Expert: Andrew - 10/1/2007

Question
My sister is a Jehovahs witness and she moved away from us not wanting to tell us her address. we no longer see her she doesnt ring the only communication is by msn not very often and i find myself doing all the chasing.She does not see our parents and now that one of then is seriously ill i have tried to tell her but it seems as though she is very disinterested. Please can you enlighten me why this is and will she be ok with this if one of them passes away. why do they disown their own flesh and blood as i cannot accept this nor understand as it hurts me so much surely if there is a god he would not want this..

Answer
Dear Carol,

I'm sorry you've suffered this experience. The reason your sister is behaving as she is is simply this: Jehovah's Witnesses are seperatists. As do all cults, the Witness organization manipulates it's members into cutting off family ties. Their mental framework justifies this as a necessary means of maintaining idealogical purity.

There is also a more fundamental "justification" behind that which Witnesses themselves are generally unaware of. People who are seperated from their life foundations are easier to control. Family relationships and long-standing friendships are among the foundations of your sister's life. The more the Witnesses can seperate her from those foundations, the easier it is for them to control her, that is, manipulate her into cementing her allegiance to the organization.

I don't believe Witnesses are conscious and malicious about this particular control device. Rather I think they do it semi-aware with what seems justifiable reasons to them. Nevertheless, all cults follow this same practice. One common misconception is that things like this are done maliciously, that somehow cult leaders learn in advance with devious intent how to control people, then apply what they have learned duplicitously. Rather my experience suggests that cult leaders learn independently through trial and error how to control the minds of other people. The reason they ultimately end up using the same set of tactics is because there is only one finite set of tactics that works. Eventually over time with many trials and errors they all finally arrive independently on a set of policies that serves the same function. This is how they can practice an evil art without being aware of it.

The reason your sister is disinterested in your parents' illness is because in her mindset you and the parents are already as good as dead because you are not Witnesses. Should you remain non-Witnesses, she now views you as all Witnesses view you, as a minion of the devil soon to be destroyed by God. Her natural human nature responds to this awful concept by withdrawing her tender feelings from you, and the Witness idealogy gives her justification for doing so.

Should you and the parents become Witnesses, then your relationship would still suffer by becoming conditional. Every decision of your lives, large and small, would be subject to the approval of the organization's policies and local Witness elders' whims. Should you fail in meeting any expectation, however minor, you and your sister would be conditioned to turn each other in to the leadership.

Your sister has apparently already closed her heart to you and the parents, and already considers you and they as good as dead. So the surface pseudo-personality of your sister will consider their actual physical death a minor event barely worthy of notice. Should she some day recover from her Witness conditioning, she will find her real personality buried deep within has much grieving to do and she may never achieve peace with this because she did not have a chance to say goodbye or to make the most of her last opportunity with the parents.

I agree that 'god would not want this'. God is love. It is inconceivable that God, who is love, would approve of destroyed families and imprisoned minds. This dynamic of the Witness organization is most certainly an evil invention of misguided people who falsely claim to speak for God. I think generally they are well-meaning, but deeply misguided. What else can we expect of those who delude themselves into thinking they actually speak for God?

Much evil has been done in the history of the human race by people claiming to speak for God. I think most atheists are not so much reacting to the concept of God but rather this abuse of power by deluded people.

If you would like to help your sister, I suggest you educate yourself further so as to know the right things to say to her, because it is very easy to make matters worse by saying the wrong thing.

It may be possible for you to influence her in subtle ways. An open and honest approach, although it is best in other circumstances, will not work in this circumstance. If you openly oppose her participation with the Witnesses, it would only appear to her as confirmation that you are an agent of the Devil. It would only raise her defenses more staunchly and push her further into their grasp.

In order for you to learn the subtle influences that can help her to recover her own true personality and value set and natural thinking process, you must educate yourself before you try to speak to her.

Ultimately, people make their own decisions. Your sister must decide for herself whether to continue her Witness career, and she will only recover if she chooses recovery. So your ability to influence her in subtle ways cannot be counted on. Because you care for your sister, you may try.

But because it cannot be counted on, you must also take care of yourself and find peace with this very grave situation. You will likely benefit from further support. I do not recommend psychology professionals unless they have specific training in cult recovery, as many psychology professionals not trained in this specific area will likely misdiagnose and misdirect a person seeking support or recovery.

Clergy may be able to offer support. Cult recovery support networks online are available. There are many good books written on the subject, often by cult survivors. You may be able to find or create a face-to-face support group in your locality, which is the best approach when possible. It may be time for you to learn a form of meditation or prayer to help you deal with the loss of your sister.

I know this may sound like bad news, and it is. I'm sorry for your loss. My premise is that better awareness will help you navigate your path more effectively and make more fully informed choices in harmony with your own value set.

May the universe support you and your family in healing and peace. Please let me know if I can help with further questions.

Best wishes,
AndrewXJW