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Critics of Jehovah`s Witnesses/Marriage on a brink of devorce with 11yo daughter.
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Question
Hi, I am married to my wife who is a baptised Jehovah witness. When she met me 14 years ago she worked for me and was a JW then. We had an affair and she slept with 2 other guys and got disfellowshiped. I married her after that and her parents asked there elders if they would come to our wedding. They agreed and gave us there blessings. Well I went with her for 9 months to meetings to get her reinstated and I then stopped going. After a year or 2 I told her that she must not attend all the meeting and she agreed. Like cancer it developed into full witnessing and slowly started destroying my marriage. We had a daughter 3 years after we got married. She told me 3 years ago that she hated oral sex (She always wanted it) and lied about many things to defend her teachings from the watchtower. We moved to Australia last year and it then came to me that she loved the Watchtower Jehovah and I was 2nd . I told her that she was to give consideration to me and my daughter and miss the odd meeting when we need her. She went to the elders with the problem and came back saying it was not negotiable. The fact that when we got married she was disfellowshiped and broke my first marriage up (2Boys) and her sleeping around and her parents coming to our wedding is not a problem. How do I go about proving to her that it is the Watchtower and the people in Brooklyn who have destroyed our lives. She seems not to care about that or our daughter as living forever is more important. I will do anything to seek and destroy this enemy. I appreciated any help. Thanks, Dennis.
Dear Dennis,
I'm sorry you are facing this struggle.
My expertise is in helping promote freedom of mind, that is, helping people who themselves are struggling with reclaiming their own mind space, and promoting family integrity by exposing the ways Witnesses destroy families to people who are about to become Witnesses, so that hopefully they will think twice.
You already know the horror story of how they destroy families, so you don't need me to warn you about it before you make a mistake. You're already up to your chin. You aren't reclaiming your own mind space, but just trying to make your wife wake up to realize what she's doing.
I'm afraid I don't have much good news for you. I don't think there are any experts in the struggle you're facing because there is very little likelihood of success. (Experts are people who have had success in a certain area.) I can help you understand your situation, but I'm not confident that I (or anyone for that matter) can help you succeed in it. I'm sorry. To some extent, it is helpful to be forewarned, and that is probably the best I can offer.
My experience is that people only wake up when they're ready to. There probably isn't anything you can do at this point to 'prove to her that the Watchtower has destroyed your life' together. People subject to cult mind control can only hear what they're ready to hear. Based on what you say, she just isn't ready to hear that. So if you try to say it directly, she'll hear something else.
For example, you may say, "The Witnesses are tearing us apart"; but she would instead hear something like "I choose the Devil's world and you choose God, so we don't belong together". Whatever you say, it is likely to reinforce her conviction. The Witnesses do an incredible job of indoctrinating their new students over time on how to overcome objections. She is SPECIFICALLY indoctrinated to anticipate objections from you, and will be quick to label you an agent of the Devil, whether she says so out loud or not.
The Witnesses have taught her that it is inevitable that your marriage would be strained because one of you is a "believer" and the other isn't. Your solution is for her to quit the Witnesses, but they've taught her that would make her an enemy of God and terminate her prospects for eternal life. So to her way of thinking, it's much easier for her to lose you than to lose life, and that's why you come second.
I know in view of her history with you, it's not fair, but this is what they believe.
If you really 'will do anything to destroy this enemy' then you have some reading to do. You won't be able to get much bang for your buck, and will end up shooting yourself in the foot, unless you educate yourself first on exactly what they're doing and exactly how you can maximize your effectiveness.
So DON'T SAY ONE WORD to her or any of the Witnesses until you've done your homework. I suggest you start with "Releasing the Bonds" by Steven Hassan. That book will give you some great pointers on how to talk to her without raising her defenses.
If you've already spoken up, apologize and tell your wife and any other Witnesses you spoke to that you made a mistake and were just in a bad mood that day. It's better for them to think of you as a loose cannon than an agent of the Devil. You may have to swallow your pride in order to apologize when you know you're right, but if you don't, they raise their defenses and you lose right from the start.
The best you can hope for is that she will begin to see the light and then leave the Witnesses with you gradually over the next couple years. And it will take a tremendous amount of patience and dedication.
This is one arena where decisive action just won't help you. Even though taking decisive action may be the thing you feel like, and it might make you feel better, it won't help you wake her up.
The good news is this: If you do divorce and get joint custody, there's a very good chance your daughter will not become a Witness, because life is so hard for young Witnesses, that if you give her a way out, she will probably take it. That's the most common pattern, anyway. So there's a possible light at the end of the tunnel for you if you were to go in that direction.
I know you didn't deserve this. I'm sorry you have it to deal with.
Best wishes,
Andrew
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Andrew
Expertise
I don't object to Witness theology, but rather their use of social pressure & deceptive manipulations to undermine family ties and control minds. (This may seem contradictory to Witnesses, who draw no distinction between spiritual belief and organizational policy.) I do not engage in theological debate. I support persons impacted by an experience with the Witnesses and advocate early education for everyone so that they can protect themselves from cults by understanding what to watch out for. (It's not what most people think.)
(Ex-)Witnesses: I know how upsetting it is to experience doubts (or anger) about your experience. Time does not heal this wound until you first remove the splinter, which takes more time and effort than you may realize. So, unless you have already put in that time and effort, don't be surprised if you are deeply affected long after the experience. But there is good news! You're NOT an enemy of God for doubting or for failing to meet the requirements of a human organization. An organization that lies cannot be the exclusive spokesman for the God of Truth. Tell me where you're at. I'll understand. I can show you how to begin or continue your recovery and make a life for yourself worth living.
Non-Witnesses: Describe your experience with your friend/relative who is (becoming) a Witness. I can help you understand the Witness indoctrination and social dynamics that are affecting him or her. I can help you put your options into perspective. Keep in mind that people do make their own choices (even though they may sometimes do so under outside influence) and you may not be able to affect this person's choices, even though they impact on you. After all, you do not have the arsenal of tactics that a cult does (and wouldn't want to). A few people manage to save their friend/relative, but don't count on it. What you can count on is navigating the maze more successfully by becoming more informed about your own options.
Experience
I was a Witness for 30 years, and a volunteer at their headquarters in Brooklyn, New York, for a year. I have attended meetings with many Witness congregations across the United States, a thorough cross-section, carefully observing patterns of behavior. Although being a Witness was difficult, and I gradually had more and more doubts about Witness teachings--I was a true believer, so I kept trying to make it work somehow. I stopped attending meetings in 1997 only after receiving an answer to a prayer about doing so, and have since been actively involved in recovery. This includes both my own and supporting others in theirs. Recovery can include reading books, communicating with others in recovery, and participating in support groups and/or therapy. It always involves reclaiming one's own mind and discovering the other sides of the issues that you have been blinded to in the past.
My gradual awakening was socially, psychologically, and spiritually tumultuous. I lost everything from my former life. My suffering was substantial.
But I have gained everything, so it was worth it. Only after beginning my recovery did I gain social, psychological, and spiritual healing and growth, peace of mind, and self-respect. Only then did I discover who I am; and--for the first time--the meaning of real brotherly love.
For more resources on this topic, try these web sites:
http://freeminds.org/
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/freedomofmind/
Education/Credentials
Like most Cult Recovery Counselors, I am a cult survivor. I have life experience, not professional training. Also I feel no need to apologize for that. People with professional training cannot understand what it is like to survive a cult unless they have been through it themselves, which few professional therapists have. Understanding what really happened and what works in this unusual social context is as important as psychological training. Most professional therapists are not specifically trained to support cult survivors. Those who are represent a rare and precious resource.
I sometimes refer people to professional therapists regarding deep personal issues. But surviving a cult is a broad experience with other dimensions. Professional therapy can be very helpful as part of your recovery process, assuming that you choose the right therapist. When choosing a therapist, remember that you are the client and they are a service provider. You are the one who holds authority about the relationship. You get to interview the therapist and decide which one to employ.
Be sure to ask what specific training and experience they have around recovery from cult mind control. Most therapists do not have relevant training. Some carry serious misunderstandings about what cult mind control is; and therefore will misunderstand your struggle. So it pays to be selective as a consumer of professional therapy services.
Past/Present Clients
The Witness organization is not like other churches. Most non-Witnesses really cannot imagine what it is like to be a Witness. The organization has unimaginably extensive rules and monitoring that affect every aspect of life, so there is no privacy and no sense of personal independence. "Independent thought" is considered their greatest "sin".
The organization insists on absolute conformity, and claims to directly represent God; so dissent is not tolerated, and authority is totalitarian. Being a Witness is more like living in China or the former Soviet Union than being a member of a religion as you know it. It was the research of Robert J. Lifton, who was studying--not religions--but totalitarian governments, who first began to illuminate the problem of religious cults around the world, which employ exactly the same tactics as totalitarian governments. His work remains a cornerstone for Cult Recovery Counselors still today. (This may be why many governments are tolerant of cults, to avoid exposing their own control tactics.)
Witnesses often experience unusually dysfunctional lives and an extensive array of personal problems stemming from broken family ties, stunted social development, inner unrest resulting from repressed doubts, inability to defend boundaries, and an extreme, persistent feeling of irrational shame. I can help people impacted by an experience with the Witnesses by revealing in detail the policies and social dynamics in the Witness organization that cause these problems.
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