Expert: Andrew - 2/10/2012

Question
QUESTION: I'm not sure why I'm writing this, because the friendship I once had with a JW is no longer and hasn't been for over three years. However, I find myself compelled, even though I'm not sure if I actually have a question, or if I'm just looking for understanding from someone who's on the other side, because I'll never understand a JW's mind.

I'd like you to know that shortly after I realized that my friend portrayed manipulative behavior (she wasn't trying to convert me), I started looking for answers here and I found you. A lot of what you said made sense in a horrible way for me. I can't remember for certain, but I believe I had already ended the friendship by then.

Our friendship started over the internet. This may or may not surprise you, being that I think i recall you saying somewhere that JW's are largely encouraged to stay away from technology. She was different in some ways. It took her at least three years to tell me what her religion was. She was largely private about herself for a long while, until we started speaking every day.

It was funny, because I always gave her this unconditional love and acceptance and encouraged her to be open and honest with me and she just didn't understand it. I'd post nice little pictures on her website page where we interacted and she asked why. I told her it was because she was special to me. She found that odd. I never realized how significant that was until I started reading your answer to other questions. She always believed love was selfish, especially romantic love.

Ultimately, when she told me about her religion, I was curious, which quickly grew to concern when I started seeing things about how JW's are so isolated and strict about everything. She always tried to reassure me, saying that it was all about doing what she felt in her conscience was right. Sometimes though, she would contradict herself, because she once told me she had panic attacks about being my friend, but she pushed through it and didn't end our friendship because it meant a lot to her.

We used to write stories together, which, in a way, I think was her get away, because her characters were never JW. Of course, it was so ingrained, that there were certain things I took notice of, looking back on how she'd write and react to certain things. She seemed distressed that I would use the same character in different stories, like alternate realities. She didn't like that I experienced with different romances either. This is where I noticed most of the ingrained behavior. This was also how we met. We both got involved in an online story board type of thing, where different people would write together.

Anyway, we had extensive conversations about her beliefs. She was strictly against blood transfusions, to the point where she admitted to me that if her baby needed one, she would let it go because she believe it was Satan's way or leading her astray and she had to stay loyal to Jehova. I think that was the thing that most repelled me and I hated that she would believe in a God that would expect her to do something so horrific. To me, that was akin to murder. I expressed this, and she became extremely upset with me, telling me Jehova is love, etc. How could she not see that that is the exact opposite of what love is? I couldn't understand it.

There were things we spoke of that made me believe a part of her may have doubted her own beliefs. Then there were days when her beliefs were all she spoke about. She would tell me the death count across her country and how the end would be soon and she was glad it would be over. Those conversations were deeply depressing to me. I used to wonder if she thought I was evil for not sharing her believe because I lean toward Wicca. She once told me that she believed I would be saved because I was a good person and full of light. She used to tell me that I helped her be more open and be more herself because of the things she could share with me. It's remembering those conversations that make me miss her most.

My beliefs are based around nature and reincarnation. I told her I believed we were sisters in another life. She seemed extremely doubtful at first, but she believed I believed it. I also told her I was an empath and could feel other people's emotions. She was doubtful of that too, until I proved it to her one day. Whether or not you believe these things doesn't bother me, what matters is the fact that she had enough of an open mind to even ponder it.

It was things like that that made me think maybe she wasn't completely ensnared, but she was deeply enough that it was impossible for me to help her from across an ocean. She told me that she believed gay people should be able to have relationships, but not marry. She once tried to do an exercise that was part of my beliefs at the time and told me she couldn't...but the fact that she told me she tried was significant. She could have been lying, but I was friends with her for over three years, so I like to think she wasn't.

Of course, there were things she would say that hurt, like, she thought demons were manipulating me and giving me the abilities I believe I have and leading me further from Jehova. That really hurt because it was like a slap in the face.

The point is though, that I truly believe she cared for me. She never once tried to preach to me or tell me my beliefs were wrong, but she did seem to think I was being led astray. I truly cared about her and wanted to be there for her, but her religion warped her mind to the point where, sometimes, you weren't sure if what she was saying was a ploy for you to pity her, or the truth. I can tell you that I still mourn her absence in my life. I can tell you that I wonder if she misses me, and am afraid the answer is that she's forgotten me already, or never truly cared.

She became a witness when she was five years old and she was the most timid person I had ever known, full of self hate and misery. She reminded me of myself and I felt a connection to her. I wanted to help her overcome her demons and see beauty within herself. I promised her I would never leave when she had said everyone else had. I failed and broke my promise, because I was so wounded by the fact that she could have been lying to me from the very start, I didn't have the strength to try to hang on. Part of me regrets it deeply. Should I? Her whole family was JW, and although she said she had many friends of many different beliefs, her whole life seems to revolve around her religion and what she believed when she wasn't hinting otherwise.

I guess I'm looking for your thought, input, any knowledge you might have about her behavior that might help me better understand where she was coming from as a person. I guess I'm also putting my story here to help others who might be in a similar position. Maybe it will provide them some form of hope if they live close to their JW. Maybe it will help someone, I don't know.

ANSWER: Dear Rose,

Thanks for making your question public so others can benefit from your experience.

I'm sorry you had a bad experience with your Witness friend. It's good that you recognized her manipulative behaviors early on.

Witnesses aren't opposed to technology in general, but they are always careful to avoid conversations with former Witnesses if they can, and this is the only real reason they avoid the Internet sometimes, so as to avoid hearing the verboten side of the story that their leadership doesn't want them to hear, which often includes the real reasons why their relatives and close friends were expelled (and therefore the reason they can no longer talk to them). If the typical Witness knew how trivial the real reasons often are, that they can no longer speak to their son or daughter or best friend who has been expelled by Witness elders, they would be outraged, a scenario the leaders wish to avoid. Also if they got a more rounded view of issues that the Witnesses have strong opinions about, they might gain the ability to think for themselves or become more critical of the leadership. Information control is a cornerstone of all cult dynamics, including the kind that occur on the national level, which is why there is a movement to begin censoring the Internet at large. This is a nutshell of the Witness aversion to certain books, and the Internet in some cases.

> It took her at least three years to tell me what her religion was.
> She was largely private about herself for a long while, until we
> started speaking every day.

This is unfortunately quite common. Witnesses, especially those who grew up as Witnesses, are accustomed to receiving a lot of opposition for their extreme views (not realizing of course that such opposition is well deserved) so some of them develop a reticence to share openly about themselves.

> It was funny, because I always gave her this unconditional love and
> acceptance and encouraged her to be open and honest with me and she just
> didn't understand it. I'd post nice little pictures on her website page
> where we interacted and she asked why. I told her it was because she was
> special to me. She found that odd. I never realized how significant that
> was until I started reading your answer to other questions. She always
> believed love was selfish, especially romantic love.

I understand. In her case, unconditional love was just odd, maybe suspect. On some level it may also have been compelling to her in a way she couldn't quite put her finger on, because it's unlikely she had any source of unconditional love other than yours.

The Witness leadership actually teaches their followers that the only valid form of love is "agape" love, which they describe as a spiritual form of love. It may indeed be a high form of love, but they way they practice it is conditional, and they are very quick to betray someone they "love" if that person doesn't live up to the expectations of the organization.
This sadly introduces a "witchhunt" energy into all relationships between Witnesses. Everyone is suspect, even after proving themselves loyal after years of consistent faithfulness. Conditional love, of course, is an oxymoron. There is no such thing. What they practice is not a high form of love, or even love at all, although "agape" may be a high ideal, I don't know.

> Ultimately, when she told me about her religion, I was curious, which
> quickly grew to concern when I started seeing things about how JW's are
> so isolated and strict about everything. She always tried to reassure me,
> saying that it was all about doing what she felt in her conscience was right.

I understand your concern. Her reassurance toward you was probably accompanied by a sense of dread in her. It was probably related to that sense of having experienced a great amount of opposition and "misunderstanding" for her "faith", and not wanting to lose your friendship. Witnesses experience relationship as often very transitory and even "disposable", as would be expected for people who always treat "love" as conditional.

> Sometimes though, she would contradict herself, because she once
> told me she had panic attacks about being my friend, but she pushed
> through it and didn't end our friendship because it meant a lot to her.

Very telling. I suppose her panic attacks were because she was interested in maintaining her friendship with you and you were a non-Witness, and it is discouraged for Witnesses to have even friendships with non-Witnesses, much less more substantial relationships than that. Maybe she even started to have unwanted sexual feelings for you, and based on Witness teachings, that could have really freaked her out.

They'll cite a bible passage about not "yoking together an donkey with an ox" which is a farming metaphor about people from different background in an intimate relationship together not being able to "pull the plow" equally. I'm not a farmer, but I guess they would go in circles or something because the ox is stronger. Actually the Witnesses may be right about that part.

I'm glad you were perceptive enough through the process of writing stories together to recognize that something was amiss with her. Although that was no doubt sad and difficult for you, it could have been far more so if you had not recognized it.

> ...blood...baby...horrific...How could she not see that that is
> the exact opposite of what love is? I couldn't understand it.

It is to your credit that you cannot understand such things. Take solace in the fact that your background or values are too solid to be taken in by such nonsense.

> There were things we spoke of that made me believe a part
> of her may have doubted her own beliefs. Then there were days
> when her beliefs were all she spoke about.

That too is normal. Even those who are fully indoctrinated into cult mind are not free of doubts. They rather simply have effective mechanisms for repressing their doubts, which mechanisms kick in quickly, perhaps even before they recognize the doubt exists. Certainly before they speak of it in most cases.

> She would tell me the death count across her country and how the
> end would be soon and she was glad it would be over. Those conversations
> were deeply depressing to me.

Understandably. The Witness view of world destruction and the death of the majority of the world's population is quite bleak. It causes them to disconnect from their neighbors and even close relatives who are non-Witnesses, because they expect them to be dead in the very near future.

There are indeed some real dangers on the horizon, and a mass depopulation could occur in a worst case scenario, World War III or whatnot; and the Witnesses would no doubt feel vindicated, but what they must realize in order to be honest with themselves is that they do not have a special "in" with the God of Truth after telling so many lies to themselves and others, no matter how pure their motivation to save lives might be. You cannot "save lives" by telling lies; and you cannot be honest with others without first being honest with yourself.

> I used to wonder if she thought I was evil for not sharing her
> believe because I lean toward Wicca. She once told me that she
> believed I would be saved because I was a good person and full of
> light.

This is one of those rare deviations, where she fell out of lockstep with the teachings of her cult. They teach that virtually all non-Witnesses (and even some Witnesses) will die at Armageddon because of failure to align with God's will. They teach that any form of paganism, including Wicca, amounts to devil worship. (Of course you and I know this is a myth, but the Witness leadership does subscribe to this particular myth, as do many christian groups.) Don't take it too personally, as they teach that most all non-Witnesses are under the power of the devil. They also teach that all gays and lesbians (and even heterosexuals who engage in sex before marriage!) are enemies of God who will be directly killed by God himself during Armageddon. It's a very extreme worldview.

It's good that she was able to reclaim her mind at least about this one thing. That you were not an enemy of God as her cult leaders made you out to be.

> She used to tell me that I helped her be more open and be more
> herself because of the things she could share with me. It's
> remembering those conversations that make me miss her most.

You no doubt did contribute something of value to her; but at what cost to you? Only you can decide if it was worth the cost. Never underestimate the risk of getting involved with a cult member. The risk is very great for most people, no matter how educated or centered, unless they first innoculate themselves by studying how cults work before the exposure, which is rare. Not to mention the emotional cost to you of having developed an intimate friendship with someone who could not reciprocate in the way you deserved. You gave her something but did she give back in equal terms?

> My beliefs are based around nature and reincarnation. I told her
> I believed we were sisters in another life. She seemed extremely
> doubtful at first, but she believed I believed it. I also told her
> I was an empath and could feel other people's emotions. She was
> doubtful of that too, until I proved it to her one day. Whether or
> not you believe these things doesn't bother me, what matters is the
> fact that she had enough of an open mind to even ponder it.

I understand completely. I am an empath as well, which may be one of the gifts that enabled me to escape the spell of the Witnesses. It's good that your friend was able to experience a bit of openness with you. This could be a seed which will later sprout in her life and create a good outcome for her.

> It was things like that that made me think maybe she wasn't
> completely ensnared, but she was deeply enough that it was impossible
> for me to help her from across an ocean.

Good metaphor. The world needs more people like you who would want to help in such a way; but I'd still advise you to study up on cult tactics before you get involved with another cult member, so that you can see it coming before it ensnares you. Everybody says, "I would never fall for that", but many do, so an initial determination is not enough to keep you safe. You are lucky to have gotten out relatively unscathed.

> She told me that she believed gay people should be able to have
> relationships, but not marry. She once tried to do an exercise that
> was part of my beliefs at the time and told me she couldn't...but the
> fact that she told me she tried was significant. She could have been
> lying, but I was friends with her for over three years, so I like to
> think she wasn't.

I'm sorry you went through this roller coaster and trial. You never deserved this.

> Of course, there were things she would say that hurt, like, she thought
> demons were manipulating me and giving me the abilities I believe I
> have and leading me further from Jehova. That really hurt because it was
> like a slap in the face.

Ouch. Yes, that would hurt. I know that feeling first hand. But keep in mind these are christian fundamentalists. Their world is black and white. They have a very kindergarten type spiritual sensibility. They recognize that magick exists; but in their worldview there are only two places it can come from, and if it doesn't conform to their definition of God, it must come from the other place. Very simplistic. It's sad that people who are so undeveloped spiritually can be so judgmental, but common. Again you deserved better.

> The point is though, that I truly believe she cared for me. She never
> once tried to preach to me or tell me my beliefs were wrong, but she did
> seem to think I was being led astray. I truly cared about her and wanted
> to be there for her, but her religion warped her mind to the point where,
> sometimes, you weren't sure if what she was saying was a ploy for you to
> pity her, or the truth. I can tell you that I still mourn her absence in
> my life.

It took me many decades to unravel their web of lies. You should celebrate that you won't have to. Yes, I know you miss her, but imagine if it went on 30 years longer, and you became caught up in all the lies and spiritual darkness and manipulation and sociological warp, and then decided to reach for freedom. Like almost drowning, then snapping to your senses at the last possible second. It would take you another 30 years to unravel the lies and reclaim your mind before you could see the beauty of the moon again.

So even though it surely hurts now; let me assure you it would hurt far more if you had not cut it off, plus it would have devoured a lifetime in loss and regret. I should know.

> I can tell you that I wonder if she misses me, and am afraid the answer is
> that she's forgotten me already, or never truly cared.

That's part of the struggle of being gay, right? Having to start out very cautious and patient and hoping it will gracefully come around your way without having to create an awkward scene. Nobody wants their own authentic life to be an "issue". You deserve better. I hope your next relationship is more open and doesn't require so much tentativeness for so long a period. You deserve someone who is honest about what they want, and emotionally and sociologically in a similar place. Opposites may attract, but they don't work out well for compatibility, harmony, and grace.

> She became a witness when she was five years old and she was the
> most timid person I had ever known, full of self hate and misery.
> She reminded me of myself and I felt a connection to her.

I can relate.

> I wanted to help her overcome her demons and see beauty within
> herself. I promised her I would never leave when she had said
> everyone else had. I failed and broke my promise, because I was so
> wounded by the fact that she could have been lying to me from the
> very start, I didn't have the strength to try to hang on. Part of me
> regrets it deeply. Should I?

How old were you when you said "I'll never leave you"? If you were a young child, I don't think you should take this very seriously. Most people don't even take marriage vows that seriously anymore, and it sounds like she was not fully in the relationship with you, so it looks to me like you're beating yourself up.

It's to your credit that you even think in terms of "should I have left her?" You may be one of the rare people who actually means what she says, in a world where many do not. The world needs more like you.

But don't forget balance. Don't forget that you already gave more than she did, and you did the best anyone could with the hand they were dealt. You have to let her take the consequences of her own failures. In relationship, dishonesty is a huge failure.

> Her whole family was JW, and although she said she had many friends
> of many different beliefs, her whole life seems to revolve around her
> religion and what she believed when she wasn't hinting otherwise.

Say she had been able to reclaim her mind and begin a period of serious recovery. She would have had to work at it determinedly for many years in order to succeed, and few former Witnesses stick with their recovery long enough to do so, because few of them have the opportunities to access support resources and fewer still recognize the benefit of doing so. What prospect does that offer you, while you're waiting--year after year--for a healthy relationship? Not much.

What if she really did love you, and the sexual part worked itself out? She's still not there for you emotionally or sociologically; it's one-sided for a lifetime. You were generous, she was not, and perhaps could not be. That is not much of a prospect for a healthy relationship. And her Witness family would NEVER have accepted you on any level, not even any form of detente after years of adapting. They would have been nasty toward you and expected you to stay away FOR A LIFETIME.

What kind of life is that? I think you made the only decision you could have.

> I guess I'm looking for your thought, input, any knowledge you
> might have about her behavior that might help me better understand
> where she was coming from as a person.

You know better than I. I can only help contextualize the Witness social and psychological container and how it probably affected her, what is typical for other Witnesses in a similar situation. Feel free to write me again if there are any specific questions I can help with along these lines.

> I guess I'm also putting my story here to help others who might be
> in a similar position. Maybe it will provide them some form of hope
> if they live close to their JW. Maybe it will help someone, I don't know.

Thank you for doing that. If our suffering doesn't do us any good, maybe it will do someone else some good, by helping them avoid the hole we fell into. Then our suffering doesn't turn out to be such a waste after all.

Take good care of yourself. Try not to beat yourself up. Sit under a bright moon on a foggy night with frogs and crickets, do some breathing exercises, and you'll eventually realize you did the only thing you could have done.

Blessings,
AndrewXJW

---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: Dear Andrew,

Thanks for taking the time to leave me such a thorough reply. I don't really have anyone to talk about this with because no one I know really understands what it's like to go through it. I've basically been dealing with this on my own for the most part, doing my best to banish her from my mind, and every so often, failing miserably.

While we were never romantically involved and I never really saw her in that manner (and was in a relationship at the time, as well as currently), I am the type of person who holds friendship at an extremely high value. Her friendship was especially important to me because of the sisterly connection I felt with her due to my empathy and belief in reincarnation. I have always felt very protective over her and responsible for her to an extent.

I promised her I would never leave when we were still teenagers, probably around the ages of 16-17 in the year 2004-2005. The promises I make are very serious and important to me because when I make promises, I truly mean to keep them. I am loyal to a fault and I used to take a lot of abuse before I would walk away.

The only reason I started to recognize that she was being manipulative, was because I started venting to other friends about arguments and disagreements I used to have with her. She was a very dramatic person and our arguments were often over trivial and petty things. I used to bend over backwards to try to make her happy, and even though I knew she was being unfair, and my friends would tell me so, I would still make excuses for her and defend her.

Even now, I believe the connection I feel to her (because of the belief that we were related in another life and perhaps torn apart) haunts me. I will myself to leave her in the past, I force myself not to check up on her for months, but then, as if against my will, she pops back up in my mind. Something I'm doing, saying or thinking about will remind me of her, or I'll have a dream about making amends and being friends again, etc.

It's quite maddening to feel so connected to someone so deeply who couldn't reciprocate and never will be able to. I feel like I'm tied to her and I don't know how to break that tie. For three years, it's been this way. I've written letters I will never send to try to purge it and it hasn't worked. The pain of losing her from my life is still so fresh at times, it really does ache. I know it must sound like I am actually in love with her, but I'm not. I believe we were twins in another life, perhaps several, and that's what continues to draw me back to her. I guess that's why I still beat myself up.

I do find it interesting that you mentioned she may have been experiencing sexual feelings for me, because you are not the first person to say so. Someone else I used to know (someone involved in shamanism) suggested it as well. The closest we ever got to that was writing stories about our characters getting into a same sex relationship. It made her uncomfortable and it didn't last long, maybe a few months. She did believe it was possible for a gay person to turn straight, but we only ever touched on that subject once and I don't remember much more than her saying the programs churches had opened work. I only remember thinking to myself that she was ignorantly wrong, but I don't remember telling her.

We were friends for four years, you know, before it ended. We started getting very close around 2006-2007. I wanted to visit her, and while she at first seemed enthusiastic, I later learned she had been panicking about the whole thing. She never really did give me a direct reason why she didn't want me visiting, but she did tell me she preferred to keep our friendship strictly online. That hurt me, of course. She was pretty picky about who kne wher identity too. There were certain sites she didn't mind posting photos on and then there were places she absolutely did not want them. She once told me how to keep JW's from knocking on my door too, but then told me not to tell them how I knew to ask.

When I asked questions about her religion and found out things that worried me, I would tell her I wanted her to be happy and didn't want her to be trapped by a bunch of rules that make no sense. She would tell me that she chose to be baptized and if that meant living caged, that was what she wanted. What more could I say? The fact that she seemed interested in much older men perturbed me as well. I have to say though that I never really felt as if she treated me as disposable. She had often told me if people picked arguments with her, she would stop speaking with them for days and weeks until the argument got dropped. She never did that with me.

I did notice though that several months before the end of our friendship, she started drifting away. She told me she was concentratin gon helping a friend with her novel and wouldn't be up for talking for a while. This was true, but I couldn't help feeling like she was distancing herself from me, even though she denied it. I don't think she wanted our friendship to end or ever planned it. She actually went to great lengths to stay in contact with me at times. Her parents didn't know we were friends and she used to sneak-talk to me a lot.

It was during the distance that was put between us that I started connecting the dots though. It didn't help that her friend had sent me a message attacking me and telling me she never cared about me and they laugh at me behind my back. This was during the time I had confronted her about her behavior "publicly" sort of, between a mutual group of friends we knew. She was upset with me for sharing things she told me with others and it seemed like she was trying to direct the attention off of herself and onto me to make me feel guilty. She also denied things that she had done, saying she didn't remember doing them, etc. There were a handful of times she claimed she had a split personality and so on. I even started to think that the friend that attacked me may have been fake and it'd been her all along. It escalated to the point where I didn't know what was a lie, or what was the truth, so I sent her a message saying I was cutting the ties and to please never try to contact me again and she never has.

I think that's the worst of it. I never really gave her a chance to truly defend herself, but I didn't know if I could trust her anymore after all of that. I was certain that if I had tried to forgive her, that it would have continued down the same poisonous path. There were times when she was a very loving friend and we truly connected, but then there were times when she seemed hardened, then confused, perhaps even clueless. I doubt she even realized what it was she was doing because she hates lies. There was one occasion where I did lie to her about something and she took it very hard. She tried to help me with my problems too, but in general, her personality always felt kind of stand-offish. There were times she shone though.

I hope you're right and she did take something good from our friendship. She's married now and she may or may not have changed. I don't know much about her relationship, except they were engaged after six months and married perhaps six months later. Is it common for JW's to marry so young, and after spending very little time in an actual relationship? It doesn't seem to be a very good practice and I worry about her happiness, even now.

There's a part of me that badly wants to approach her and explain why I did what I did to try to reconcile with her. I'm afraid of the hurt I caused her when I walked away like I did. Of course, I know you're right. She'll never be able to put as much into this friendship as I am willing to do so. She may not ever trust me again, after all that has happened. I have to keep convincing myself not to approach her though.

I can't really look at her as anything but a victim. Unfortunately, her mind was weak---she suffered from clinical depression for a long while before actually being diagnosed, she was introduced to JW's at a young age and her family is deeply loyal to it. It saddens me that she'll spend her whole life living a lie because she has no one's support in living otherwise. I think that's what probably affects me the most. I want so badly to save her and I can't. Empath's curse maybe? I really don't think she was the typical JW at all, but her mind was still very much damaged by their conditioning. I kind of felt like I had her, truly, as a person at times, and she really wanted that, but the pull of her religion always seemed to unravel it just a little.

If anyone out there has this sort of problem, where they're unable to let go of the loved one they have lost to cult mind control, please know that you can't be responsible for their weaknesses or their choices. It isn't your job to protect them from life--it's their job to learn from it. Don't let it eat you up inside they way it has eaten me.

Thanks for listening.

Answer
Dear Rose,

> Thanks for taking the time to leave me such a thorough reply.

You're most welcome.

> I don't really have anyone to talk about this with because
> no one I know really understands what it's like to go through it.
> I've basically been dealing with this on my own for the most part,
> doing my best to banish her from my mind, and every so often,
> failing miserably.

I understand. It's not a topic that many people would understand. The experience of being a cult member and of dealing with cult members is so strange that people who have not experienced it firsthand would find completely alien.

> While we were never romantically involved and I never really
> saw her in that manner (and was in a relationship at the time,
> as well as currently)

I apologize for misinterpreting your comments.

> I am the type of person who holds friendship at an extremely
> high value. Her friendship was especially important to me
> because of the sisterly connection I felt with her due to my
> empathy and belief in reincarnation. I have always felt very
> protective over her and responsible for her to an extent.

I see your sincerety.

> I promised her I would never leave when we were still
> teenagers, probably around the ages of 16-17 in the year
> 2004-2005. The promises I make are very serious and important
> to me because when I make promises, I truly mean to keep them.
> I am loyal to a fault and I used to take a lot of abuse before
> I would walk away.

I believe that completely.

> The only reason I started to recognize that she was being
> manipulative, was because I started venting to other friends
> about arguments and disagreements I used to have with her. She
> was a very dramatic person and our arguments were often over
> trivial and petty things. I used to bend over backwards to try to
> make her happy, and even though I knew she was being unfair, and
> my friends would tell me so, I would still make excuses for her
> and defend her.

I can relate to that experience. It is easy to take advantage of people who are very loyal and sincere. The majority of people in our world unfortunately are not yet evolved enough to match it, nor enough to avoid the temptation of taking advantage of it. Just my opinion.

> Even now, I believe the connection I feel to her (because of the
> belief that we were related in another life and perhaps torn apart)
> haunts me.

I can only imagine how difficult that must be. I am interested in exploring past life experiences also, and hesitate only because of how it could come back to haunt me so. I'm afraid I can't be of much help in that respect. However, it would perhaps serve you to get in touch with people who are aware of their past lives, because among them you mind find someone who has had a similar experience and might understand or even know effective strategies.

> I will myself to leave her in the past, I force myself not to check
> up on her for months, but then, as if against my will, she pops back
> up in my mind. Something I'm doing, saying or thinking about will
> remind me of her, or I'll have a dream about making amends and being
> friends again, etc.

I suppose one cannot successfully resolve NOT to think about something; but only to think about other things, for one is an act of will and the other, if effected through will, creates the opposite result.

> It's quite maddening to feel so connected to someone so deeply
> who couldn't reciprocate and never will be able to. I feel like
> I'm tied to her and I don't know how to break that tie. For three
> years, it's been this way. I've written letters I will never send
> to try to purge it and it hasn't worked. The pain of losing her
> from my life is still so fresh at times, it really does ache.

I suspect there is perhaps a Wiccan exercise that you might try for closure. I have been told that it might be effective in such cases (whether due to psychology or metaphysics I would not know) to put an intention to purge a thought or gain closure into an object, and bury it for three weeks, then let it stand in the light of the full moon for three days.

You might also try qigong, which can be helpful at draining negative thoughts and energies you don't wish to have. There are specific qigong exercises intended for that purpose.

> I know it must sound like I am actually in love with her,
> but I'm not. I believe we were twins in another life, perhaps
> several, and that's what continues to draw me back to her. I
> guess that's why I still beat myself up.

I'm sure you know better than I would. I can only imagine how this feels.

> I do find it interesting that you mentioned she may have been
> experiencing sexual feelings for me, because you are not the first
> person to say so. Someone else I used to know (someone involved in
> shamanism) suggested it as well. The closest we ever got to that
> was writing stories about our characters getting into a same sex
> relationship. It made her uncomfortable and it didn't last long,
> maybe a few months.

I was only attempting to contextualize and guess at why she might have had panic attacks, but my attempt was perhaps based on a misunderstanding of the nature of your relationship. Of course the "nature of relationships" is not always clear, and may not have been clear to her, so it is still possible she felt that way, I suppose.

> She did believe it was possible for a gay person to turn straight,
> but we only ever touched on that subject once and I don't remember
> much more than her saying the programs churches had opened work. I
> only remember thinking to myself that she was ignorantly wrong, but
> I don't remember telling her.

With that and ten thousand other topics, cult members tend to believe the things they are conditioned to believe. Witnesses actually believe that they are exercising free will, but to believe that under the circumstances they endure is only possible when completely unaware of the nature of conditioned responses and social pressures, etc.

> We were friends for four years, you know, before it ended. We started
> getting very close around 2006-2007. I wanted to visit her, and while
> she at first seemed enthusiastic, I later learned she had been panicking
> about the whole thing. She never really did give me a direct reason why
> she didn't want me visiting, but she did tell me she preferred to keep
> our friendship strictly online. That hurt me, of course.

How awkward and hurtful. I suppose she could easily disguise a friendship if it is always online as some other online activity; but it would be more difficult for her to disguise a friendship in person. She probably had to hide her friendships with non-Witnesses from her parents, for reasons I detailed previously.

> She was pretty picky about who knew her identity too. There were certain
> sites she didn't mind posting photos on and then there were places she
> absolutely did not want them. She once told me how to keep JW's from
> knocking on my door too, but then told me not to tell them how I knew to ask.

In order to contextualize this behavior on her part, you must understand that she lives in a totalitarian society. People who do not conform in totality, or who show the slightest backbone of independent thought risk everything. Tens of thousands of Jehovah's Witnesses a year are expelled from the organization and shunned completely, which disconnects the shunned member from their entire prior social support system. Even closest friends and family are known to routinely behave this way. The reasons Witnesses are expelled are sometimes very trivial. But ultimately it always comes down to showing independent thought. That is the ultimate sin for cult members. Individuality is considered wrong. Independent thought draws comparisons with the devil. It's really quite sick.

While your friend managed, through behaviors she kept secret from her parents, to create a small pocket of independence for herself, and celebrated a tiny space where she may have toyed with thinking her own thoughts, and even had one or two original thoughts; it may have been more of a dream or game to her. Remember, when she logs off the computer, she goes back to her family, who are socially and psychologically perhaps more rigid than you can imagine.

> When I asked questions about her religion and found out
> things that worried me, I would tell her I wanted her to be
> happy and didn't want her to be trapped by a bunch of rules that
> make no sense. She would tell me that she chose to be baptized and
> if that meant living caged, that was what she wanted. What more
> could I say?

Free will is a curious puzzle in such cases. Of course people make their own decisions; but can you really call it free will when so many of their options are cut off, when they are so thoroughly conditioned and pressured to make only very limited choices? She probably believes her decision to "live caged" is her own free will. Again, it's something very hard to describe to those who have not experienced it, because the experience is alien. How does one describe color to a man born blind? Suffice it to say, although she may believe she has free choice, she doesn't; and there's nothing you or anyone else can do to change her mind until she decides to begin exploring. People do not recover from cult mind without first wanting to, then working hard at it for years.

> The fact that she seemed interested in much older men perturbed
> me as well.

I could only speculate.

> I have to say though that I never really felt as if she treated
> me as disposable.

Good. I'm glad you didn't feel it. My comment was about the nature of friendship among typical Witnesses. Of course individual results may vary.

> I did notice though that several months before the end of our
> friendship, she started drifting away. She told me she was
> concentrating on helping a friend with her novel and wouldn't be
> up for talking for a while. This was true, but I couldn't help
> feeling like she was distancing herself from me, even though she
> denied it. I don't think she wanted our friendship to end or ever
> planned it. She actually went to great lengths to stay in contact
> with me at times. Her parents didn't know we were friends and she
> used to sneak-talk to me a lot.
> It was during the distance that was put between us that I started
> connecting the dots though. It didn't help that her friend had sent
> me a message attacking me and telling me she never cared about me
> and they laugh at me behind my back.

At the risk of seeming unsupportive, may I suggest that she may not deserve this faith in her. It is sometimes very difficult for loyal sincere people to admit to themselves that people they care about are less loyal and sincere. These qualities are so central to your being that it may be inconceivable, may feel like you're being unduly critical or judgmental of others not to impute the same. But perhaps they simply don't have loyalty and sincerety you have, and that may be the truth of the matter. I get the feeling this is the case, that she does not deserve the good reputation you have imputed to her, and this may be part of the reason it is hard for you to let go. I could be wrong. Just try it on and see if it fits.

> This was during the time I had confronted her about her
> behavior "publicly" sort of, between a mutual group of friends
> we knew. She was upset with me for sharing things she told me with
> others and it seemed like she was trying to direct the attention off
> of herself and onto me to make me feel guilty. She also denied things
> that she had done, saying she didn't remember doing them, etc.

This almost never works with cult members. By confronting her "publicly" you underestimate the immense social pressure she has lived with perhaps for her entire life. This kind of tactic cannot ever be expected to produce good results with cult members. I'm sorry there wasn't an opportunity for me to warn you about this in advance. Few people know how to successfully deal with cult members, so still it's understandable.

> There were a handful of times she claimed she had a split
> personality and so on. I even started to think that the friend that
> attacked me may have been fake and it'd been her all along. It
> escalated to the point where I didn't know what was a lie, or what
> was the truth, so I sent her a message saying I was cutting the ties
> and to please never try to contact me again and she never has.

My experience with the Jehovah's Witnesses suggests that the rank and file is lied to so often and so thoroughly that their minds become so convoluted that they don't know lies from truth either. But by means of this experience, they do sometimes become expert liars. You cannot soak a towel in wine and expect it not to get red.

> I think that's the worst of it. I never really gave her a chance to
> truly defend herself, but I didn't know if I could trust her anymore
> after all of that. I was certain that if I had tried to forgive her,
> that it would have continued down the same poisonous path.

Yes probably. Part of you wishes you had given her a chance to defend herself. But from what? You probably presented her with very accurate observations that you had about her that she wasn't ready to admit about herself because of the mental conditioning and social pressures she's subjected to, so she's probably not able to admit the truth about herself. What you said about her was probably true, so she couldn't have "defended herself" in the sense of proving wrong what you said; rather what you said was probably right on target because YOU were not the one subjected to cult mind control and therefore convoluted thinking. She was probably all the things you thought she was, and may have accused her of "publicly". Her inability to face the truth of it is not a meaningful invalidation of your observation.

> There were times when she was a very loving friend and we truly
> connected, but then there were times when she seemed hardened, then
> confused, perhaps even clueless. I doubt she even realized what it was
> she was doing because she hates lies....She tried to help me with my
> problems too, but in general, her personality always felt kind of
> stand-offish. There were times she shone though.

"Stand-offish" is very typical under such circumstances. She CLAIMS to hate lies, but swims in them constantly. Cult researcher Margaret T. Singer explains the phenomenon of "cult pseudopersonality". And you've just nutshelled it nicely. It's almost as if there are two personalities, one very much in conformity with cult teachings, and one more original. The true personality is the one that seems more original. The cult pseudopersonality however often dominates in those that are fully indoctrinated. This is not the same as split personality disorder. It is more like a program being switched on and off. Becoming the "good little soldier" one moment and saying to oneself "f*ck it" the next. But unfortunately the consequences of "f*ck it" are so severe that it usually doesn't last long, and the cult pseudopersonality switches back on again.

> There was one occasion where I did lie to her about something
> and she took it very hard.

What unfair pressure that you had to always be one thing. To her you may have been her one breath of fresh air that she felt she could count on. But you are a living breathing human being. You shouldn't have to conform to someone's elses mold for you in order to be what they need you to be.

> I hope you're right and she did take something good from our
> friendship. She's married now and she may or may not have
> changed. I don't know much about her relationship, except they
> were engaged after six months and married perhaps six months
> later. Is it common for JW's to marry so young, and after spending
> very little time in an actual relationship? It doesn't seem to be
> a very good practice and I worry about her happiness, even now.

Yes, it's common. Among Witnesses, to avoid falling into "sin" (premarital sex) is more important than gaining a rounded personality and becoming mature enough to make lifelong decisions. Many persons who were raised as Witnesses go into marriage as virgins. So their habit is to marry very young, but by comparison with non-Witnesses, this amounts to losing their virginity quite late. Kind of idealistic. I kind of like that aspect of Witness culture. There are worse things. But of course being mature enough to make a lifelong decision is more important than "sin" as a teen.

> There's a part of me that badly wants to approach her and explain
> why I did what I did to try to reconcile with her. I'm afraid of
> the hurt I caused her when I walked away like I did. Of course, I know
> you're right. She'll never be able to put as much into this friendship
> as I am willing to do so. She may not ever trust me again, after all that
> has happened. I have to keep convincing myself not to approach her though.

You keep thinking she's more capable than she really is, because you are. Don't project. She is far less capable of relationship then you, like a chicken is less capable of flight after it's wings have been trimmed. (But in her case, trimmed wing feathers take 30 years to grow back, and they don't begin growing until she decides that recovery is needed.) Instead, she goes back three times a week to get her wings trimmed again, mentally speaking.

> I can't really look at her as anything but a victim.
> Unfortunately, her mind was weak---she suffered from clinical
> depression for a long while before actually being diagnosed,
> she was introduced to JW's at a young age and her family is deeply
> loyal to it. It saddens me that she'll spend her whole life living
> a lie because she has no one's support in living otherwise....
> I really don't think she was the typical JW at all, but her mind
> was still very much damaged by their conditioning. I kind of felt
> like I had her, truly, as a person at times, and she really wanted
> that, but the pull of her religion always seemed to unravel it
> just a little.

Yes, she is most definitely a victim. All Witnesses are. But there comes a time when a prisoner gets comfortable in their cell and decides to stay. Even if the door is unlocked, they no longer know anything else, so they won't try to leave. Yes it's sad. I'm glad you see that.

> I think that's what probably affects me the most. I want so badly
> to save her and I can't. Empath's curse maybe?

Maybe. And we have to remember that no one can save anyone else. In the end, we can only save ourselves. We can OFFER help and influence, but we can't ever count on it being accepted or effective.

> If anyone out there has this sort of problem, where they're
> unable to let go of the loved one they have lost to cult mind
> control, please know that you can't be responsible for their
> weaknesses or their choices. It isn't your job to protect them
> from life--it's their job to learn from it. Don't let it eat you
> up inside they way it has eaten me. Thanks for listening.

Well said. Thanks for saying it. Now go take care of yourself, Rose. You get to choose your path ahead. You get to choose to be the spiritual adult, to shine your light to the world, to help make the world a better place, like Witnesses have no hope of contributing to.

Purging and moving on and becoming part of the solution is possible. It's never too late.

Blessings,
Andrew