Expert: Andrew - 6/26/2007

Question
QUESTION: We were raised in a JW family, but I never baptized (just stopped attending meetings around college).  We are all grown adults now, and I converted to Catholism when I began having children 12 years ago.  Despite my conversion to Catholism, my parents/family do not discuss religion with me nor do I with them - WE HAVE AGREED TO RESPECT EACH OTHERS BELIEFS.  However, when my children spend time ALONE with my JW family/parents, they report to me conversations about the JW teachings, views, writing notes for the theocratic school ministry, listening to the link-in over the phone on Sunday mornings and ASKED TO WRITE NOTES about what they were hearing/the talk, etc etc.  These events have not been surrounded by one particular event or a conversation that I can pinpoint; various times, various different events.  

My children are ages 12, 8 and 5 years.  We live in the same neighborhood as my parents and some family members.  I moved 3 states away several years ago with such relief; they moved to my neighborhood last summer.

I'd like to know from you how I can once again (maybe the 12th time we've seriously discussed this with them) convey to them that I am not beyond distancing my children from them, due to their lack of respect of my wishes.  I do understand my family's requirement to "witness" to all.  I just thought we had this settled that my kids were the exception.  I find it no more loving to have them witness to my children, as I do to pull my children from them.  It's certainly a precarious situation for us all, but it shouldn't be at my children's expense.  

Thank you in advance for any opinion(s) you may have on this topic.

ANSWER: Dear Samantha,

You must understand by now that despite your clear expressions to your parents, they will never stop trying to "save the eternal lives" of their grandchildren. I think they do not intentionally wish to disrespect your wishes, yet they cannot stop hoping to "save the lives" of their grandchildren.

I'm sure they are well-meaning grandparents, but are caught between a rock and a hard place due to the Witness teaching that all non-Witnesses will perish at Armageddon, which has been "just around the corner" for 130 years now.

The more rare their opportunities to see the grandchildren, the more intense their efforts may become to proselytize them.

In most US states, as I understand it, you are within your legal rights to cut ties between your parents and your children. In all localities, you can reduce the frequency of visits; and I understand if you feel this is necessary. Perhaps merely the threat of doing so would make your parents somewhat more responsive to your wishes. It would be a shame if you had to carry through.

However, another possible approach might be to 1) accept the destiny that your children are to grow up early due to this difficult experience and 2) provide them with thorough innoculation against cult mind control tactics by teaching them how cults operate. They need not be taught to disrespect their grandparents; rather they should always be taught that their grandparents mean well but have not yet learned how to take off a mask they are wearing; not unlike the title character in Spider Man 3.

Even good people can be taken over by a superficial mask and do things they don't mean to do, until they learn how to take off the mask. So the goal is not to harm or disrespect the grandparents, but eventually help them take off their mask, and in the meantime protect ourselves from the effects of the mask.

The reason it is very important for everyone to be innoculated against cult mind control, and especially children who may be exposed to it, is because people cannot protect themselves against things they cannot see coming; and we cannot see cult mind control coming until we understand the specific tactics that it uses.

I suggest you make an appointment with a consultant who has extensive experience with cult mind control tactics, and let them teach your children, in age-appropriate ways, what to watch out for. Two or three such appointments should be enough in my estimation to protect your children for 5 years or more. If you'd like to disclose your city and state, I may be able to recommend such a consultant.

Or if you feel able to do so yourself, you might first study the subject in depth yourself (which could have side benefits for you personally in resolving your past experience with the Witnesses) and then provide your children with such lessons directly.

The good news, that may bring you some relief, is that--statistically speaking--when children have a choice between a controlling environment and a free environment, they almost always choose the free environment. Of course it is too dangerous to leave your own children up to statistical averages, so I understand you will want to take further steps to protect them.

I hope some of this information is helpful to you.

Best wishes,
AndrewXJW

---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: Thank you so much, Andrew, for your thoughtful advice.  I'm in the zip code of 77840 - College Station, TX if you have anyone in particular for me to seek counseling for the children to help understand their grandparents'/extended family's religion.  

I can say that, due to MY personal ethical, moral, and spiritual beliefs, I would never seek legal matters to discontinue my parents from seeing my children. I'm thinking that the counseling and insight they can gain from a therapist dealing in cults, as you mentioned, is a great idea and is one I've not considered...kudos to you!  Thanks a bunch for that!  

As a side note, it's ironic to me that my parents/extended family "conduct their life" in a manner following Christ's, yet they have little respect for others' believes - - particularly mine in this instance.  I can't tell you how my skin crawls when my 8-yr-old comes home, begins crying, and starts talking about how she won't be able to see my parents in Paradise; she had been talking to her 10-yr-old cousin.  Truly amazing how vulnerable, gullable, and naive children are, and they always keeps me on my toes (in all aspects of life).

Thank you again for the input.  I look forward to any other  suggestions and a local therapist if you know one.

Oh, also a note - I realized too that I could call the local Kingdom Hall and talk to an Elder, explaining they may want to sit my parents/extended family members down to come to some resolution.  Whatcha think will come of that....or do I already know?  lol


Answer
Dear Samantha,

I didn't mean to suggest you might sue your parents, but rather that they could not sue you for exercising certain rights. I agree it would be tragic if it came to that.

Spiritual belief is widely open to interpretation, which explains why your parents can call themselves "Christian" yet practice a way of life very different from yours. It also explains why it is not acceptable for any group of people to pretend to speak for God.

Although I have tried to give the benefit of the doubt as much as possible for your parents, and find it understandable that they might try to "save the lives" of their grandchildren by proselytizing to them; IT IS QUITE ANOTHER MATTER when they plant seeds of doubt in the mind of an 8-year-old about her own parents.

That is reprehensible, and you should not tolerate your parents crossing that line. Your children's affections for you are sacred, and not to be tampered with, even though your parents may not be able to resist describing their beliefs to your children. If your parents have done this with a manipulative intent, which I suspect they have, you must react strongly at this major violation of trust.

I don't think calling your local Kingdom Hall and asking for help from the elders will help at all. They would certainly side with your parents against you. Witnesses do not consider you on their level, and any time they speak to you they do so condescendingly, with the mindset that you are a non-Witness only because you "know no better".

The only name I trust that might be helpful to you in selecting a local consultant would be Kaynor Weishaupt. She is not in your area, but she is known to maintain a list of contacts, and she may be able to point you to someone in your area. Hopefully, you can reach Kaynor at kweishaupt@edmc.edu

There are two names I found that may be in your area, but these are not people I know to be trustworthy, so proceed with caution. In the area of cult mind control and recovery from cult mind control, there are often hidden agendas to navigate. Especially beware of an organization called Cult Awareness Network, which pretends to be an anti-cult support organization but is actually owned and operated by a cult!

There are also organizations who criticize anti-cult activists such as myself only because we undermine the absolute power of cult hierarchies, so they have strong motivations to sew disinformation in order to protect their power base.

Among those who have recovered from a cult experience, some have fully recovered and discovered freedom of mind and family integrity, and others have only recovered part way and found a new flavor of the month and are now working to proselytize for their new cult.

So I recommend you reach out with caution to the following persons who may be able to help you find a local consultant. I have no reason to doubt them, but then I don't know them either:

Shawn Svacha
ssvacha@cpran.org
281 655-7235

Victor Escalante
915-590-2163

Other resources that may be helpful include:

Choosing a Therapist, Guide for XJW's
http://www.freeminds.org/psych/choosing.htm

Specific Therapists with XJW Experience
http://www.freeminds.org/psych/therapists.htm

I hope some of this is helpful. I'm sorry I can't be more specific to recommend someone in your area. Take your time and proceed with caution, and you will find the resources you need to innoculate your children.

If the rest does not help, you can always fall back on educating yourself first, then teaching your children. I find the outlines provided by authors Lifton or Singer are a good place to start with lesson planning.

Best wishes,
AndrewXJW