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Critics of Jehovah`s Witnesses/Dating
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Question
I have been dating someone is is JW for almost a year now. The problem is i have yet to meet his family. This is really bothering me. He has strong family value which coincide with mine. I am baptist, and we have discussed a future and I have made it clear i will not convert ever, and he respects that. Children are not an issue for either of us since we both already have kids and dont want anymore. He says that when the time is right i will meet his family. A friend of mind said that they have strict rules about introducing you to family since they are really not suppose to date unsupervise and of course we all not the no sex rule, thats with every religion. But she was saying that introduction to family is a very big deal and that when this happens you are basically saying this is there person ive choosen to spend my life with????
To me this is cracy because I cant decide if i want to spend my life with you until i meet your family and know where you come from. Can someone please give me the complete run down on JW dating rules and meeting family and anything else that you think would help me understand.
Dear Sae,
There is another reason your fiance may hesitate to introduce you to his family. He is breaking rules of his religion to date and marry a non-Witness. Even though you are both Christians and both carry traditional values, Witnesses count all non-Witnesses as "unbelievers", and therefore they feel the bible passage applies "do not be yoked to an unbeliever". They interpret this to mean "do not marry a non-Witness".
They apply the term "worldly" to all non-Witnesses, and to them this is a derogatory and judgemental term. They consider "worldly" people to be more sinful because they are more ignorant and know no better.
So if his parents are devout Witnesses, which most are, there is not only the issue of chastity to be concerned about, but also he could face punishment from his congregation elders for dating you. They might give him an ultimatum and tell him if he does not cut off his relationship with you, he will be expelled.
Then if he goes through with his plans to marry you, he will be expelled. He may figure if the elders don't find out until after you're married, then he will not be in trouble with them as much; and he would be correct in figuring that way.
I think you may be underestimating the degree of control Witness elders have over members of their congregations. They do expel about 10,000 members every year, who are then shunned, cut off from their faith, their family & friends, their community. This is a very strong motivator to do whatever they are told.
Witnesses do not have any special rule that 'once you meet the parents you are as good as engaged'; although a degree of seriousness is implied in mainstream culture at the milestone of meeting the parents; and that would carry over to Witness families also.
Witnesses do not date at all except with the intention to marry, but they also understand that not all dating relationships lead to a mutual agreement to marry. They do consider engagement to be a very serious decision, almost as firm a comittment as marriage itself. If a Witness breaks off an engagement with another Witness without good cause, he can lose privileges of service within the congregation, although he would not be expelled.
It would be considered 'good cause' to break off an engagement with an 'unbeliever'.
Although the Baptist faith may be quite traditional, and practice firm self-discipline in Christian values, I don't believe it is a cult.
Jehovah's Witnesses are definitely a cult, and therefore your fiance is in the habit of being influenced and influencing others by means of many mind games without even being aware of it. This can be very damaging to an intimate relationship. It is more than just strictness.
He is also accustomed to being controlled and not making decisions for himself. Instead he will either consult Witness literature regarding every decision he makes, or he will feel guilty and nervous for not doing so.
He knows he is not 'supposed to' marry a non-Witness, and this may be the reason he hesitates to introduce you to his family. The risk is real for him that he could be punished. If his father is an elder and he marries you, his father will probably lose his position as an elder, which means the family will put pressure on him not to marry you.
He may also be worried that you will notice extreme behaviors and you may break off the relationship when you find out how different the Witnesses are.
Even though you have decided not to convert, your fiance and his family will never stop trying to convert you if you marry. They treat non-Witnesses condescendingly. The usual family gatherings that you may be used to, such as at birthdays and holidays, do not occur among Witnesses; and they will avoid socializing with you whenever possible because you are a non-Witness; so don't be surprised that there are few if any opportunities to be together as an extended family from his side if you marry.
If you are not familiar with the tactics of cult mind control, you are also at risk of being seduced by Witness mind. So I recommend to everyone involved with the Witnesses to study and understand the tactics of cult mind control. This serves as an 'innoculation'. If you understand exactly how cult mind control works, then you are in a better position to see it coming, and be able to consciously reject it when you encounter it. If you don't know what to watch for, you are at risk of being recruited into their organization. They won't force you, but they know how to change your mind over time.
Many people in your position who said they would never convert eventually do convert.
I hope this helps.
Best wishes,
Andrew
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Andrew
Expertise
I don't object to Witness theology, but rather their use of social pressure & deceptive manipulations to undermine family ties and control minds. (This may seem contradictory to Witnesses, who draw no distinction between spiritual belief and organizational policy.) I do not engage in theological debate. I support persons impacted by an experience with the Witnesses and advocate early education for everyone so that they can protect themselves from cults by understanding what to watch out for. (It's not what most people think.)
(Ex-)Witnesses: I know how upsetting it is to experience doubts (or anger) about your experience. Time does not heal this wound until you first remove the splinter, which takes more time and effort than you may realize. So, unless you have already put in that time and effort, don't be surprised if you are deeply affected long after the experience. But there is good news! You're NOT an enemy of God for doubting or for failing to meet the requirements of a human organization. An organization that lies cannot be the exclusive spokesman for the God of Truth. Tell me where you're at. I'll understand. I can show you how to begin or continue your recovery and make a life for yourself worth living.
Non-Witnesses: Describe your experience with your friend/relative who is (becoming) a Witness. I can help you understand the Witness indoctrination and social dynamics that are affecting him or her. I can help you put your options into perspective. Keep in mind that people do make their own choices (even though they may sometimes do so under outside influence) and you may not be able to affect this person's choices, even though they impact on you. After all, you do not have the arsenal of tactics that a cult does (and wouldn't want to). A few people manage to save their friend/relative, but don't count on it. What you can count on is navigating the maze more successfully by becoming more informed about your own options.
Experience
I was a Witness for 30 years, and a volunteer at their headquarters in Brooklyn, New York, for a year. I have attended meetings with many Witness congregations across the United States, a thorough cross-section, carefully observing patterns of behavior. Although being a Witness was difficult, and I gradually had more and more doubts about Witness teachings--I was a true believer, so I kept trying to make it work somehow. I stopped attending meetings in 1997 only after receiving an answer to a prayer about doing so, and have since been actively involved in recovery. This includes both my own and supporting others in theirs. Recovery can include reading books, communicating with others in recovery, and participating in support groups and/or therapy. It always involves reclaiming one's own mind and discovering the other sides of the issues that you have been blinded to in the past.
My gradual awakening was socially, psychologically, and spiritually tumultuous. I lost everything from my former life. My suffering was substantial.
But I have gained everything, so it was worth it. Only after beginning my recovery did I gain social, psychological, and spiritual healing and growth, peace of mind, and self-respect. Only then did I discover who I am; and--for the first time--the meaning of real brotherly love.
For more resources on this topic, try these web sites:
http://freeminds.org/
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/freedomofmind/
Education/Credentials
Like most Cult Recovery Counselors, I am a cult survivor. I have life experience, not professional training. Also I feel no need to apologize for that. People with professional training cannot understand what it is like to survive a cult unless they have been through it themselves, which few professional therapists have. Understanding what really happened and what works in this unusual social context is as important as psychological training. Most professional therapists are not specifically trained to support cult survivors. Those who are represent a rare and precious resource.
I sometimes refer people to professional therapists regarding deep personal issues. But surviving a cult is a broad experience with other dimensions. Professional therapy can be very helpful as part of your recovery process, assuming that you choose the right therapist. When choosing a therapist, remember that you are the client and they are a service provider. You are the one who holds authority about the relationship. You get to interview the therapist and decide which one to employ.
Be sure to ask what specific training and experience they have around recovery from cult mind control. Most therapists do not have relevant training. Some carry serious misunderstandings about what cult mind control is; and therefore will misunderstand your struggle. So it pays to be selective as a consumer of professional therapy services.
Past/Present Clients
The Witness organization is not like other churches. Most non-Witnesses really cannot imagine what it is like to be a Witness. The organization has unimaginably extensive rules and monitoring that affect every aspect of life, so there is no privacy and no sense of personal independence. "Independent thought" is considered their greatest "sin".
The organization insists on absolute conformity, and claims to directly represent God; so dissent is not tolerated, and authority is totalitarian. Being a Witness is more like living in China or the former Soviet Union than being a member of a religion as you know it. It was the research of Robert J. Lifton, who was studying--not religions--but totalitarian governments, who first began to illuminate the problem of religious cults around the world, which employ exactly the same tactics as totalitarian governments. His work remains a cornerstone for Cult Recovery Counselors still today. (This may be why many governments are tolerant of cults, to avoid exposing their own control tactics.)
Witnesses often experience unusually dysfunctional lives and an extensive array of personal problems stemming from broken family ties, stunted social development, inner unrest resulting from repressed doubts, inability to defend boundaries, and an extreme, persistent feeling of irrational shame. I can help people impacted by an experience with the Witnesses by revealing in detail the policies and social dynamics in the Witness organization that cause these problems.
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