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Critics of Jehovah`s Witnesses/The cruel and unrelenting practices of the witnesses
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Question
QUESTION: Andrew,
I am in a horrible situation. I've dated a man who one year ago became my finace. We've been together for a total of 5 yrs. He was involved with the Jehovahs Witnesses (unknown to me until recently), and was disfellowshipped a number of years ago. (this practice along seems very unloving, and cruel, yet they preach how loving they are) Recently he has told me he is getting "reinstated", and the elders of the congregation tell him that unless I convert to a Witness he can't marry me. I say this is Bull****. It seems his head is in the sand or something. He want's me to study with the witnesses, but from what I know, and what people have told me it is not a good thing to get sucked into. I was born and raised a Lutheran, and know that even though I am not a witness, God loves me, and I love him. I find it so sad that there are so many people who are so weak, that they rely on someone else to think for them, and be ok with living a life like that. I guess God gave me a mind for a reason, and that was not so others could make all my decisions for me.
Advise? katie
ANSWER: Dear Katie,
Thank you for not marking your question "private" as this helps other people in similar situations to see behind the veil that the Witnesses try so hard to erect for PR purposes.
It is wise of you to be concerned. It was not right for your fiance to keep hidden for so long something so profound in his experience as this.
Ostriches are not aware enough to recognize that hiding their heads in the sand is foolish and ineffective. It is the greater degree of awareness that enables onlookers to see the problem. Trying to explain the foolishness and ineffectiveness to an ostrich would not work because they are not aware enough to hear the message. Likewise, people can only hear what they are ready to hear.
You are right that the Witness shunning practice is very cruel. It destabilizes members, making them easier for the leadership to control. It devastates countless lives and tears apart millions of families; yet is "justified" when they elevate their idealogy above souls. This is one of the commonalities of all cults, putting the value of their idealogy above the value of people.
Another is redefining words. As you have noted, they call themselves a "loving" people, yet behave in very unloving ways. Such mental gymnastics are possible among those who feel licensed to redefine any and every concept, including the meaning of something so basic as love.
It is very bad that your fiance wishes to get "reinstated" rather than begin recovery from the distorted Witness mindset. Reinstatement will require him to start all over kowtowing to the Witnesses' deceptiveness and control, distorting his own soul more and more as he tries to conform. No experience in the lifetime of a Witness is more excruciating nor requires more complete and absolute conformity than the "reinstatement" process.
If he pursues "reinstatement" and you still pursue this marriage, you will have a lifetime of grief ahead, not only for yourself, your husband, and your extended family, but especially for your children. There is a slim chance you can influence him to change his mind, but it will take extraordinary dedication and patience. So you have soul searching to do: is this relationship worth the extraordinary dedication and patience that it will take, with absolutely no guarantee that it would work?
Never give up your choice to think for yourself and make your own decisions. Anyone who tells you you should is selling something. Anyone who teaches it is possible to voluntarily give up our freedom in order to submit to God is ARROGANTLY PRETENDING to speak for God.
If you continue your relationship with this man, at the very least you must protect yourself from the seductive nature of cult mind control by studying and understanding it's tactics so you will recognize them when the tentacles reach out for you, as they have already begun to do. No one is immune, no matter how educated and aware and determined you are at the start.
Be strong. Stay connected to God and your relatives. Ask their support. If you have specific further questions about what can work with your husband, feel free to ask me again.
My best advice comes from a song by Paul Simon: There must be 50 ways to leave your lover. I'm sorry.
Blessings,
AndrewXJW
---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------
QUESTION: Andrew,
Thank you for your e-mail. Just having someone to bounce things off is very helpful for me. This is a difficult situation, and one I am sure will not be easily resolved. In my heart I already know which road he is going down, unfortunately I also know that I will not be able to walk side by side with him down that road. Even though I love him dearly, and would have done almost anything for him, sometimes "love" is not enough.
His first and foremost objective @ this time is becoming reinstated. It is sad, as we used to do so many things together, things that couples do all the time, drawing closer together, but now our relationship seems to mean nothing @ all. I believe that whatever denomination one is, that God should always come first, but this so-called religion has the congregation, the elders, etc, etc, coming first...he told me that the elders have forbidden us to go out alone as a couple, unchaperoned...excuse me, but I am a grown 40 yr old woman.
I have been doing research for hours. Reading, asking friends and family, searching the net, ect, and I have to say that I have yet to find anything positive about the witnesses. I pray to God that he gives me the strength I need to find the answers I need, and to give me peace.
We both have children from a previous marriage. His children have been expected to quit school sports, associating with "worldly children", and he is even talking about home schooling them in the near future. How sad for them, I fear they will grow up with limited social skills, and all sorts of psychological issues.
I feel overwhelmed @ times @ what I am going through. I hope that others in similar situations correspond with me.
Dear Katie,
You are on target in all your observations, as far as I can tell. Be glad that you yourself have the clarity of mind to make such common-sense observations. Not everyone has.
I'm sorry this is such a difficult situation. There are lots of forums on the Internet where former Witnesses support each other. They are at various stages of recovery. Although you do not have recovery issues (thank goodness), you are impacted by this awful religion, and have that in common with former Witnesses, so it's possible that chat rooms with former Witnesses may offer some support and perspective to you.
Also there are support groups for those who have suffered divorce and other relationship losses. Some of these may be of benefit to you.
I'm not sure if love is enough. You might be right. Or maybe real love is enough, and the problem is that your fiance is now recaptured by a society that squashes real love in favor of a phony substitute. Love has to be a two-way street. He may say he loves you, but asking you to jump through hoops--is that love?
Best wishes,
AndrewXJW
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Andrew
Expertise
I don't object to Witness theology, but rather their use of social pressure & deceptive manipulations to undermine family ties and control minds. (This may seem contradictory to Witnesses, who draw no distinction between spiritual belief and organizational policy.) I do not engage in theological debate. I support persons impacted by an experience with the Witnesses and advocate early education for everyone so that they can protect themselves from cults by understanding what to watch out for. (It's not what most people think.)
(Ex-)Witnesses: I know how upsetting it is to experience doubts (or anger) about your experience. Time does not heal this wound until you first remove the splinter, which takes more time and effort than you may realize. So, unless you have already put in that time and effort, don't be surprised if you are deeply affected long after the experience. But there is good news! You're NOT an enemy of God for doubting or for failing to meet the requirements of a human organization. An organization that lies cannot be the exclusive spokesman for the God of Truth. Tell me where you're at. I'll understand. I can show you how to begin or continue your recovery and make a life for yourself worth living.
Non-Witnesses: Describe your experience with your friend/relative who is (becoming) a Witness. I can help you understand the Witness indoctrination and social dynamics that are affecting him or her. I can help you put your options into perspective. Keep in mind that people do make their own choices (even though they may sometimes do so under outside influence) and you may not be able to affect this person's choices, even though they impact on you. After all, you do not have the arsenal of tactics that a cult does (and wouldn't want to). A few people manage to save their friend/relative, but don't count on it. What you can count on is navigating the maze more successfully by becoming more informed about your own options.
Experience
I was a Witness for 30 years, and a volunteer at their headquarters in Brooklyn, New York, for a year. I have attended meetings with many Witness congregations across the United States, a thorough cross-section, carefully observing patterns of behavior. Although being a Witness was difficult, and I gradually had more and more doubts about Witness teachings--I was a true believer, so I kept trying to make it work somehow. I stopped attending meetings in 1997 only after receiving an answer to a prayer about doing so, and have since been actively involved in recovery. This includes both my own and supporting others in theirs. Recovery can include reading books, communicating with others in recovery, and participating in support groups and/or therapy. It always involves reclaiming one's own mind and discovering the other sides of the issues that you have been blinded to in the past.
My gradual awakening was socially, psychologically, and spiritually tumultuous. I lost everything from my former life. My suffering was substantial.
But I have gained everything, so it was worth it. Only after beginning my recovery did I gain social, psychological, and spiritual healing and growth, peace of mind, and self-respect. Only then did I discover who I am; and--for the first time--the meaning of real brotherly love.
For more resources on this topic, try these web sites:
http://freeminds.org/
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/freedomofmind/
Education/Credentials
Like most Cult Recovery Counselors, I am a cult survivor. I have life experience, not professional training. Also I feel no need to apologize for that. People with professional training cannot understand what it is like to survive a cult unless they have been through it themselves, which few professional therapists have. Understanding what really happened and what works in this unusual social context is as important as psychological training. Most professional therapists are not specifically trained to support cult survivors. Those who are represent a rare and precious resource.
I sometimes refer people to professional therapists regarding deep personal issues. But surviving a cult is a broad experience with other dimensions. Professional therapy can be very helpful as part of your recovery process, assuming that you choose the right therapist. When choosing a therapist, remember that you are the client and they are a service provider. You are the one who holds authority about the relationship. You get to interview the therapist and decide which one to employ.
Be sure to ask what specific training and experience they have around recovery from cult mind control. Most therapists do not have relevant training. Some carry serious misunderstandings about what cult mind control is; and therefore will misunderstand your struggle. So it pays to be selective as a consumer of professional therapy services.
Past/Present Clients
The Witness organization is not like other churches. Most non-Witnesses really cannot imagine what it is like to be a Witness. The organization has unimaginably extensive rules and monitoring that affect every aspect of life, so there is no privacy and no sense of personal independence. "Independent thought" is considered their greatest "sin".
The organization insists on absolute conformity, and claims to directly represent God; so dissent is not tolerated, and authority is totalitarian. Being a Witness is more like living in China or the former Soviet Union than being a member of a religion as you know it. It was the research of Robert J. Lifton, who was studying--not religions--but totalitarian governments, who first began to illuminate the problem of religious cults around the world, which employ exactly the same tactics as totalitarian governments. His work remains a cornerstone for Cult Recovery Counselors still today. (This may be why many governments are tolerant of cults, to avoid exposing their own control tactics.)
Witnesses often experience unusually dysfunctional lives and an extensive array of personal problems stemming from broken family ties, stunted social development, inner unrest resulting from repressed doubts, inability to defend boundaries, and an extreme, persistent feeling of irrational shame. I can help people impacted by an experience with the Witnesses by revealing in detail the policies and social dynamics in the Witness organization that cause these problems.
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