Critics of Jehovah`s Witnesses/Dating a Witness Girl

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Expert: - 11/16/2007


Question
I like this girl she is very nice and we get along great I've known her for a while. She is a Jehovah Witness, and so she can not date me. But if I had to pick between the two I would rather her not date me but get this "faith" out of her mind. It controls her life and it kills me to see this. It hurts me so much, to know how much bull shit she is being fed and I have to stand back like a chump and do nothing. Its not my place to change her faith, I know that would be wrong; but then I think well is it right for me to do nothing and just watch? This is tearing me apart, I just want to help and to know that you can't help is devastating. So any advice would be so appreciated.

Thank you.  

Answer
Dear Don,

I appreciate your dilemma. There is not only the question of whether it is morally right to reorient the path of another, but also what steps might be effective.

I agree with you that it is valuable to respect one another's life path, not take it upon ourselves to interfere and reorient the spiritual sensibilities of another person. You can rest most assured the Witnesses do not share this ethic; so your girlfriend is being trained to reorient your sensibilities in a way you would not do to her.

This awareness may suggest a certain caution is in order. Does a person deserve your respect for their life path when they will certainly not respect yours? If she remains a Witness she cannot respect your life path. Witnesses count non-Witnesses as "worldly" (Witness jargon which means evil) and dupes of the Devil; or at the very least spiritually blind and knowing no better. This is why she "cannot" date you. So while it may be morally right to respect another person's spiritual sensibilities, can we afford that approach when dealing with persons who will not return the same consideration?

I would not try to change another person's spiritual views, because I don't think there is any "one right way". People who doggedly advocate there is only "one right way" are usually under the illusion that God has communicated with a group where he actually has not. This is the mindset that all fundamentalists, including Jehovah's Witnesses use, to justify trying to change other person's spiritual views.

Even if we find it is right and possible to be gentle with her in ways she will not be with you, even if you choose to continue respecting her spiritual views, this does not require you to respect the deceptive policies and unhealthy social environment of your girlfriend's church. A healthy person cannot accept deception and injustice such as they routinely dish out, so if you remain healthy and pursue the relationship, you will likely see some things (policies) which you will object to, and you will likely object.

Worse yet, you would be gradually influenced into putting on blinders and not seeing the injustice anymore. You cannot be intimate with fire and not be burned. I really don't see how you can maintain your healthy critical thinking faculties, which you display in your inquiry, while building a life with a person who believes critical thinking is the greatest sin a person can commit.

What happens when you notice something totally outrageous in terms of organizational policy, and offer a critique, even with the highest possible level of diplomacy? Your girlfriend, who cannot tell the difference between spiritual teaching and organizational policy, would begin to feel you are attacking her spiritual teachings! You see cult organizations do not distinguish between their spiritual teachings and their policies. They view the organization itself as sacred, a mouthpiece of God, capable of no wrong, which mindset is used to blindly justify many atrocities.

You can require her to quit the Witnesses before you agree to date her (as she might require you to become a Witness before she will date you). But this is not a great basis for beginning a relationship, and I do not recommend it because it is easy to go back to old habits later. It is in fact very easy to get the girl out of the Witnesses, but very difficult to get the Witnesses out of the girl. The only way it will ever get out is if she pursues years of recovery work, which very few former Witnesses ever manage to do. I am very lucky.

Yes, "to know you can't help is devastating". It is very hard. I have experienced this first hand, so I know exactly what you mean. Ultimately you cannot "make" her embrace a healthier path, so you may have to make peace with the fact that you cannot. There are many spiritual counsellors and meditative exercises that can help you make peace with things you cannot change, so I'm sure you'll find one if you try. The real hard part is accepting you need to begin. I understand. I really do.

There are things you can do to introduce subtle influences, that might eventually produce good results with her, but there are no guarantees. For example, you could ask thought-provoking questions that are so gentle they do not raise her defenses. Beware of saying the wrong thing. It is easy, and almost inevitable, to say things that will offend her and make her raise her mental defenses; so great skill is needed. There are books you can read to get such awareness.

It would take a great deal of time, patience, and skill, for you to take this approach. Is it worth it to you? Only you can decide.

I'm sorry you feel conflicted with this. Rest assured it is less difficult for you to walk away now than to invest decades and still fail.

Blessings,
AndrewXJW

Critics of Jehovah`s Witnesses

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I don't object to Witness theology, but rather their use of social pressure & deceptive manipulations to undermine family ties and control minds. (This may seem contradictory to Witnesses, who draw no distinction between spiritual belief and organizational policy.) I do not engage in theological debate. I support persons impacted by an experience with the Witnesses and advocate early education for everyone so that they can protect themselves from cults by understanding what to watch out for. (It's not what most people think.)

(Ex-)Witnesses: I know how upsetting it is to experience doubts (or anger) about your experience. Time does not heal this wound until you first remove the splinter, which takes more time and effort than you may realize. So, unless you have already put in that time and effort, don't be surprised if you are deeply affected long after the experience. But there is good news! You're NOT an enemy of God for doubting or for failing to meet the requirements of a human organization. An organization that lies cannot be the exclusive spokesman for the God of Truth. Tell me where you're at. I'll understand. I can show you how to begin or continue your recovery and make a life for yourself worth living.

Non-Witnesses: Describe your experience with your friend/relative who is (becoming) a Witness. I can help you understand the Witness indoctrination and social dynamics that are affecting him or her. I can help you put your options into perspective. Keep in mind that people do make their own choices (even though they may sometimes do so under outside influence) and you may not be able to affect this person's choices, even though they impact on you. After all, you do not have the arsenal of tactics that a cult does (and wouldn't want to). A few people manage to save their friend/relative, but don't count on it. What you can count on is navigating the maze more successfully by becoming more informed about your own options.

Experience

I was a Witness for 30 years, and a volunteer at their headquarters in Brooklyn, New York, for a year. I have attended meetings with many Witness congregations across the United States, a thorough cross-section, carefully observing patterns of behavior. Although being a Witness was difficult, and I gradually had more and more doubts about Witness teachings--I was a true believer, so I kept trying to make it work somehow. I stopped attending meetings in 1997 only after receiving an answer to a prayer about doing so, and have since been actively involved in recovery. This includes both my own and supporting others in theirs. Recovery can include reading books, communicating with others in recovery, and participating in support groups and/or therapy. It always involves reclaiming one's own mind and discovering the other sides of the issues that you have been blinded to in the past.

My gradual awakening was socially, psychologically, and spiritually tumultuous. I lost everything from my former life. My suffering was substantial.

But I have gained everything, so it was worth it. Only after beginning my recovery did I gain social, psychological, and spiritual healing and growth, peace of mind, and self-respect. Only then did I discover who I am; and--for the first time--the meaning of real brotherly love.

For more resources on this topic, try these web sites:
http://freeminds.org/
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/freedomofmind/



Education/Credentials
Like most Cult Recovery Counselors, I am a cult survivor. I have life experience, not professional training. Also I feel no need to apologize for that. People with professional training cannot understand what it is like to survive a cult unless they have been through it themselves, which few professional therapists have. Understanding what really happened and what works in this unusual social context is as important as psychological training. Most professional therapists are not specifically trained to support cult survivors. Those who are represent a rare and precious resource.

I sometimes refer people to professional therapists regarding deep personal issues. But surviving a cult is a broad experience with other dimensions. Professional therapy can be very helpful as part of your recovery process, assuming that you choose the right therapist. When choosing a therapist, remember that you are the client and they are a service provider. You are the one who holds authority about the relationship. You get to interview the therapist and decide which one to employ.

Be sure to ask what specific training and experience they have around recovery from cult mind control. Most therapists do not have relevant training. Some carry serious misunderstandings about what cult mind control is; and therefore will misunderstand your struggle. So it pays to be selective as a consumer of professional therapy services.

Past/Present Clients
The Witness organization is not like other churches. Most non-Witnesses really cannot imagine what it is like to be a Witness. The organization has unimaginably extensive rules and monitoring that affect every aspect of life, so there is no privacy and no sense of personal independence. "Independent thought" is considered their greatest "sin".

The organization insists on absolute conformity, and claims to directly represent God; so dissent is not tolerated, and authority is totalitarian. Being a Witness is more like living in China or the former Soviet Union than being a member of a religion as you know it. It was the research of Robert J. Lifton, who was studying--not religions--but totalitarian governments, who first began to illuminate the problem of religious cults around the world, which employ exactly the same tactics as totalitarian governments. His work remains a cornerstone for Cult Recovery Counselors still today. (This may be why many governments are tolerant of cults, to avoid exposing their own control tactics.)

Witnesses often experience unusually dysfunctional lives and an extensive array of personal problems stemming from broken family ties, stunted social development, inner unrest resulting from repressed doubts, inability to defend boundaries, and an extreme, persistent feeling of irrational shame. I can help people impacted by an experience with the Witnesses by revealing in detail the policies and social dynamics in the Witness organization that cause these problems.

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