to the impossible standards that they otherwise would. If your in-laws are active Witnesses, they would still try to manipulate your children to become Witnesses, believing that that is the only way to save their lives. So you would always have to be on guard about time your children spend with their Witness grandparents, and YOU WOULD BE ESPECIALLY WELL ADVISED TO INNOCULATE YOUR CHILDREN against cult mind control tactics through early education and especially in advance of visits to their grandparents' house.
Based on what you've told me, the most immediate and direct concern between you and your fiance might be, if he is a Witness, why did he not disclose this to you earlier? Is this a form of duplicity? Will he later change his mind, settle down, and want to go back to his "roots" as many inactive Witnesses do later in life (especially when children make them reconsider their life direction)? That is a serious concern, and would create great difficulty for you, UNLESS he was never baptized to begin with, in which case your risk is quite a bit less.
I hope this is helpful. I'm sorry you face this difficult situation. Please let me know if I can offer any further specific information.
Best wishes,
AndrewXJW
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Andrew
Expertise
I don't object to Witness theology, but rather their use of social pressure & deceptive manipulations to undermine family ties and control minds. (This may seem contradictory to Witnesses, who draw no distinction between spiritual belief and organizational policy.) I do not engage in theological debate. I support persons impacted by an experience with the Witnesses and advocate early education for everyone so that they can protect themselves from cults by understanding what to watch out for. (It's not what most people think.)
(Ex-)Witnesses: I know how upsetting it is to experience doubts (or anger) about your experience. Time does not heal this wound until you first remove the splinter, which takes more time and effort than you may realize. So, unless you have already put in that time and effort, don't be surprised if you are deeply affected long after the experience. But there is good news! You're NOT an enemy of God for doubting or for failing to meet the requirements of a human organization. An organization that lies cannot be the exclusive spokesman for the God of Truth. Tell me where you're at. I'll understand. I can show you how to begin or continue your recovery and make a life for yourself worth living.
Non-Witnesses: Describe your experience with your friend/relative who is (becoming) a Witness. I can help you understand the Witness indoctrination and social dynamics that are affecting him or her. I can help you put your options into perspective. Keep in mind that people do make their own choices (even though they may sometimes do so under outside influence) and you may not be able to affect this person's choices, even though they impact on you. After all, you do not have the arsenal of tactics that a cult does (and wouldn't want to). A few people manage to save their friend/relative, but don't count on it. What you can count on is navigating the maze more successfully by becoming more informed about your own options.
Experience
I was a Witness for 30 years, and a volunteer at their headquarters in Brooklyn, New York, for a year. I have attended meetings with many Witness congregations across the United States, a thorough cross-section, carefully observing patterns of behavior. Although being a Witness was difficult, and I gradually had more and more doubts about Witness teachings--I was a true believer, so I kept trying to make it work somehow. I stopped attending meetings in 1997 only after receiving an answer to a prayer about doing so, and have since been actively involved in recovery. This includes both my own and supporting others in theirs. Recovery can include reading books, communicating with others in recovery, and participating in support groups and/or therapy. It always involves reclaiming one's own mind and discovering the other sides of the issues that you have been blinded to in the past.
My gradual awakening was socially, psychologically, and spiritually tumultuous. I lost everything from my former life. My suffering was substantial.
But I have gained everything, so it was worth it. Only after beginning my recovery did I gain social, psychological, and spiritual healing and growth, peace of mind, and self-respect. Only then did I discover who I am; and--for the first time--the meaning of real brotherly love.
For more resources on this topic, try these web sites:
http://freeminds.org/
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/freedomofmind/
Education/Credentials
Like most Cult Recovery Counselors, I am a cult survivor. I have life experience, not professional training. Also I feel no need to apologize for that. People with professional training cannot understand what it is like to survive a cult unless they have been through it themselves, which few professional therapists have. Understanding what really happened and what works in this unusual social context is as important as psychological training. Most professional therapists are not specifically trained to support cult survivors. Those who are represent a rare and precious resource.
I sometimes refer people to professional therapists regarding deep personal issues. But surviving a cult is a broad experience with other dimensions. Professional therapy can be very helpful as part of your recovery process, assuming that you choose the right therapist. When choosing a therapist, remember that you are the client and they are a service provider. You are the one who holds authority about the relationship. You get to interview the therapist and decide which one to employ.
Be sure to ask what specific training and experience they have around recovery from cult mind control. Most therapists do not have relevant training. Some carry serious misunderstandings about what cult mind control is; and therefore will misunderstand your struggle. So it pays to be selective as a consumer of professional therapy services.
Past/Present Clients
The Witness organization is not like other churches. Most non-Witnesses really cannot imagine what it is like to be a Witness. The organization has unimaginably extensive rules and monitoring that affect every aspect of life, so there is no privacy and no sense of personal independence. "Independent thought" is considered their greatest "sin".
The organization insists on absolute conformity, and claims to directly represent God; so dissent is not tolerated, and authority is totalitarian. Being a Witness is more like living in China or the former Soviet Union than being a member of a religion as you know it. It was the research of Robert J. Lifton, who was studying--not religions--but totalitarian governments, who first began to illuminate the problem of religious cults around the world, which employ exactly the same tactics as totalitarian governments. His work remains a cornerstone for Cult Recovery Counselors still today. (This may be why many governments are tolerant of cults, to avoid exposing their own control tactics.)
Witnesses often experience unusually dysfunctional lives and an extensive array of personal problems stemming from broken family ties, stunted social development, inner unrest resulting from repressed doubts, inability to defend boundaries, and an extreme, persistent feeling of irrational shame. I can help people impacted by an experience with the Witnesses by revealing in detail the policies and social dynamics in the Witness organization that cause these problems.
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