Expert: Andrew - 9/4/2007

Question
Hi,

Apologies if this Blog is somewhat long winded, but I wanted to at least provide some context before I ask my question. I have been married for the last 10 years and am now going through the painful process of divorce. About 2 years ago my wife decided to take herself and our young daughter to a kingdom hall. Although aware that my wife's family has a long history of being associated with the Watchtower and Tract organization, my wife assured me before we married that although she believed in GOD she had no intention of joining the ministry. The reason she gave for taking our daughter to the ministry was for our daughter to meet nice children. As I had met some of the children before, I was happy for our child to attend. It wasn't until 2 months of my daughter going to the hall that she started talking to me about how she needs to prepare herself for end of days. Considering the child was only 9 you can imagine I was somewhat concerned! However, having spoken to my wife about it, she assured me that although they do discuss end of days at the ministry, I should not concern myself to much, as she has met some really nice children and is happy to attend. I therefore thought nothing of it. However, little did I know what was round the corner! Although I enjoyed Christmas in England, my wife never liked it, so we always went away. At the time one could only assume that she preferred a warm client to a cold one! Hindsight is a wonderful thing! Just before all the problems started, we had just come back from our Christmas break and were invited to attend a party at my wife’s cousins house. It was at this party that I started to worry about my wife and daughters association with the Jehovah’s Witnesses association.  Throughout the evening I was constantly being told the world is a bad place and that it will end soon and that the world has never been so bad? Again in hindsight I should have kept my mouth shut, but I felt compelled to inform these people that the world has always been at war. I told them to just look at history and the great empires of the past, Roman, British and now American and all the other atrocities that mankind have undertaken over the centuries! The differences between wars now and then are technological advances with weaponry and the media. Wrong thing to do, I was then attacked by all sides because I had an opinion. I was then informed I was misguided and that I thought the world is a wonderful place and that I will not see paradise on earth. Although somewhat distressed, worse was to come. I moved away from the baying crowd and thought I would seek solace with my wife’s aunt, who up until now I had always liked and respected. However, to say I was taken back by the conversation we had was an understatement. To cut a long story short, I was informed by my wife’s aunt, that any female who is rapped is responsible and not the man. Apparently man is weak and if a women wears revealing clothing or talks trashy she would deserve it. Apparently, under JW tutelage, man just can't control his urges! When we left the party I told my wife what was said and she called me a liar? At this point, I told my wife that my daughter is not going back to the hall and that she should do some research on the organization before she makes any commitments herself. My wife replied, "She knows the truth and wasn't interested in researching JW practices from apostates!” Anyway, the next day I asked her to reconsider for the sake of her family and due to her obstinanace, we argued. It wasn't until I saw my wife playing with her mobile phone that I realised the conversation was being listened to. I took the phone and asked who it was; it was my wife’s cousin an elder at the ministry where she attended. I was then informed by this man, that if I didn't allow my daughter to attend the ministry, she would go to the school of hard knocks, become a prostitute and drug user or dealer! Obviously as a father, I was appalled and angry… Over the next week this becomes a regular theme, my wife and I would argue and the elder would be listening. I wrongly assumed that after being together for 10 years and having a young child that a threat of me leaving her would do the trick, how wrong was I. I took a temporary lease on a flat and informed my wife that I would be leaving the end of the week. I explained to my daughter that I was going to go away for a while because the arguing wasn't a good thing for her to have to listen to! Two days before I was going to move out, I met my wife at breakfast and she was very tearful, I said this could all stop you know, all I want you to do is look at what the detractors say about the Watchtower and Tract Organization. Again, although still tearful, she said she new it was the truth and doesn't need to listen to these apostates. After I finished work, I was still somewhat distressed so decided to go for a drink with some of my colleagues to try and cheer myself up. Although quite merry, when I got home I went into our bedroom and awoke my wife to tell her that I loved her and that I didn't really want to go, but I'm scared of the influence these people are having over her. I lent over to try and kiss and cuddle her, only for her to start screaming. In her haste to get away from me, she hit her leg against a bedside cabinet and said I had attacked her and she was going to call the police! I thought she was just angry at hurting her leg, but no, the police came and I was arrested. When I was finally let out of the cell the next morning, I was charged with assault and that an injunction had been imposed on me until the court hearing. Now me, as stupid as I am, thought that she will calm down in time and retract her statement. Eh, no she didn't. What she decided to do was take this opportunity to force my child to go to the Kingdom Hall against her wishes and to not allow her to see her father. To try and get to speak to the child, I brought her a mobile phone and got a family member to deliver it for me, with a note from me telling my daughter that I loved her and can’t wait to see her. It wasn't until a month and 6 destroyed mobile phones that I finally was able to see my daughter. This type of behavior continued up to and beyond the court case, where I was convicted at a magistrate’s court for assault, albeit with no evidence and had to do 60 hours community service. In a matter of months, the person I thought I knew had turned into something quite frightening and the more I read about the JW Organization the more worried I become. Through pain staking hours of reading, research and talking to current and ex JW members, I was finally able to stop my daughters association with this people by explaining to her what the Watchtower and Tract Organization represented. Although proud of my daughter, it was not nice to know that she had to use all her physical strength or lock herself in the bedroom or bathroom to stop her mother from physically forcing her to do something against her wishes, but I was so against her young association with these people, there was nothing else for it! Please don’t get me wrong, everyone has a right to do as and what they please, but for a young mind, I just wanted her to be in a position to make an informed decision. Through my daughter obstanance I was now able to see my child at the weekends. Although now only 10, my daughter is very articulate, with a passion for art/history and languages, so I would take her to Bath, London, Paris, Barcelona etc.. Ok, Barcelona was for me, I wanted to watch Ronaldinho and Messi play football. Nonetheless, she enjoyed it and I was happy that my daughter was happy... However, this didn't last long, as my wife had started divorce proceedings against me. With the exception of adultery, all references in the wonderful what god hates document published on the official watchtower site was cited against me! Yes, apparently I was an alcoholic, a drug user etc. Now I'm not going to lie, yes in my youth I did experiment with recreational drugs, but that was over 15 years ago and had been only drunk twice in the last 10 years... So anyways solicitors were now involved. Over the next few months I still saw my daughter regularly, but I was starting to get depressed by all the accusations that had and were still being thrown at me. My wife wouldn't talk to me, just at me if she wanted money etc and I had no say in how my only child was being brought up! Over time, the stress and worry took its toll. Although still working, I went from a high performer to below average performer, as I just couldn't switch off. As my daughter was concerned that she wouldn't have a Christmas, I decided to take her to Lapland and Antigua, on our return, I was actually allowed in the house. I bought my daughter a computer and she wanted help installing some games. I actually had quite a good day with them, I saw all my pets that I hadn't been able to see for a year and ignoring some of my wife’s cutting remarks, thought some what misguiding that maybe she was changing her view about the JW Organization. How wrong could I have been, what she wanted to do was save me! Because I guess, after all she put me through that I was still in love with her, I agreed but on the condition that she looks at what the detractors had to say also. She agreed. As mentioned before, I did a lot of reading on the subject and gave her some of the information that I researched and the very good, Crisis of Conscience book by Ray Franz to read and we agreed that I would have a bible study!  However, the next day, she informed me that she did not want to read any apostate literature and wanted me to stay away! Obviously we had words, but there I was again left flabbergasted to find her screaming down the phone to the police, to help her please! I was told to leave and was given yet another injunction! Now I was seriously losing the plot! A few months went past and I just continued to pay her mortgage, the bills, maintenance, well let’s just say it was everything. My wife had now started going to the hall 3 times a week and would go out witnessing for the rest... My daughter wasn't happy that she was being neglected by her mother, so I started having her more and more, which was great for me, but a young girl still needs her mother! They started arguing a lot and I would get calls from my daughter telling me how much she hated her mother and so on and so forth. It got so bad between them that her mother decided that a good form of discipline was to use a closed fist on her and be spiteful. Six months later and my daughter still have a scar where her mother dug her nails into her arm. One day, my daughter was trying to call me, but I was unavailable, so she left me a sms message, saying that she wanted me to get her, because she hates her mother! As an injunction was in place, I couldn't go round there, so I tried to call. Every time I called, the phone would be put down. Nothing that unusual, as I had experienced this from my wife for quite a while now. I waited to the morning and in the end called the police to see if everything was ok. Before they were able to attend, I received a sms from my wife, who informed me the child was rude and had to be disciplined. By that time I had already called the school to see whether my daughter was in attendance and they said she was. I explained the situation and that I needed to talk to her, so when the break came, I got a the call from my child, who was crying and I found out that her mother had been physically abusing her with her fists and this wasn’t and isolated incident. The worst of it was that the child was blaming herself for her mother’s brutality. I informed my wife that if she did anything like this again I would call in social services and it has to stop now. I received more abuse. So I sent a letter to my wife’s parents who, like her mother said that the child deserved it! Now I was really angry and powerless. I really didn't want to go to social services; I just wanted her to stop. After a month or so of threats to call in social services by me and more abuse by my wife and her family, I then found out that my wife had been seeing a 23 yr old JW who had a history of drug abuse and you know the way I found out about this was because the ministry decided to have a discussion about it! Now my wife is in her late 30's so you could imagine I was somewhat surprised! A lot of the problems associated with my daughter and her mother were as you can imagine to do with this. Now 11 she had to chaperone them to stop their urges! Just what an 11yr old needs to be party to at such a young age! Due to stress and depression, I have now had to give up my highly lucrative career and am leaving the area I have lived in all my life to try and eradicate the bad thoughts I have. My wife took all the equity out of the house, all the possessions and is now riding around in a brand new convertible car. Don't you just love JW's or are they just really narcissists? So we have gone from an elder telling me that if my child doesn't go to the Kingdom Hall, she will end up a drug pusher/user or a prostitute to her mother who does attend and is having a relationship with a 23yr old druggie! Not sure what the attraction is, maybe he genuinely has feelings for her, or is it that she has a good few pounds in the bank and a sparkling new car. Anyway, sorry to go on, and I could have gone on further. But my question to you is what can be done to the Elder who started off and continues to attribute to all this madness? Did he not over step the mark? Is there someone I can complain to in the JW order, maybe get him to lose his position?

Again, sorry for the long letter, but would appreciate any assistance...


Answer
Dear Darren,

I'm so sorry you have lost your wife to a manipulative religion and your daughter to a biased government.

Where a child is involved, and a father's primal instinct to protect his own is involved, and a government which supports only the lies of the woman, no matter how deranged, I understand how much in conflict and turmoil you have been.

I suggest no matter how deep the conflict within you, although you must do whatever you CAN DO for your daughter, you must also find peace about what you CANNOT DO, and clarity between the two.

I suggest clarity is first, so that you can then begin to heal your own wounds around what you cannot change and support your daughter in ways you can. In reality, there are some ways in which an oppressive collective mindset, as represented in family court systems, is stronger than one man. Physical strength, which influences a man's psyche, does not prepare him for the powerlessness which prevails when the collective overrides individual liberties.

You deserve healing from this awful pernicious wound you have received. Do not set yourself aside as an afterthought. You cannot be your best for your daughter unless you heal yourself from this devastating wound.

Beware of the effects of not doing so. This is a greater dragon than you have ever faced in your life, a far greater evil than you ever deserved. No one deserves this. It would be very easy for you to descend from powerlessness to despair and crushed spirit, but THIS WOULD NOT HELP YOUR DAUGHTER. SO PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE continue to seek support from understanding sources and pursue your own healing.

You have a spark of the divine within you. If you have not yet discovered it, it may be time for you to explore it, so that you can begin to draw on your higher power, in whatever form it may take for you. Do not try to face this dragon alone.

> what can be done to the Elder who started off and
> continues to attribute to all this madness? Did he not
> over step the mark? Is there someone I can complain to in
> the JW order, maybe get him to lose his position?

No, I'm sorry, there is no step you can take which can realistically be expected to have an impact against that elder. Yes of course he overstepped; but since he is a member of an entire organization which oversteps, and considers such oversteps proper, there is no one in the organization for you to complain to.

They do not consider you an equal, a neighbor, or even a human being. They consider you and me minions of the devil, deserving of every ill that might come our way.

One of my primary means of responding to such tremendous evil as you and I have encountered is to transmute the pain of the wounds I have received into healing for others. As I support others to find healing, my wound is gradually healed.

There is virtually nothing I can do to help you in practical terms, so I feel powerless with you. The trivial exception is to suggest you focus on your own healing with regard to things you cannot change. I'm so sorry I cannot do more.

There is one more thing I can offer: Hope. Statistically speaking, when a child has a choice between a controlling environment and a free environment, they choose the free environment in the vast majority of cases. Even if you see your daughter only occasionally, you can perhaps offer her the inspiration of freedom, and her soul will notice.

Love & blessings,
AndrewXJW