Expert: Andrew - 5/8/2006

Question
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Followup To
Question -
Dear Andrew: My wife has been going to the hall and studying with the jw's for 25+ years.For the past year she has been spending eaght hours or more every sunday after there meeting hanging with the sisters. I have pointed out to her that going to the hall is not a social event.
My question is how do I pry here out of the clutches of the society? I have pointed out the many false hoods the jw's put fourth yet she always comes back with what else would she do or it makes here feel good, what can I do or say?
Im thinking about getting a devorce sure would hate to flush thirty two years of marrige down the crapper.
Oh what can I do????? HELP....
Answer -
Dear Paul,

In order to offer any meaningful help, I need one critical piece of information. Please respond ASAP:

You say she has been attending for a very long time, but also say she's spending a lot more time "for the past year".

Did you have a sense that she was her own woman, thinking for herself, making her own decisions, and that this began to change, that she started to become more accomodating to Witness eccentricities? When did it begin to change? When did you start to notice her becoming more accomodating to them? A year ago? A month ago?

If it happened a year ago when she started spending more time, did you notice any other changes in her at that time?

Best wishes,
Andrew




HI, Andrew  She is not her own woman I fear the society is thinking for her.All this has accelerated over the past year I used to (in a nice way) point out things that the jw's were saying or doing that are wrong and she would accept what I said and give me her own thoughts now she tells me she doesnt want to hear it.I think I might have triggered this about a year ago she told me she was going to start attending "studies" several times a week I told her NO after we talked she said ok and I though that was the end of it now I have found that on sundays when she is with the sisters that they have been doing studies at one of there homes it is way out of carrcter for her to deceive or lie. Im thinking of moving to a remote part of New Mexico where the nearest hall is over a hundred miles away. Hope this what you need and can help thanks.  

Answer
Dear Paul,

> HI, Andrew She is not her own woman I fear the society is
> thinking for her.All this has accelerated over the past
> year I used to (in a nice way) point out things that the
> jw's were saying or doing that are wrong and she would
> accept what I said and give me her own thoughts now she
> tells me she doesnt want to hear it.

You must stop criticizing the organization. She has been taught that those who criticize the organization are agents of the Devil. The mental barriers that prevent her from hearing an open honest critique from you are complete. It takes great care to overcome these barriers. If you wish to salvage your relationship, I recommend you get your hands on the book "Releasing the Bonds" by Steven Hassan as quickly as you can. Read the book, and it will give you pointers on how to use savvy in asking questions that help her think for herself again without making you look like the Devil.

I recommend this book because it is very applicable to the Witnesses without specifically mentioning them. Other books which specifically mention the Witnesses would be considered hostile and taboo to them. But this one is right on target without raising that mental barrier. Still it is not intended for your wife immediately, but just for you.

> I think I might have triggered this about a year ago she
> told me she was going to start attending "studies"
> several times a week I told her NO after we talked she
> said ok and I though that was the end of it now I have
> found that on sundays when she is with the sisters that
> they have been doing studies at one of there homes it is
> way out of carrcter for her to deceive or lie.

Man, I hear that! Witnesses begin to do many things that seem odd to non-Witnesses, including deceptions. They don't consciously believe it is OK to lie, but rather they have this ethic that says the end justifies the means, and if the end is to save your wife's life (according to their worldview and theology) then this makes it OK to do whatever is needed, including lying to you. You are now considered an "unbelieving husband" to them, and you are no longer the head of your family because Witnesses teach women like your wife that they have to take the lead and teach YOU where possible on spiritual matters because you don't know any better.

This may seem insulting, but you have to resist the urge to react, because if you react without first understanding Witness tactics and the methods in Mr. Hassan's book meant to help you deal with those tactics, you will not get through to her.

> Im thinking of moving to a remote part of New Mexico
> where the nearest hall is over a hundred miles away. Hope
> this what you need and can help thanks.

You must love her very much to take such a drastic action. I don't know whether this would help. By itself, I doubt it would be enough, because she still has the telephone and perhaps the Internet.

Cutting Witnesses off from other members of the congregation might have a positive effect because eventually she may begin to think their own thoughts again. Then she might be able to hear your open honest critiques once again and say to herself, "Whew! That was stupid."

It may also backfire, creating a martyr complex and only reinforcing her determination to follow their idealogy, in which case she may leave you.

Keep in mind, she believes she is following God, and that can be a strong motivator. The concept among Witnesses is that God speaks through their organization, so turning one's back on the organization is EQUAL TO turning one's back on God.

Get the book and read it ASAP, because it will help you make an informed decision about what you're up against, and whether your relocation plan might help.

It is a long difficult road to recovery from cult mind control. The longer she is in, the longer it will take for her to get out. Move swiftly and carefully.

I wish you the best of success. Please write me again if I can offer any further clarification on what they are doing to her or how to deal with specific tactics.

Best wishes,
Andrew