Expert: Andrew - 8/9/2007

Question
I have been involved with my girlfriend for over four years now. After a few months of dating we finally decided to have sex, but right before we did she informed me she was a jehova's witness. Naturally, like any highschool kid in love i told her i didn't care and that i loved her no matter what. I had absolutely no idea what a jehova's witness was. Well it's been four years and we have been talking about marriage and kids, but i have never met her parents! She has promised over and over yet nothing has ever happened. We have been having sex, I buy her birthday and christmas presents. I don't think she really believes in all that i have come to find out the watchtower and kingdom halls teach. Her dad is a very wealthy man and her uncle is a prominent elder in the "hall". I want a more traditional engagement and her idea to get around her religion is for me to get her pregnant. She doesn't believe her dad would allow her child to grow up with out a dad and that he would insist on us being married. And let her keep the lake house he just bought her and one of the buisnesses he has promised her. Im just wondering what is the difference to the elders? will her being pregnant make any difference in what they believe and thus what they allow her to do with me. Would a baby keep her from being disfellowshiped? Is there any way we can be together without her family especially her parents disowning her. I couldn't live with myself knowing i caused her to never be able to see or associate with her parents. My mom is hardcore church of christ so i know about strict religions. The sad thing is all the people in her meetings are whores and lesbians. She actually expiremented and lol i loved it. But of course one girl ratted them out to the elders and she almost was shunned. Her uncle being an elder and father a very generous charitable man towards the "hall" saved her. No way will I allow my kid to be a jehova's witness. Im buying my son/daughter all the birthday gifts christmas presents etc... My children will not be raised in a cult that allows and hides child abuse as well as spousal abuse. Im just really unsure about the whole situation. Except for the fact that i love my g/f and she loves me. Any advice or further insight into the ignorance that is the watchtower/jehova's witness cult would be greatly appreciated. In summary i guess my main question/questions are that i want 2 know if a baby would change the elder's acceptance of our relationship. And is there any way for a "goat" to marry a believer without the believer being shunned from her parents and family that have raised her?

Answer
Dear Tony,

What an awful experience to discover after 4 years of emotional investment that your girlfriend is playing elaborate mind games on you.

Based on your account, I would say that is what she is doing. This doesn't necessarily mean she does so maliciously, no not at all. Rather Witnesses who are exposed to mind games from birth and throughout their lives consider them normal and do not know a better way. So it becomes part of them, like breathing. How tragic!

The good news is that with hard work, Witnesses can reclaim their minds and eventually recover from cult mind control. Statistically, very few former Witnesses ever achieve complete recovery, and the suicide rate for former Witnesses is much higher than the general population.

By participating in premarital sexual relations, your girlfriend has taken a great risk, not only that she might be expelled from her religion, but also that she might be shunned and disinherited by her family. Although premarital sexual relations are normal in mainstream culture in the western world, they are not at all normal among Witnesses. Last I knew, the Witnesses were expelling 10,000 members per year, primarily for this very "offense".

Not only has she broken the rules of her religion by taking you to bed, even once, but also to even be considering a relationship with a non-Witness. They consider dating a non-Witness, even in a non-sexual way, to be a serious sin.

Witnesses do not look upon non-Witnesses as equals. They are seperatists, believing that they are God's chosen people, and that all non-Witnesses are the minions of the Devil who will die in the near future at Armageddon, and will likely drag down "faithful" Witnesses with them if they socialize together. So her parents' primary concern, if they are typical Witnesses, is that she will die at Armageddon too, along with you, because of you. Imagine how they will feel toward you at family gatherings should you and your girlfriend get married!

So your girlfriend is very understandably avoiding introducing you to her parents and suggesting strange and convoluted plans as a means of not losing her whole world (religion, community, friends, family, and inheritance) when her congregation, a closed community of seperatists, discovers that she has not only dated, but also repeatedly slept with, a non-Witness.

Her suggestion to get pregnant before introducing you to her family is not consistent with any rational understanding of Witness behavior that I know; rather I suspect it is somewhat irrational because she is very desperate. Some women tend to think having a baby will cement a marriage. This misguided concept is not a characteristic of Witness mind at all, but is found in mainstream culture.

My experience with the Witnesses is that she will probably have to either choose between you and the rest of her world, or she will have to continue hiding you from the rest of her world. No, a baby would not prevent her from being expelled. In most congregations, it would be used as proof that she has been "unfaithful" to God, and therefore that she is more "deserving" of expulsion.

If "no way will you allow your kid to be a Jehovah's Witness" and "your children will not be raised in a cult that allows and hides abuse" then I suggest you not even consider continuing your relationship with your girlfriend until/unless she makes substantial progress in recovering from her cult experience.

If the mother-to-be of your children still attends meetings with the Witnesses, how can you reasonably expect that your children would not become Witnesses, not be raised in a cult? You cannot always control what comes after, but you can control your choice to pursue a relationship with her.

It is possible that she can leave the Witnesses and recover from the experience without losing her family if she gradually drifts away from Witness activities. If they find out 3 to 5 years after she stops attending their meetings that she is dating a non-Witness, they will probably not expel or shun her.

On the other hand, if they find out about you while she is still attending meetings, it is much more likely they will expel and shun her, including her family who are Witnesses.

Gradually drifting away then waiting a long period of time before they even know you exist is the only way she may be able to keep her world, and even then it is not guaranteed.

Can she reclaim her mind and begin her recovery without drawing a clear line in the sand? Unknown. Can you expect a normal family life if she does not reclaim her mind and complete an exhausting recovery process? Perhaps not.

You're right that Jehovah's Witnesses are a cult. You should protect yourself by learning what cult mind control is so it can never be used against you. This is a significant risk based on what you have said because your girlfriend has already used significant mind games against you, and Witnesses are masterful with mind games, whether they realize it or not. But I am glad you seem determined to keep control of your own mind. That is certainly a factor in your favor.

You may also be able to make a more informed decision about your girlfriend, and where she is at in her worldview, by reading a book such as Steven Hassan's "Releasing the Bonds". It is an eye-opener.

Please do not bring a child into the world as a way of manipulating a twisted social system. Your children deserve a loving, peaceful, balanced, emotionally healthy environment, which is nowhere to be found in this circumstance as you have described it.

If you cut your losses now, you have only lost 4 years. If you continue casually, you may lose your children and your mind. I lost much more than 4 years. If you look at the bigger picture, you may save yourself from losing more.

So I'm glad you're asking questions. Please take the time to find complete answers so you can make fully informed decisions.

Best wishes,
AndrewXJW