You are here:
- Home
- Religion/Spirituality
- Jehovah's Witnesses
- Critics of Jehovah`s Witnesses
- Christian dateing a Jehovah's Witness.
Critics of Jehovah`s Witnesses/Christian dateing a Jehovah's Witness.
Advertisement
Question
I'm a Born Again Christian in a dateing relationship with a Jehovah's Witness. He's black I'm white however this is not the problem with our relationship. My parents are fine with it because they feel God will open a door for them to show him the error in what he's been taught by his parents but his parents are not happy with our seeing each other. He sneaks over to my house after his parents go to bed(we're neighbors)and we watch a movie and end up falling asleep. We don't ever go anywhere during the day because his parents don't want him seeing anyone other than J.W's His family and my family are cordial friends waveing and saying hi and making small talk as a matter of fact his mother loves me just not as a girlfriend of her son. I provide childcare for his two year old twin cousins and their mother(his aunt) is his mother's sister and she is a Christian. We talk about the Lord and she wants us to stay a couple. How can I talk to him about our faith differences so we can get on the same page and have a normal relationship. I think I'm in love with him and I know he is in love with me. I don't want to tell him I'm in love with him because of this conflict of faith. We're both 19 year old responsible adults still living at home wanting to honor our parents but not doing such a great job. HELP!
Dear Mary,
I feel for you in your struggle. This is a difficult issue to deal with. I appreciate your sincerety and your honorable desire to honor your parents and do the right thing.
Your parents may be right that 'God will open a door to show him', but as his friends and neighbors can avoid interfering with such divine providence by watching what we say. Witnesses are very sensitive to criticism against their organization or it's policies, because they equate the organization with God. If you criticize the organization (for example, because it strictly forbids Witnesses dating non-Witnesses), they are taught to see such criticism as a red flag, that you are 'from the Devil'. So criticism doesn't work.
Unless you understand the mental dynamics of cult mind control, reasoning doesn't work either. The only thing that works is asking open-ended questions (not leading questions) that stimulate critical thinking and true spirituality.
It is to be expected that his parents are not happy with your dating, because Witnesses dating non-Witnesses is strictly forbidden by their organizational policy. Even though you honor God and accept Christ, they do not consider you a true Christian (but do consider themselves as such), and therefore they apply the verse about not unequally yoking together a Christian with a non-Christian.
They will also likely object to the fact that he secretly sneaks over (they will consider this a form of lying) and the fact that you fall asleep unsupervised in the same room even if there is no unchaste conduct, because they take fundamentalist morality very seriously. You might conceivably soften their position over time if you try to avoid pulling these triggers of theirs.
> His family and my family are cordial friends waveing
> and saying hi and making small talk as a matter of fact
> his mother loves me just not as a girlfriend of her son.
The fact that she objects to you dating her son tells me that she is a devout Witness. Devout Witnesses who appear cordial and loving toward non-Witnesses always have but one agenda: To convert you. I'm sorry if this is hard to hear, but "love bombing" is a technique that cults use to help create converts. Your boyfriend's mother appears to be trying to help convert you by using the "love bombing" technique.
She probably doesn't mean to be manipulative by doing this (even though it really is a manipulation), but rather probably feels she is doing her Christian duty to show you the way of Christ through kindness; but only in the hope of converting you.
My experience suggests this is an elaborate form of acting, because when tested, such "love" always fails; and we know from the scriptures that real "love never fails". So I suggest you be careful not to take her feelings toward you too personally. I'm sorry.
Devout Witness parents can never happily accept a non-Witness daughter-in-law, because they believe such a union threatens the eternal life of their child.
If you were to become a Witness, and pretend you are not interested in her son until six months after your baptism as a Witness, they may accept you as a daughter-in-law. But I cannot recommend this because I believe this would mean damaging your own family relationships and your own spirituality and freedom of mind.
If you go very slowly, but do everything honestly and in the open, and pursue your relationship with your boyfriend, you may eventually find begrudging acceptance, as they will find there is nothing they can do, and therefore may try to make the best of it. But this will be very difficult for them because they believe their son is jeopardizing his eternal life. They compare this to the fall of King David of Israel whose downfall and unfaithfulness they attribute to the fact that he took wives of other faiths.
Even if you go very slowly, and invest a lot of time and effort, it could all blow up in your face, because it is a very precarious thing. To reduce the likelihood of such a "blow up", I recommend reading books such as "Releasing the Bonds", which will help you understand how to speak with gentleness to people whos minds are enslaved to cult organizations.
Even if your boyfriend overcomes the extreme controls exercised by the Witness organization, part of him will probably continue to buy into their judgement of him. Many former Witnesses live self-destructive lives because they consider themselves enemies of God for having left the organization. Your boyfriend can only escape this with a long hard road of serious recovery work, which few former Witnesses are lucky enough to find resources for.
Even if he leaves the Witnesses and recovers, his parents may cut him out of their lives, which means you will not have them as in-laws, and his entire side of the family may shun him and you, and possibly even your children.
In the long run, I think breaking off the relationship may be easier for you. Only you can decide if it is really worth the effort.
I know this isn't good news, but I feel a truthful answer is best because it will help you make wise decisions in the long run. I'm so sorry you have this to deal with.
I suggest you talk this over with your own parents, and show them this letter. They may have additional ideas for you on how to cope. They seem caring and supportive of you from what you have said.
May God guide you to a peaceful and effective solution.
Best wishes,
Andrew
Related Articles
- From Jehovah's Witness to Atheist: How & Why Witnesses Fade from Congregations - Jehovah's Witnesses Avoid Disfellowshipping by Fading
- Jehovah's Witness Testimony - Christian Testimony of an Ex-Jehovah's Witness
- Debating Jehovah's Witnesses: 10 Things You Don't Know About Jehovah's Witnesses
- Interview - Awakening of a Jehovah's Witness
- Raynee's Unbeatable Trio (Page 2)
Andrew
Expertise
I don't object to Witness theology, but rather their use of social pressure & deceptive manipulations to undermine family ties and control minds. (This may seem contradictory to Witnesses, who draw no distinction between spiritual belief and organizational policy.) I do not engage in theological debate. I support persons impacted by an experience with the Witnesses and advocate early education for everyone so that they can protect themselves from cults by understanding what to watch out for. (It's not what most people think.)
(Ex-)Witnesses: I know how upsetting it is to experience doubts (or anger) about your experience. Time does not heal this wound until you first remove the splinter, which takes more time and effort than you may realize. So, unless you have already put in that time and effort, don't be surprised if you are deeply affected long after the experience. But there is good news! You're NOT an enemy of God for doubting or for failing to meet the requirements of a human organization. An organization that lies cannot be the exclusive spokesman for the God of Truth. Tell me where you're at. I'll understand. I can show you how to begin or continue your recovery and make a life for yourself worth living.
Non-Witnesses: Describe your experience with your friend/relative who is (becoming) a Witness. I can help you understand the Witness indoctrination and social dynamics that are affecting him or her. I can help you put your options into perspective. Keep in mind that people do make their own choices (even though they may sometimes do so under outside influence) and you may not be able to affect this person's choices, even though they impact on you. After all, you do not have the arsenal of tactics that a cult does (and wouldn't want to). A few people manage to save their friend/relative, but don't count on it. What you can count on is navigating the maze more successfully by becoming more informed about your own options.
Experience
I was a Witness for 30 years, and a volunteer at their headquarters in Brooklyn, New York, for a year. I have attended meetings with many Witness congregations across the United States, a thorough cross-section, carefully observing patterns of behavior. Although being a Witness was difficult, and I gradually had more and more doubts about Witness teachings--I was a true believer, so I kept trying to make it work somehow. I stopped attending meetings in 1997 only after receiving an answer to a prayer about doing so, and have since been actively involved in recovery. This includes both my own and supporting others in theirs. Recovery can include reading books, communicating with others in recovery, and participating in support groups and/or therapy. It always involves reclaiming one's own mind and discovering the other sides of the issues that you have been blinded to in the past.
My gradual awakening was socially, psychologically, and spiritually tumultuous. I lost everything from my former life. My suffering was substantial.
But I have gained everything, so it was worth it. Only after beginning my recovery did I gain social, psychological, and spiritual healing and growth, peace of mind, and self-respect. Only then did I discover who I am; and--for the first time--the meaning of real brotherly love.
For more resources on this topic, try these web sites:
http://freeminds.org/
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/freedomofmind/
Education/Credentials
Like most Cult Recovery Counselors, I am a cult survivor. I have life experience, not professional training. Also I feel no need to apologize for that. People with professional training cannot understand what it is like to survive a cult unless they have been through it themselves, which few professional therapists have. Understanding what really happened and what works in this unusual social context is as important as psychological training. Most professional therapists are not specifically trained to support cult survivors. Those who are represent a rare and precious resource.
I sometimes refer people to professional therapists regarding deep personal issues. But surviving a cult is a broad experience with other dimensions. Professional therapy can be very helpful as part of your recovery process, assuming that you choose the right therapist. When choosing a therapist, remember that you are the client and they are a service provider. You are the one who holds authority about the relationship. You get to interview the therapist and decide which one to employ.
Be sure to ask what specific training and experience they have around recovery from cult mind control. Most therapists do not have relevant training. Some carry serious misunderstandings about what cult mind control is; and therefore will misunderstand your struggle. So it pays to be selective as a consumer of professional therapy services.
Past/Present Clients
The Witness organization is not like other churches. Most non-Witnesses really cannot imagine what it is like to be a Witness. The organization has unimaginably extensive rules and monitoring that affect every aspect of life, so there is no privacy and no sense of personal independence. "Independent thought" is considered their greatest "sin".
The organization insists on absolute conformity, and claims to directly represent God; so dissent is not tolerated, and authority is totalitarian. Being a Witness is more like living in China or the former Soviet Union than being a member of a religion as you know it. It was the research of Robert J. Lifton, who was studying--not religions--but totalitarian governments, who first began to illuminate the problem of religious cults around the world, which employ exactly the same tactics as totalitarian governments. His work remains a cornerstone for Cult Recovery Counselors still today. (This may be why many governments are tolerant of cults, to avoid exposing their own control tactics.)
Witnesses often experience unusually dysfunctional lives and an extensive array of personal problems stemming from broken family ties, stunted social development, inner unrest resulting from repressed doubts, inability to defend boundaries, and an extreme, persistent feeling of irrational shame. I can help people impacted by an experience with the Witnesses by revealing in detail the policies and social dynamics in the Witness organization that cause these problems.
©2012 About.com, a part of The New York Times Company. All rights reserved.